EQ4PM

The Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired Project Manager

I have been speaking quite a bit lately about the importance of emotional intelligence and risks of making dumb mistakes due to a lack of emotional intelligence.  I call this my Smart People, Dumb Mistakes Tour and it has been underway since last fall.  The idea is that there is a difference between intelligence (or IQ) and emotional intelligence.  Even really smart or successful people are at risk of making a dumb mistake when it comes to emotions (e.g. Eliot Spitzer or Lisa Lowak). 

Project managers especially need great people skills and would do well to avoid those dumb mistakes.  One of the key concepts that I have found to resonate with PMs is the idea that we are operating in stressful environments and at risk of some type of emotional breakdown or loss of control.  Many of us are doing more with less, staying connected and "on" all the time, and feeling overwhelmed in the process.  We are surrounded by people and situations that push our buttons and threaten to push us over the edge.

The best project managers tend to stay positive and unflappable no matter what comes their way.  I am jealous of those men and women.  For my part, I have to continually strive to do better and better in this area.  

One thing that helps me is to recognize that no matter what the stimulus, I still have a choice about my behavior.  I can choose a response that leads toward my goals, or I can react emotionally.  In fact, I devoted my last monthly newsletter to the topic of, Respond Don't React.  Here is a key graphic from that newsletter.  (FYI - You can sign up for my monthly newsletters from my home page). 

The key to being able to choose a response versus just reacting emotionally is our level of emotional resilience.  At a recent speaking event, a participant reminded me of a short and simple acronym for helping us gauge our level of emotional resilience.  It is the acronym HALT. 

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.  Those four serve as a gauge of our level of emotional resilience.  Whenever you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, your resilience is low and you are at risk of having a negative reaction or emotional breakdown.  You are less likely to make good choices about your responses to stimulus.

The key thing that HALT tells me is that I am at risk.  It is a quick test.  And those HALT items are pretty common indicators for most people.  If you wanted to elaborate, you could come up with additional things that might set you up for a breakdown.  This is a list that my audiences have given me:

• Illness and Fatigue
• Criticism
• Lack of Exercise
• Failing to reach my Goals
• Feeling Overwhelmed
• Always on with WIFI and my Blackberry

Here are some work situations that push my button and put me at risk for a breakdown.  See if you can recognize the HALT aspect for each of these situations:

• Working Late - When I am working long hours on a project. I am working late at the office and everyone else has gone home.  I am likely to be feeling lonely and tired,  I might also be hungry, and could easily be resentful and angry about all of it.
• Long Term Conflict - When I work in an environment where people don't like each other and are constantly fighting, it is stressful.  It is easy for me to feel angry and tired.  I am more likely to isolate myself and therefore feel lonely.
• Business Travel -  When I am traveling for work, I frequently find myself at the mercy of the airlines; flights are delayed or cancelled, or I sit on the tarmac before taking off or after landing.  I can be hungry, angry, lonely and tired when that occurs.
• Driving to and from Work - My current commute is 1 hour and 15 minutes.  Enough said!
• Long and Contentious Meetings - I may not be hungry in a long meeting, but when there is a lot of conflict, it is easy for me to feel angry, lonely, and tired.

Once I know what in particular is likely to set me up for a failure, I can be alert and see that as a sign of risk.  I can mitigate the risk, when I recognize it, by taking immediate action to remove myself from the situation.  This might include stepping out of the building for some fresh air or going home for the day.  This could be getting something healthy to eat or going to the gymn. 

I can avoid that risk entirely by taking good care of myself well in advance of being in this condition.  This might include getting more rest, eating better, exercising, or taking time off from work.  I can meditate, pray, spend time on hobbies, or connect with family or friends.  This falls into the category of 'self-care' and it is something that many project managers could improve on.

In an ideal world, I would be kind, graceful, and compassionate with everyone I meet every day.  Until I figure out how to do that, I need to use techniques like HALT or my list of triggers to avoid and recognize when I am at risk.  I can also improve in the area of self-care with the hope that an investment in me will pay off in having more grace and compassion for others.

Thanks,

Anthony

Working with Difficult People #03

How do you deal with people when they are having a meltdown? 

Last week, one of the members of my team named Jimmy lost it.  We were in the implementation phase of a system upgrade and he was working over the weekend.  I was talking to him on the phone and he went off and started screaming.  Jimmy's tirade was not so much directed at me as it was at others.  But it was me he was screaming at in that moment and it didn't feel good.

Angry tirades are one of the worst kinds of emotional breakdowns.  Here are some other emotional breakdowns, sorted by level of toxicity:

1. Blaming and Criticizing
2. Withdrawal and Isolation
3. Door Slamming
4. Holding Grudges and Getting Even
5. Uncontrolled Crying
6. Email Letter Bomb
7. Angry Tirade
8. Hitting

Though I haven't seen it at work, I include hitting in the list because it would be about the worse thing you could do when angry. 

Interestingly enough, besides his angry tirade, Jimmy also did a lot blaming and criticizing.  My judgement was that he was scared; I think he was actually in a job that was over his head.  Fear seems to go hand in hand with blaming and criticizing.  Think about when children are afraid that they will get in trouble.  They often begin blaming everyone else around them instead of taking responsibility.

So what did I do when Jimmy was yelling at me?  Initially, I stayed very calm and simply tried to reason with him.  I was aware of my own emotions and noticed that I started getting angry as well.  I was not so much angry about the yelling as I was about his overall performance.  Jimmy had not completed his tasks from the night before as we had planned and he had delayed other people on the project.  So when he was screaming at me, I found myself wanting to pay him back for not doing what had been agreed. 

At that point in the conversation, I had at least three choices; let him continue to vent until he burned himself out, scream back at him, or leave the conversation.  My normal pattern would have been either continue to listen or to scream back.  On this day, I did the third thing which was to leave the conversation.  I told him I that I would not be yelled at and that I was hanging up.  I put down the phone and then promptly sent him an email saying I would not be yelled at and we could discuss it later when he was calm.  I think my note to him had a sobering effect. 

Getting off the phone felt better to me.  I don't want to take on other people's toxic anger or let it impact me.  What I learned later was that Jimmy had gone off on a number of people  before me.  Not surprisingly, his anger eventually caused him to lose his job at this company.

What I learned from this situation:

1. Emotional self-control is important.  Jimmy was not able to control his anger or other emotions.  He was viewed as explosive and eventually he lost his job.
2. I am OK even if you aren't.  The principal of emotional boundaries says that you are responsible for your emotions and others are responsible for theirs.  I am separate from Jimmy; he cannot make me angry or put me in a bad mood.  I don't need to get upset just because Jimmy is upset.  I can say things like "that sounds tough", or, "you sound angry".   
3. We need to take care of ourselves and not be a dumping ground for others.  If someone is yelling, we can remove ourselves from the conversation.  We sometimes need to take care of ourselves and tell others that the behavior is not acceptable.
4. Be aware of our own emotions.  When we are in a conflictual situation, we need to orient to our own emotions.  In this case, I noticed that because I was mad about Jimmy's late tasks, I was more likely to escalate the situation rather than be objective and calm things down.

I suspect that Jimmy is going to go on to another company and take those same behaviors with him.  Without an intervention of some type, it is unlikely that he will change.  I am OK with that.  I need to focus on myself and the things that I can change.  I cannot change others. 

How do you handle yourself when people yell at you?  I'd like to hear about your experience with these types of situations.

Thanks, Anthony

Smart People Dumb Mistakes - The Tour

This month I am excited to be launching a series of speaking engagements titled "Smart People Dumb Mistakes".  These presentations will look at how some very intelligent people have had their careers impacted by a lack of emotional intelligence.  This topic is very near and dear to my heart since I struggled with a lack of emotional intelligence myself for most of my career.

The presentations will look at some very public emotional breakdowns that have been career-threatening, like the Michael Richards toxic meltdown and Alec Baldwin's scathing voicemail to his daughter.  We will also look at some less-known examples of minor breakdowns that various leaders have experienced and the toll that a lack of charisma can take on a project manager's career.  Finally, we'll look at five specific steps that inviduals can take to protect themselves agains career threatening breakdowns and improve their charisma.

I am excited to be presenting at the following PMI Chapters over the next 9 months, with more dates and locations being added all the time:

• PMI Madison, WI (Sep '07)
• PMI Central IL (Oct '07)
• PMI Austin (Oct '07)
• PMI Chicagoland (Dec '07) 
• PMI Quad Cities (Jan '08)
• PMI Puget Sound (May '08)
• PMI Minnesota (Jun '08)

I've drafted a white paper on the topic and would love to get your feedback.  The only left to do is print up the T-Shirts.

Bad Bosses, Worst Bosses, and Dumb Bosses

I read a couple of great posts over at BrainBasedBusiness about dealing with bad bosses.  They are The Worst Bosses get Promoted, not Punished and 5 Reasons Bad Bosses Get Their Way.  The timing was good because I was also reading the book When Smart People Work for Dumb Bosses.  It's not because I am currently working for a bad boss, though I have had a few in my career.  It's actually research I am doing for my newest emotional intelligence workshop for IT professionals.

In those posts from BrainbasedBusiness, Dr. Ellen Weber discussed some of the physical and chemical responses in the brain that escalate or de-escalate stress and conflict.   Weber goes on to provide some tips for staying calm and dealing with bad bosses. 

Unfortunately, we don't often get to choose who are bosses are and we could end up dealing with one at some point.  Here are a few additional thoughts on working with problem people and bosses that I am working on for my emotional intelligence workshops:

Stick to business & avoid confrontation - Sometimes you may want to simply focus on getting the job done and not on confronting or "fixing" others.

Document everything - Though it takes more work, it is sometimes necessary to create a paper trail so that you have records of what has transpired.

Seek help - Don't  suffer alone.  Reach out to other managers, peers, or the HR department when you are struggling with a bad boss.  Our relationships with others can strengthen us during tough times.  I would caution against sharing your problems with peers who only inflame you or the situation.

Refocus your energies - If you find yourself under pressure from a difficult boss, it may be a good time to put your energies into other pursuits outside work.  Seek out hobbies or other activities that energize and rejuvenate you.

Consider a move - You are gifted and valuable!  Don't throw away your talents to those who don't appreciate them.  Go to another department within the same company or leave the company if necessary.  Better to leave the bad boss in the rear view mirror then continue to be under the gun.

Don’t take it personally - Generally bad bosses are that way because of themselves, not because of you.  After evaluating any areas where you may have contributed to the situation, and taking appropriate action, don't take anything else personally.  Don't see the situation as something you have caused.

Like Dr. Weber, I would encourage you to provide your tips and feedback.