EQ4PM

Working with Difficult People #03

How do you deal with people when they are having a meltdown? 

Last week, one of the members of my team named Jimmy lost it.  We were in the implementation phase of a system upgrade and he was working over the weekend.  I was talking to him on the phone and he went off and started screaming.  Jimmy's tirade was not so much directed at me as it was at others.  But it was me he was screaming at in that moment and it didn't feel good.

Angry tirades are one of the worst kinds of emotional breakdowns.  Here are some other emotional breakdowns, sorted by level of toxicity:

1. Blaming and Criticizing
2. Withdrawal and Isolation
3. Door Slamming
4. Holding Grudges and Getting Even
5. Uncontrolled Crying
6. Email Letter Bomb
7. Angry Tirade
8. Hitting

Though I haven't seen it at work, I include hitting in the list because it would be about the worse thing you could do when angry. 

Interestingly enough, besides his angry tirade, Jimmy also did a lot blaming and criticizing.  My judgement was that he was scared; I think he was actually in a job that was over his head.  Fear seems to go hand in hand with blaming and criticizing.  Think about when children are afraid that they will get in trouble.  They often begin blaming everyone else around them instead of taking responsibility.

So what did I do when Jimmy was yelling at me?  Initially, I stayed very calm and simply tried to reason with him.  I was aware of my own emotions and noticed that I started getting angry as well.  I was not so much angry about the yelling as I was about his overall performance.  Jimmy had not completed his tasks from the night before as we had planned and he had delayed other people on the project.  So when he was screaming at me, I found myself wanting to pay him back for not doing what had been agreed. 

At that point in the conversation, I had at least three choices; let him continue to vent until he burned himself out, scream back at him, or leave the conversation.  My normal pattern would have been either continue to listen or to scream back.  On this day, I did the third thing which was to leave the conversation.  I told him I that I would not be yelled at and that I was hanging up.  I put down the phone and then promptly sent him an email saying I would not be yelled at and we could discuss it later when he was calm.  I think my note to him had a sobering effect. 

Getting off the phone felt better to me.  I don't want to take on other people's toxic anger or let it impact me.  What I learned later was that Jimmy had gone off on a number of people  before me.  Not surprisingly, his anger eventually caused him to lose his job at this company.

What I learned from this situation:

1. Emotional self-control is important.  Jimmy was not able to control his anger or other emotions.  He was viewed as explosive and eventually he lost his job.
2. I am OK even if you aren't.  The principal of emotional boundaries says that you are responsible for your emotions and others are responsible for theirs.  I am separate from Jimmy; he cannot make me angry or put me in a bad mood.  I don't need to get upset just because Jimmy is upset.  I can say things like "that sounds tough", or, "you sound angry".   
3. We need to take care of ourselves and not be a dumping ground for others.  If someone is yelling, we can remove ourselves from the conversation.  We sometimes need to take care of ourselves and tell others that the behavior is not acceptable.
4. Be aware of our own emotions.  When we are in a conflictual situation, we need to orient to our own emotions.  In this case, I noticed that because I was mad about Jimmy's late tasks, I was more likely to escalate the situation rather than be objective and calm things down.

I suspect that Jimmy is going to go on to another company and take those same behaviors with him.  Without an intervention of some type, it is unlikely that he will change.  I am OK with that.  I need to focus on myself and the things that I can change.  I cannot change others. 

How do you handle yourself when people yell at you?  I'd like to hear about your experience with these types of situations.

Thanks, Anthony

Why Don't You Just Tell the Truth?

I've written before about the importance of telling the truth at work.  For any number of reasons, people choose not to tell the truth.  Under the guise of being polite, wanting to appear to be kind, or taking care of the other, people choose to not tell the truth.  This just happened to me twice in the last couple of days and it bugged me.

In the first case, I was supposed to interview for a PM position to lead a large IT project.  The interview was to start at 9:00am and sure enough, at 9:00 my phone rang.  The women I was to interview with said hello and then said that she didn't want to waste my time but the position had been offered to another candidate the previous day.

This of course was not great news and I was disappointed.  OK, I was sad and angry.  But what also bothered me was that she said she didn't want to waste my time.  In other words, she believed she needed to take care of me and watch out for my time, instead of letting me take care of my own needs and end the interview.

The truth of the matter was that she didn't want to waste her time!  That would have been a more truthful and direct communication.  She stated it as if she were taking care of me but the truth was she did not want to invest any more of her time.  So, to be more honest, she could have simply said, "I don't want to spend any more time on this so let's not have an interview this morning".  Or, "I don't want to waste both of our time with an interview".

The second case of not being quite truthful happened to me last night.  I was talking with my friend on the phone and he said, "I don't want to keep you any longer".  That may very well have been true.  But like the previous example, it sounds like he believes that he needs to take care of me. 

By take care of me, I mean that he is saying it as if I could not take care of myself.  Like I am a hostage to him, and must remain on the phone until he tells me I can leave the call.  This would be typical of someone who has poor emotional boundaries.  In other words, if I have strong emotional boundaries, I don't need anyone to take care of me, I can take care of myself.  If I want to end the call, I can simply say, "I need to get going".  If, on the other hand, I had poor emotional boundaries, I might feel as if I needed someone to release me from the call.  I would be afraid of upsetting the other person by telling the truth.

We have all heard this before, right?  We have had people say to us, "I am going to let you go now" or "I want to respect your time", or "I don't want to keep you any longer".  What they are really saying is "I want to go now".  That is much more direct and truthful. 

Why don't we just tell the truth?  For me, I appreciate it when someone is telling me the truth; I don't want to be lied to or manipulated.  I like directness and honesty much better than someone trying to make it sound as if they are acting in my best interest or taking care of me.  Because the truth is, they are not taking care of me, they are trying to take care of themself.  Which is OK; just tell the truth about it.

Applied EQ #43 - Emotional Boundaries (part 2 of 2)

In part 1 of Emotional Boundaries, we talked about the importance of emotional boundaries and some warning signs of individuals with boundary issues.  Recognizing individuals with boundary issues is necessary for project managers.  Otherwise, our efforts to be more emotional in the work environment can be risky.  Individuals with boundary issues will play the victim, expect you to act in certain ways, or create other problems for you.  In this post, we are going to talk about how to deal with those individuals with boundary issues as well as provide links for individuals seeking more information.

A key concept of emotional boundaries is that we are responsible for our own emotions and only those emotions.  It is unhealthy for us to become too concerned with the emotions of others.  This can be a fine line for project managers (and other leaders) looking to affect the emotions of those around them.  What is the difference between healthy concern and unhealthy concern for the emotions of others?  How exactly do we respect our own emotional boundaries and those of others?

1. Respond appropriately.  How we respond to the emotions of others is a key to our own emotional sanity.  While we want to use empathy to understand the feelings of others, we need to be careful not to become "hooked in" to the emotions they are experiencing.  We need to exercise our own self-control in emotional and stressful situations.  We need to chose our response carefully.  For example, if we can remain calm and steadfast when others are angry, we can help to defuse that anger.  We don't need to ramp it up and get just as angry as the other person.

2. Take Responsibility.  Our own response should include taking responsibility for our own feelings.  When I take responsibility for my own feelings, I acknowledge that they are my feelings and that I have a choice about them.  Before we can take responsibility we have to be self-aware enough to know what it is we are feeling. 
   
   This could be as simple as saying "I feel angry when you come late to the weekly status meeting".  Do you see how this is subtly different from saying "you made me angry"?  That is the difference between being responsible for our feelings and being a victim of others.  That feeling of anger is a choice that we made based on the circumstances.

3. Let Them Be.  The flip-side of our responsibility is letting others be responsible for their feelings.  We cannot control others.  Often we need to simply let them have their reaction to our words or actions.  If they are going to be angry or sad, let that happen.
   
   This can be tricky for project managers.  We want to understand the impact of our actions, emotions, and decisions on the individuals on our teams.  But we should not necessarily change just because someone is going to get angry or sad.  We need to let them have their reaction.
   
   I recall an incident a few years ago where I had a team member who thought he should be promoted to a team lead.  I remember the angst that I felt since I knew he wasn't the best person for the job.  I put off the decision because I knew he was going to be angry.  Instead of simply making the announcement and letting that person have his reaction, I tiptoed around it for nearly a month.  I lacked sufficient courage to simply let that person be, and let them have their reaction to the decision.  I was afraid of his anger.
   
   If you don't learn to let others have their reaction, you will not be going for yourself.  You will be at the mercy of other people's emotions.  You will be continually looking outside yourself and playing it safe. 

4. You cannot fix other people.  An important lesson to me with regards to emotional boundaries is that I could not fix other people.  While we want to strive to be as aware of the people on our team or in our environment, becoming aware of others is very different than fixing others.  Trying to fix other people is an exercise in futility.
   
   

   Trying to fix other people is an exercise in futility.

5. Apply the Formula.  There is a mini-formula that is often cited for working through boundary issues.  Robert Burney, though not the originator, creatively calls this a formula for emotionally honest communications.  It goes like this: 
   
   "when you do... __________" (some behavior or action),
   "I feel..._________" (an emotion, such as sad or angry)
   "because...____________" (the reason)
   "I want...______________" (here is what I want in the future). 
   
   In the abstract, this may sound somewhat, well, formulaic.  Let's look at how you might apply this in the project environment.  Consider a situation when you have someone on your team doing something which makes you angry.  I had one like this once; several team leads who reported to me would drink alcohol at lunch and then return to work on the project.  Here is one way I could have handled the situation.
   
   "Tim, when you drink at lunch, I feel angry because I think it affects your performance and lowers the standards for our entire team.  I want you to drink responsibly and not come to work under the influence of alcohol." 

6. Seek Professional Help.  If you are struggling to deal with individuals on your team who have boundary issues, you might benefit from professional help.  A trained therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist might help you to prepare better for dealing with those people. 

The books published on emotional intelligence are surprisingly thin when it comes to emotional boundaries.  If you are interested in learning more, you may need to look to the Internet.   Here are some additional resources I have found on emotional boundaries.

1. This post from SHEblog.net was interesting.  Heck, just the idea of a SHE blog is interesting.  Based on the post frequency, this weblog may now be defunct.  Anyway, there is a post about emotional boundaries written by Roger Cavnaugh. 
2. For an in depth discussion of emotional boundaries, review this post from Sanctuary for the Abused.  Just a warning that the site plays some of the most loud and annoying music imaginable so you might want to turn down the volume prior to clicking. 
   
3. Try this group of articles on personal boundaries from grief therapist and author, Robert Burney, referenced above; be sure to scroll down to find the appropriate section.
4. This post from Patience Mason meanders a bit but has some helpful information on understanding boundaries.
5. Another resource for dealing with all categories of difficult people is the book Coping with Toxic Managers, Subordinates ...And Other Difficult People: Using Emotional Intelligence to Survive and Prosper, by Roy H. Lubit.

Applied EQ #42 - Emotional Boundaries (Part 1 of 2)

An important aspect of Social Awareness for project managers is the concept of emotional boundaries.  What is an emotional boundary?  An emotional boundary is where one person's emotions leave off and anther's begin.  Think about the following quote for a moment:

"Good fences make good neighbors."

It is pretty easy for us to understand the concept of a physical boundary like a fence.  What about boundaries that are less visible?  For example, how close can you comfortably stand next to another person?  Three feet apart?  Two feet apart?  What about in an elevator?  What about in an elevator that is really crowded?  Have you ever noticed how people in a crowded elevator will continually try to adjust their position so that they maximize their own personal space?  They will automatically move apart from each other as the elevator clears out.

Emotional boundaries are even more difficult to discern, and that makes them harder to navigate.  We previously discussed empathy and the need for project managers to be able to recognize and feel the emotions of others.  However, empathy does not mean we should take on the emotions of others.  As project managers, we need to recognize that we are separate and distinct from others.  We need to be responsible for our own emotions and let others be responsible for theirs.

How do you know when there are issues with emotional boundaries?  Have you ever heard anyone say that they "were in a good mood until you ruined it"?  They are implying that their mood was affected by you.  Or consider a situation where you are in a meeting and someone gathers their stuff and walks out abruptly.  Have you ever looked around at the others in the room and said, "was that me or was that him?". 

Here are some warning signs of individuals with emotional boundary issues:

1. Moods & Feelings - Individuals may take on the moods and feelings of others.  This is different than empathy which is the ability to understand the moods and feelings of others.  Individuals with boundary issues will become more vested in the moods and feelings of others and lose themselves.  As my mentor Rich says, they need to "take someone else's temperature to see how they are feeling".  They may also become so bothered by the moods and feelings of others that they try to "fix" the other so that they can feel better.
   
2. Pleasing Others - Those with boundary issues will sacrifice themselves to please others.  This could mean forgoing their choices or needs or it could become victim-like (see next item). 
   
   As an example, consider when you have a small group going out to lunch or making some other group choice.  Some individuals will go along with a choice they did not want (and may even hate) just to fit in and please others.
   
3. Victim-like Behavior - Pleasing others can be taken to the extreme of becoming a victim.  Individuals with boundary issues often find that to please others they feel that they cannot say no.  They end up feeling victimized by others.  The reality is that they allow others to take advantage of them.
   
4. Cannot Express Wants and Needs - Though they cannot (or will not) express what they want and need, they believe others should anticipate those unstated wants and needs and fulfill them. 

In our next post, we will look at some ways of developing or improving our emotional boundaries as well as resources for more information on emotional boundaries.