EQ4PM

Twenty Emotional Intelligence Tips from AllPM

This month I was one of the guest contributors over at ALLPM.com where the theme was emotional intelligence for project managers.  I contributed the following list of daily tips for project managers and after looking at them, I realized they are pretty good!  So here are the 20 tips of the day from ALLPM.com, grouped according to the emotional intelligence framework for project managers shown below.  Enjoy!

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Tip of the Day #1 - David Caruso and Peter Salovey said that "emotions are information". Are you able to fully experience your emotions at work and use them as information? Or do you try to "leave emotions at the door" when you arrive at work? Try logging every emotion you feel throughout the day today. Later tonight, spend some time reflecting on those emotions and see if you can understand the information that each emotion provides.

Tip of the Day #5 - Do you recognize when you are experiencing feelings during the day? A simple technique for increasing emotional self-awareness is to track emotions during the day using SASHET, an acronym for Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender. Keep a SASHET tally sheet today and see if there are patterns in the emotions you feel and those you don't feel.

Tip of the Day #6 - Sarcasm is usually an indication that someone is both angry and scared. When you hear sarcasm, you should ask yourself what that person is angry and scared about. This is doubly important if you are the one using sarcasm. I challenge you to make note of the times today that you hear sarcasm being used and looked behind the sarcasm to the emotions of the individual.

Tip of the Day #7 - Most of us cringe when we hear negative feedback or criticism. Feedback is a gift. Even critical feedback usually contains some kernel of truth that helps us grow if we are open to it. When we hear critical feedback, we need to get over our own defensiveness, listen carefully, and ask probing questions that lead us to that kernel of truth. Our greatest growth opportunities will come from those ‘gifts’ from others.

Tip of the Day #10 - Self-confidence is when we are grounded, secure, and self-assured. It’s easy to be rattled or thrown off our game by a recent setback or failure. One technique for overcoming a lack of self-confidence is to reflect on our past successes. Create a timeline on a piece of paper and mark on it the successes, small and large, that you have experienced over your career. By reviewing our past successes, we can put our current setbacks into perspective and see them as temporary.

2. SELF-MANAGMENT

Tip of the Day #3 - There are times when we remain unruffled by others and times when we react strongly. Pay attention to those times when you let other people push your buttons. What are the specific conditions where you are likely to let your guard down? Is it when you are tired, stressed, sick, feeling unappreciated or criticized, or not taking care of yourself? Try to avoid putting yourself in those situations where you aren’t able to choose a graceful response.

Tip of the Day #9 - Many of us work in environments that are stressful. We can remain graceful and unruffled when we learn to reduce our own stress level. I have found that laughing out loud, going for a walk, spending time with people I like, breathing techniques, and prayer or meditation help me to unwind. Select one of these techniques and practice it today, even if you don’t really need it.

Tip of the Day #11 - Perfectionists find that people never quite measure up to their expectations. They can be just as hard on themselves as well. Instead of going for perfection, strive for excellence which can be defined as doing your very best in every situation. Celebrate excellence and don’t get sucked into thinking that everything needs to be perfect.

Tip of the Day #15 - Some of us set ourselves up for stressful situations or negative outcomes by arriving late or unprepared for early morning meetings with team members or other project stakeholders. This can cause us to lose momentum or feel lousy for the rest of the day. Next time you have an important meeting, try getting to bed early, getting up early, and getting in to work before everyone else. Allow yourself some quiet time to review your notes and objectives for the meeting as well as to think about the emotions of each person that will be attending. Your calmness and quiet confidence will show clearly and even be contagious.

3. Social Awareness

Tip of the Day #8 - If you want to boost your standings with your project team, learn to listen with empathy. This includes giving others your full attention when they are speaking and letting them speak instead of interrupting or finishing their sentences. When they have expressed themselves, respond with empathy and emotions (e.g. that sounds tough, you sound sad). Finally, ask them what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you have to solve their problems or tell them what to do.

4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Tip of the Day #2 - Project management is about getting work done through others. Rarely is anything of significance done by one person working alone. It is the relationships we build with our team members and other stakeholders that determine how effective we will be as project managers. Take an honest assessment of the most important stakeholder relationships for your current project. Make it a point today to meet with those individuals with the objective of improving your relationship with them.

Tip of the Day #4 - Mom always said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Unfortunately that approach can lead to a dangerous buildup of hurts over minor and major issues. A better approach is to keep short accounts with people by saying, “I don’t like it when you do/say X”. This frees us up from holding on to resentments and avoids a major explosion down the road.

Tip of the Day #12 - Picnicking is a term for people who eat their lunches alone at their desk, ostensibly because of their workload. This is isolating and keeps us out of relationship. Instead of eating alone, make it a point to go to lunch with a co-worker, team member, or a project stakeholder. The relationship you will build will produce benefits far greater than what you would gain by working through lunch at your desk.

Tip of the Day #13 - While we all strive to do our best to build relationships, we will invariably find that we don’t always get along with others. If you find yourself consistently having relationship problems, look for patterns of those problems. Since we are the common denominator in our relationships, we may be the cause of the pattern of breakdowns. Some of us unknowingly carry emotional baggage with us. By becoming aware of the pattern, we empower ourselves to do something about it.

Tip of the Day #14 - People tend to thrive on positive recognition and acknowledgment and wither on criticism. Since it was always easier for me to point out what was wrong than to recognize what was right, I had to push myself and build routines into my day and week to be more encouraging. One technique I found helpful was to keep a log of when I recognized various team member’s positive contributions. Try keeping a tally sheet of your team and mark down whenever you are able to recognize one of your team members. Strive for at least one positive or encouraging comment per person each day.

Tip of the Day #18 - Relationship-building is a task you will rarely find on a project plan or in a WBS. However, as a project manager, building relationships with project stakeholders is a major success factor. Don’t leave stakeholder relationships to chance; give this activity the same importance as other project management tasks. Add relationship building tasks to your ‘to do’ and ‘action item’ lists, block out time on your calendar for relationships, and track your progress in this important area.

5. TEAM LEADERSHIP

Tip of the Day #16 - The project manager has the opportunity to establish ground rules, values, or expectations for the behavior of the team. If you don’t set those up at the start of the project, you may be surprised to find that people behave badly and team members don’t respect you as the leader. Try working with your team to create a contract for behavior early in the project lifecycle. This will make everyone a part of the process and accountable for enforcing whatever rules are agreed.

Tip of the Day #17 - My mentor Robb used to say that you live or die by your project team. Getting the best resources is critical to your success; this shouldn’t be left up to chance or to the resource managers in your company. You will attract and retain great project resources when you develop your interpersonal skills (like emotional intelligence), lead with integrity, and create a positive project environment.

Tip of the Day #19 - Holding others accountable is a key part of the project manager’s job; if you are not doing it you are not leading. I sometimes find it challenging to hold senior managers, clients, or project sponsors accountable because I fear confrontation with them. It has helped me to pinpoint the source of my fear, challenge whether it is valid or not, and then move forward through the fear. It also helps to have a tool like a Responsibility Matrix to clearly communicate who is accountable for project activities.

Tip of the Day #20 - As the leader of the team, the project manager sets the emotional tone for the group. Do you emote positive feelings and create what Daniel Goleman calls “resonance”? Or do you tend to give off negative vibes and create “dissonance”? Take time today to ask one or two of your current team members if they experience you as positive and encouraging. Listen as quietly as you can, without defending, and try to note at least one or two things you can do differently to boost your resonance level.

Right Message, Wrong Audience - CIOs are People Who Need People

I read an article on CIO.com that got me riled up.  The article, Relationships:  CIOs are People Who Need People, talks about how important it is for CIOs to build relationships with stakeholders.  This was based on a meeting of the CIO Executive Council members who discussed best practices for relationship building.

It wasn't the message that got me excited; clearly CIOs need to build relationships.  In fact, the article basically described many of the relationship management approaches and techniques that we have talked about here on this blog.  This includes things like:

• Identifying your important stakeholder relationships
• Meeting individually with each of your important stakeholders
• Building your relationship skills like communicating, collaborating, listening without being defensive, and being flexible
• Ongoing relationship-building as an integral part of your job

The article even talks about a "Relationship Template" that sounds very similar to the stakeholder management tool we use in our EQ workshops for project managers and IT professionals.

What got me excited was the idea that they wrote this for CIOs.  Of course CIOs need relationship building and other emotional intelligence competencies.  You can't get the top technical job in a real company without those skills.  Does anyone think that individuals can progress in their career all the way to CIO without having these skills?  What, they get the job then all of a sudden they need to start building relationships?  I don't think it is is possible.  I mean, the only way I can imagine that someone can become a CIO without these skills would be if their dad owned the company.

One of the CIOs quoted in the article was a perfect example of why you can't wait to become a CIO to develop relationship skills.  Tom Langston of SSM Health Care Systems acknowledged that it was his relationships with the COO and the SVP of HR that got him the job as CIO.  I think the fact that he had no prior IT experience shows the relative importance of relationship skills to technical experience.   

And that is my beef.  The CIO Executive council is focused on the wrong audience.  They shouldn't focus on CIOs; it's too late for them.  If you got to be a CIO without emotional intelligence then you should probably thank your lucky stars and quietly get busy boning up on those important skills. 

CIOs should be focused more strategically on helping the up and coming IT professionals in the IT department.  They should be stressing the importance of relationship building skills and emotional intelligence.  It is those aspiring IT professionals who need to learn that being effective is more than just laying down quality Java code.  If they want to be CIO some day, these IT professionals need to learn to build effective relationships, empathize with their customers and stakeholders, and exercise control over their own emotions.  They need relationships and emotional intelligence more than technical skills, as Tom Langston's experience clearly demonstrates.

It's the right message but I think they are speaking to the wrong audience. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts - Anthony Mersino

Emotional Boundaries Paper posted on www.ALLPM.com

The theme of the month over at the ALLPM.com newsletter is "Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers".  I was delighted to be invited to submit an article on the topic and to get to know Judy Umlas, co-Editor of ALLPM.com, publisher at IIL, and executive director of learning innovations at IIL.  If you are reading this blog, this topic is probably of interest to you and I want to encourage you to check out ALLPM.com.

Though I didn't meet him, Dr. Al Zeitoun submitted his paper for the current ALLPM.com newsletter titled, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.  Dr. Zeitoun is a senior executive of IIL and frequent speaker at PMI events worldwide.

The article I submitted was about emotional boundaries for project managers.  The paper discusses what emotional boundaries are and then shows how they can cause conflict in the project environment.  It provides some indicators or warning signs of when there are boundary issues and concludes with six tips that project managers can use to improve their emotional boundaries.

I have also been supplying ALLPM.com with a steady stream of project management "Tips of the Day" related to emotional intelligence.  You can check out the current emotional intelligence tip of the day here or see all of the tips that were provided this month by going to the emotional intelligence tip archives.

Finally, I wanted to share the current results of the mini-poll that ALLPM is running on their site.  The question was, "How Important is emotional intelligence to your success as a PM"?  Here is a snapshot of the results after 13 days and 77 votes.  Not surprising, the majority of project managers felt it was either critically important or very important (68 of 77 votes).   If you have not already voted, please visit ALLPM.com and place your vote.

 

As always, I welcome your comments and questions.

Take Your Own Emotional Intelligence Assessment

A common question I have been getting at my presentations on emotional intelligence is "how do I assess my own emotional intelligence?"  Are you curious about your own emotional intelligence and how you measure up?  Have you taken an online or paper-based assessment test?

For my emotional intelligence workshops for project managers, I have been using the TalentSmart EIAppraisal instrument because it is fast and easily available on line.  At $35, it is one of the lowest cost and most affordable assessments.  Unfortunately, it doesn't match the curriculum I am teaching for project managers. 

So I decided to create my own.  For anyone who doesn't want to spend $35 for a quick emotional intelligence assessment, I am offering this new EQ assessment tool at a great price.  It is fast, available on line, and very affordable (OK, it's free).  I won't even ask you to register to download it.  I would ask that you provide some feedback, if possible, about whether you found it helpful or not.

The unique thing about this particular instrument is that it is geared to project managers.  In fact, it is the only emotional intelligence assessment tool that is developed specifically for project managers based on the competencies that are critical to project manager's success. 

The assessment is based on the emotional intelligence framework (see right) that I adapted from Daniel Goleman's books (Working with Emotional Intelligence and Primal Leadership) to include in my own book, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.

This is a Beta version so I am expecting it to evolve over the next few months into something much more robust.  Please give the tool a test drive and if you feel so inclined, I would love to get your feedback.    If enough people find it helpful and provide constructive feedback, I will update it and make it available as an online tool that is self scoring with the capabilities to provide you with a comparison of your score to other project managers.  If there is other information you'd like to know, email me or comment here.

You can take the updated version of this assessment by following this link (updated as of 12/27/2007):  Take the NEW AND IMPROVED SURVEY

Cheers!

Working with Difficult People #02

As the second installment of working with difficult people, I'd like to examine some of the profiles of difficult people from Stanley Bing's very entertaining book Crazy Bosses.  True to it's name, the book talks about the various psychopaths who make it into the ranks of management as crazy or difficult bosses.  Bing focuses on 5 categories of lunatic managers:

1. The Bully
2. The Paranoid
3. The Narcissist
4. The Wimp
5. The Disaster Hunter

Let's look at a quick profile of each of these from Bing's books and share some tips for dealing with them.

The Bully

The profile of the bully is someone who is moody and often rageful, inconsistent, manipulative, aggressive, insensitive, and difficult to deal with.  A real life example is Joseph Stalin who thought little of killing millions of his own people to promote his own agenda.

Dealing with Bullies 

Bullies keep their subordinates off balance.  So it is helpful to expect the unexpected when dealing with bullies so that you are not surprised.  I once had a bully program manager who would strive to come in earlier than I did and find out about any problems that occurred overnight so he could berate me for them.  Once I learned to expect his surprise morning attacks he stopped doing them because they were no longer effective in upsetting me.

Keep your distance.  Bullies are the types that hurt the ones they love the most and those closest to them.  So don't get close to them.  Having a bully boss may be a good time to start working from home.  Be careful though because bullies place a premium on loyalty and severely punish anyone they perceive as disloyal.  So try to strike a balance between being loyal without getting too close.  Stay out of the kill zone.

You never know when ou are going to need a friend so maintain good relationships with everyone else.  Try to stay on good working terms with your peers and other managers in the organization. 

That bully program manager I had was brutal.  He thrived on teasing and belittling others.  He loved to go on the attack during meetings and usually singled out those who appeared weak.  I survived by being compliant, by keeping my distance, and by using humor to deflect his attacks.  It wasn’t easy though and his constant barrage of attacks took a toll on me.  I was relieved to finally be able to leave his organization when the chance came. 

The Paranoid

The profile of the paranoid is someone who is afraid, very afraid.  They don't trust others and suspect that everyone has their own personal agenda because the paranoid has an agenda.  They read malice into everything they see and imagine everyone to be focused on bringing them down. They keep track of every real and imagined hurt and are on the lookout for ways to pay back others.  A real life example is President Richard Nixon. 

Dealing with the Paranoid:

Like the Bully, the Paranoid may experience rapid swings of emotions.  Frequently fearful, they can also go on the attack with anger and rage at the slightest bit of perceived disloyalty.  Under no circumstances do you want to confront or attack the paranoid; they'll never forget it and will likely seek revenge long after you have forgotten.  Finally, it is important that you exercise your own emotional self-control and confidence.  Don't get sucked into fights you cannot win. 

One characteristic of the paranoid is that they try to suck the confidence from you. To remain confident, remind yourself of the things you have done well over the years to land in the position you are in. 

The Narcissist

The profile of the narcissist is someone who is obsessed with themself.  They think of their top three priorities as me, myself, and I.  While not as dangerous as the Bully or Paranoid, they can be incapable of thinking outside the box (that is, outside of themselves).  They may think nothing of asking you to do difficult, uncomfortable, or unacceptable things.   

Dealing with the Narcissist

When dealing with the narcissist, forget thinking about anything other than them.  They are the most important star in the universe.  In fact, it has been said that the only difference between a narcissist and God is that God doesn't think he is a narcissist. 

Bing advises readers to keep the narcissist comfortable, suck up as much as you can stomach, make them effective in spite of themselves and let them take all the credit for success.  It also helps to laugh at all their jokes and fawn over everything they do.  Playing hard to get is usually ineffective with a narcissist especially since there are likely plenty of others ready to suck up if you don’t.  There may even be a long line of suckups ready to win over the narcissist.

You can see all of these techniques and other winning strategies for dealing with Narcissists simply by watching the candidates on The Apprentice suck up to Donald Trump.  Or if your stomach can take it, go for the sleaze factor and watch desparate women do anything to win over Brett Michaels or Flavor Flav on their disgusting reality TV shows.  This is one situation where I feel you can learn a lot from TV.

The Wimp

The wimp is scared.  They feel overwhelmed with the demands of their job and their own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.  They try to read the tea leaves to lean in the right direction.  They’ll also jump to take credit for an idea once it looks like a good one, whether or not they originated it, and they distance themselves from the bad ones.  They may be found hiding out in their office where no one will ask them what they are doing.

From an emotional intelligence standpoint, I don’t see any crime in being scared.  Warriors are scared!  We all feel fear; it’s what keeps us from doing things that get us killed.
It isn’t the fear that makes individuals wimps; it is a lack of courage.  The wimp lacks the courage to move through the fear to do the right thing, in spite of the consequences.

As a group, Bing doesn't believe that wimps are very threatening.  I have to disagree though with his characterization of President George H. W. Bush as a wimp; I thought Bush did a great job during the first Iraq war.  Now if he had said President Jimmy Carter, I would have quietly agreed with him even though I like Carter's post-presidency record.

My vote for wimp would be British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain.  Which is actually a pretty wimpy vote considering he's long dead and his living relatives probably don't live anywhere close enough to be a threat to me.

Dealing with wimps is pretty straightforward.  You need to take the heat for any bad decisions or faulty plans.  You also need to show them your loyalty and love.  You won't be alone; others will want to do the same.  You will also need to look out for your career because the wimp certainly won't stick their neck out for you or promote your advancement.  Finally, though the wimp will be loathe to even recognize them let alone execute them, you need to bring forward the plans that are really needed.

I had an opportunity to have a wimp for an executive sponsor once.  Initially I thought it was OK that he never wanted to get involved in the project or meet with me.  Eventually I realized that it was hurting the project so I pushed for the meetings and his needed actions.  I had to continue to push him to take actions and it was a lot of work.  But because he was a wimp, he wouldn’t have done anything without that pushing.

The Disaster Hunter

The final type of crazy boss profiled in Bing's book is the disaster hunter.  The disaster hunter is a major accident waiting to happen.  They seek more of everything and their thirst will drive them toward brilliant failure.  They cannot contain their need for more power, sex, booze, and publicity.  Though they are successful, they thirst for more and are unable to exercise any form of self-control.  Telltale signs of the inevitable destruction are hysteria, depression, screwing up, rehab, sexual acting out, and workaholism. 

As a group, the disaster hunters can be exciting to be around if you can avoid the inevitable blowup that occurs when they flame out.  Don’t be surprised if they ignore your warnings or advice as they pursue destructive paths.

Many US politicians would be considered disaster hunters.  Bill Clinton is a likeable example of a disaster hunter; most of our congressman are less likeable yet equally disastrous (consider Tom Delay, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, and Larry Craig).  Bing also suggests GW Bush as an example and I have to agree, based on how Bush has pursued the war in Iraq.

Dealing with the disaster hunter is generally easier since they are often less personally threatening to you than a bully or a narcissist.  The major danger is that the disaster hunter flames out and takes you with them.  Bing advises readers to make plans for an escape route of some sort in the event the disaster hunter flames out.  If possible, maintain some distance between them and their agenda and your own. 

You might also help them to flame out if the opportunity presents itself to accelerate their departure.  Certainly do not provide them any sort of safe harbor or help them when they are on the decline.  Don’t look back.   Whatever happens, you’ll want to be calm in the face of the hysteria of the disaster hunter.

I had a peer manager some years ago that was a disaster hunter.  While not dangerous to me, his behavior certainly caused him problems.  He was on the fast track and though quite affable, he couldn’t contain his thirst for alcohol and women.  At an after work party one evening, he decided to hop on a motorcycle with another woman from work on the back.  He was severely impaired from drinking and he crashed the motorcycle which gave him a concussion and broke his pelvis and the back of his passenger.  That accident set him back but it didn’t stop his drinking.  Several years after that accident, he had a couple of DUIs and lost his license completely.  His career was no longer on the fast track and he quietly faded out.

Have you had a crazy lunatic boss?  I'd love to hear about your experiences, good and bad.