Applied EQ #20: Top 8 Emotional Breakdowns for Project Managers

Self control helps us avoid emotional breakdowns.  What is an emotional breakdown?  An emotional breakdown is an involuntary response to an emotional situation.  We are "losing it" when we have an emotional breakdown.  Road rage is an extreme form of emotional breakdown.  Individuals who experience road rage become unpredictable and out of control. 

While road rage may be unheard of in a project environment, emotional breakdowns are not.  The stress and strain of everyday life can cause emotional breakdowns.  Add to that a challenging project environment and the likelihood of emotional breakdowns is very high.

In his book Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ, Daniel Goleman uses the term emotional hijacking for these breakdowns.  He contends that our emotions are hijacked by our primitive neurological systems.  These systems were designed for our survival.  Most of us are familiar with the fight or flight responses.  Emotional hijacking is an extreme form of this.

Whether we call it Emotional hijacking or emotional breakdown, the end result is the same; our emotions have been taken over by something else and we are not in control.  Emotional breakdowns are involuntary.  We are reacting to an event without control of our behavior.

I once hired a project leader based on his stated ability to not lose it.  I knew that I felt under pressure on this particular project and I needed someone who would not lose their cool.  In the interview, he said that he prided himself on "staying 1 degree cooler than everyone else in the room".  That was critical for us on this particular project and his statement got him the job.  We worked well together for 2 years and during that time, he was usually 1 degree cooler than everyone else.

Not everyone is able to run at 1 degree cooler than everyone else.  In fact, most people have some sort of breakdown that they experience.  Here are some examples of emotional breakdowns that you might see in a project environment:

1. Angry tirades – Haven't we all seen someone explodes with anger and blasts someone else?  Do you avoid someone for fear they will explode on you?
2. Door slamming – Not able to take any more, a person leaves the room and slams the door behind them.
3. Email letter bomb – Angry emails might be one of the most common way for people to vent anger on a project.  Our modern office tools can make this easier than ever.
4. Withdrawal and isolation – This is when people pull away, avoid meetings, and perhaps even dodge specific people on the project. 
5. Holding grudges and getting even – This type of breakdown results in a secret vow to get even.  This could be due to a certain unfavorable decision being made, criticism received, or some other perceived slight.  There may even be a secret “score” being kept of who is winning and who is losing.  This breakdown is especially harmful because it may be secret and it can go on for a long time.
6. Criticizing – This breakdown results in criticism intended to hurt another.  There is a saying that hurt people hurt people and criticism often is the result of a hurt we feel.  Criticism may be buried in helpful sounding remarks or it may be more openly critical.  Either way, the effect is the same.
7. Sarcasm and inappropriate humor – Sarcasm is a red flag for emotional breakdowns (as previously discussed in this blog).  Both sarcasm and inappropriate humor are learned responses to situations where we don’t want to address the truth directly. 
8. Playing the victim – When someone plays the victim, they act as if they are powerless and not responsible for their actions.  They will blame someone (or perhaps the entire world) for their situation and their actions.  This is disempowering to the individual and unacceptable to the team.

How many of these emotional breakdowns do you experience?  Look at the list and reflect on the last week, month and year.  Have you had more than one of these?  Do you experience all of these or have one or two preferred breakdowns?

My own breakdowns include email letter bombs, criticizing, sarcasm and inappropriate humor.  I have become aware enough to eliminate many of these responses from my repertoire and I have the grace and peace of mind to not go down on myself if I have a relapse.  I just say, “there I go again” and try to determine what caused the emotional breakdown.

If you are having trouble identifying the emotional breakdowns you have, try getting some input from others.  Take the time to ask your peers, team members, or your spouse how they see us.  They will be glad you are investing in yourself and you might be surprised to learn more about yourself from them. 

Let me know what you think about this list.  Are there other emotional breakdowns that you can name?