EQ4PM

You Can Do Anything You Want On Your Last Day at Work – Part 2

A couple of weeks back, I posted about Bill Gates and the video he made regarding his upcoming last day at Microsoft.  I complimented Bill on his self-confidence and his willingness to have a laugh at his own expense.  I also noted the importance of being able to laugh at ourselves as a sign of strong self-confidence. 

Bill’s video and his willingness to show his flaws demonstrates another key aspect of leadership – selectively revealing weaknesses.  This may seem like a rather minor leadership trait but one that has been shown to be important in leadership studies conducted by Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs. 

You may remember my previous posts (1, 2 and 3) about Dulewicz and Higgs and their work with the Leadership Dimensions Questionnaire.  They have shown that revealing weaknesses is a key aspect of  effective leaders.  It relates directly to the managerial competencies of Engaging Communications and the emotional intelligence competencies of Interpersonal Sensitivity and Self-Awareness.

This finding of Dulewicz and Higgs is based in part on the 2006 book, Why Should Anyone Be Led by You? , by Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones.  In their book, Goffee and Jones talk about the importance for leaders to communicate to their followers some form of personal weakness.  Effective leaders show who they truly are, warts and all.  This serves to make the leader more human and therefore more approachable and likable.  It serves to establish trust and credibility with followers.  The leader seems more authentic than they would if they were not revealing any weaknesses, and that is desired (or perhaps demanded) by followers.

"The desire to be led by a real person demands that we know something of a leader's human foibles and shortcomings." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This runs counter to our natural inclination to build ourselves up and try to look our best.  Goffee and Jones say that those leaders that don’t let themselves show any sign of weakness are either perceived as a phony or as someone that doesn’t take any risks. 

What Bill Gates did in this video, and has done over his tenure as CEO and Chairman of Microsoft, is to show that he is fallible and human.  It’s not that he isn’t brilliant or that he doesn’t take his work seriously.  It is because he is able to show that he isn’t superhuman; he is a human like the rest of us.

Those leaders who are unwilling to reveal a weakness may find that their subordinates make one up for them.  It’s like the celebrities and stars being followed around by the tabloids and papparazi; if they can’t find something to write about, they will fill in the blanks or make something up.  Don’t leave your subordinates in the lurch; give them something.

Part of our communication challenge as project managers and leaders is to let people see the real us at work.  We need to show them that we have weaknesses too.  Here are some examples from various leaders in the public realm:

• As President, Bill Clinton revealed a weakness for junk food and women. He probably should have just stuck with the junk food.
• Ronal Reagan was also a very popular President despite his confessed lack of memory and details and his love of jelly beans.  

A leader that I respect and admire is Bill Hybels, the senior pastor at my church. He has done a great job of sharing flaws that make him human without diminishing his leadership abilities.  Here are some of the weaknesses he has shared:

• He says he is of Dutch origins and therefore very cheap
• He is a complete pushover for his new grandson
• He lacks artistic talent even though he frequently makes flip chart drawings during his talks
• He is not a "hugger"

As Bill has shown, the key is to reveal weaknesses that make you human without taking away from your leadership skills.  It is similar to the challenge you face when you interview for a job and the interviewer asks about your weaknesses.  This is not the time to share that you frequently “borrow” company supplies for personal use, that you sleep late and miss important meetings, or that you have a string of sexual harassment suits pending against you.  This is the time to share some real but not lethal weakness.

Goffee and Jones say to never expose a weakness that would be seen as a fatal flaw.  In other words, it needs to be a real weakness but just the right weakness. 

"Knowing which weakness to reveal, and when, is often a highly honed art closely linked to the ability to sense the requirements of different situations." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This is time to share something that is an understandable weakness and one that is tangential to your work efforts.  As a project manager, you would not want to say that you are disorganized or that you have poor people skills.  If you are in IT, you would not want to share that you are not good with technology. 

Here are some weaknesses that I have heard people share:

• They are uncomfortable speaking in front of large groups (unless you are a speaker or trainer)
• They sometimes get so involved in the details that they lose track of time
• They collect porcelain pigs
• They can not remember people’s names
• That they are scared of heights or hate to fly in airplanes

One more caution about these flaws; the flaw must be real and genuine, otherwise the leader will be perceived as inconsistent or dishonest.  For example, I once saw a senior executive in an organization who broke into tears during an emotional discussion.  His employees viewed his tears as manipulative and didn’t trust him.

My challenge to you is to determine if you are trying to be too perfect.  Are you showing your weaknesses to your followers or trying to be a super-project manager?  Let me know what you think.

If you didn't see Bill's video about his last day, here is the link.

Cheers!

Anthony
 

I'll Give You Something To Cry About and Other Emotional BS

It's a wonder we are as emotionally healthy as we are when you consider that the primary way that most of us learned about emotions was from our parents.  Some of the things our parents taught us about emotions or modeled for us were just plain wrong and unhealthy.  While I think my own case was perhaps extreme, I have talked to enough people to believe that MOST of our parents unwittingly taught us things that were worthless and in some cases counter to what would be healthy.  Just like the rule about waiting an hour after you eat before swimming, our parents simply taught us what they thought was right.  Or they modeled what they had learned from their parents.

Here is a list of some of the things I heard growing up as well as some things that others have told me they heard. 

Common Parental Messages about Emotions

Sadness

• I'll give you something to cry about
• There is no crying in baseball
• Don't cry, everything is going to be OK
• Big boys don't cry
• Don't be sad, everything is going to be OK
• Stop it you big crybaby

Self-Confidence

• Don't brag
• Don't be too cocky
• Who died and put you in charge?

Fear

• You better be scared!
• I'll give you something to be scared about
• I am going to send you to a juvenile home / call the police
• If you don't do this, I am going to beat you!
• Come on, don't be a scaredy cat.

Happy / Excited

• Why are you all happy?
• Calm down / quiet down / quiet down right now or else
• Take it easy

Anger

• Don't get angry
• Don't let anyone get to you
• Don't let them get your goat

Expressing Emotions

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don't say that or you will upset your father/mother

So learning about emotional intelligence often starts with unlearning what we were taught, and breaking unhealthy bad habits.  It is not easy work.  Sometimes these patterns and reactions are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even recognize them.  In their book Promoting Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler contrast emotional with cognitive learning and the challenges of emotional learning.

"Emotional incompetence often stems from habits learned early in life.  These automatic habits are set in place as a normal part of living, as experience shapes the brain...When habits are strong, the underlying neural connections become the brain's default option- what a person does automatically and spontaneously often with little or no awareness that a menu of possible responses is available."
-Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler 

The only way to break these patterns and improve our emotional intelligence is with the help of someone else; a friend, spouse, classmate or coach.  I learned through a mentor and a group of 10 men and women that I met with every week for four and a half years!  Though I consider my case an extreme one, we all need feedback to see that we are acting in unhealthy ways and support to make the necessary changes.

I'd love to hear what you think.  What did you learn from your parents?  What are you teaching and modelling for your children?

Cheers!

Anthony

People Hate Their Jobs?

I read a post over at Ellen Weber's Brain Based Business blog that made me sad.  The post was called Top 10 Reasons People Hate Work.  It talks about some of the challenges that people face at work, like relationship problems, lack of problem resolution and goal achievement, negative and verbally abusive people, and stress.

I don't take exception to any of these problems.  Nor do I believe that these types of work environments don't exist because they certainly do.  What makes me sad is that people continue to work in these types of environments or in environments that they hate.  That is depressing.  That sounds like poor choices, victim-hood, or self-abuse.  Why would people do that to themselves?  It is a choice, after all.

Ellen closed her post with a challenge: What other reasons do people give for hating their work – that you could suggest a strategy to solve?

In the spirit of the current presidential debates, I am not going to answer the question that Ellen asked.  I don't want to think about other reasons that people give for hating their jobs.  I think it gets us to focus on the negative. 

Instead, I would suggest that we re-frame the question by moving from victim-hood and self-abuse to responsibility.  Here are some questions we can use to shift the focus from victim-hood to responsibility:

• How am I contributing to the current situation at work?
• What can I do differently to make a positive impact?
• How can I manage my emotions to stay positive in a negative or toxic environment?
• How can I change the tone or mood at work?

The key to moving away from victim-hood is to focus on the positive steps that we can take.  These may include personal stress management, cutting back on work hours, and avoiding or confronting negative and verbally abusive people.  We can also seek help from our manager, the HR department, or even reach out to co-workers who want to stay positive and healthy.

As a last step, consider a job change.  If you have done what you can to stay positive, manage yourself, and change your work environment, then you should seriously consider changing companies or jobs.  Why would you want to work at a place or job that you hate?  Doing so says a lot more about you than those you work with.  And if you are attracted to that environment or choose to stay even when you hate it, it would lead me to believe you were part of the problem.

Emotional Boundaries Paper posted on www.ALLPM.com

The theme of the month over at the ALLPM.com newsletter is "Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers".  I was delighted to be invited to submit an article on the topic and to get to know Judy Umlas, co-Editor of ALLPM.com, publisher at IIL, and executive director of learning innovations at IIL.  If you are reading this blog, this topic is probably of interest to you and I want to encourage you to check out ALLPM.com.

Though I didn't meet him, Dr. Al Zeitoun submitted his paper for the current ALLPM.com newsletter titled, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.  Dr. Zeitoun is a senior executive of IIL and frequent speaker at PMI events worldwide.

The article I submitted was about emotional boundaries for project managers.  The paper discusses what emotional boundaries are and then shows how they can cause conflict in the project environment.  It provides some indicators or warning signs of when there are boundary issues and concludes with six tips that project managers can use to improve their emotional boundaries.

I have also been supplying ALLPM.com with a steady stream of project management "Tips of the Day" related to emotional intelligence.  You can check out the current emotional intelligence tip of the day here or see all of the tips that were provided this month by going to the emotional intelligence tip archives.

Finally, I wanted to share the current results of the mini-poll that ALLPM is running on their site.  The question was, "How Important is emotional intelligence to your success as a PM"?  Here is a snapshot of the results after 13 days and 77 votes.  Not surprising, the majority of project managers felt it was either critically important or very important (68 of 77 votes).   If you have not already voted, please visit ALLPM.com and place your vote.

 

As always, I welcome your comments and questions.

Smart People Dumb Mistakes - The Tour

This month I am excited to be launching a series of speaking engagements titled "Smart People Dumb Mistakes".  These presentations will look at how some very intelligent people have had their careers impacted by a lack of emotional intelligence.  This topic is very near and dear to my heart since I struggled with a lack of emotional intelligence myself for most of my career.

The presentations will look at some very public emotional breakdowns that have been career-threatening, like the Michael Richards toxic meltdown and Alec Baldwin's scathing voicemail to his daughter.  We will also look at some less-known examples of minor breakdowns that various leaders have experienced and the toll that a lack of charisma can take on a project manager's career.  Finally, we'll look at five specific steps that inviduals can take to protect themselves agains career threatening breakdowns and improve their charisma.

I am excited to be presenting at the following PMI Chapters over the next 9 months, with more dates and locations being added all the time:

• PMI Madison, WI (Sep '07)
• PMI Central IL (Oct '07)
• PMI Austin (Oct '07)
• PMI Chicagoland (Dec '07) 
• PMI Quad Cities (Jan '08)
• PMI Puget Sound (May '08)
• PMI Minnesota (Jun '08)

I've drafted a white paper on the topic and would love to get your feedback.  The only left to do is print up the T-Shirts.

My Interview with Peter Morris, The Business Shrink

Last month I was interviewed by Peter Morris, The Business Shrink, host of a Chicago-based syndicated radio program.  We talked about the release of my book for project managers and some examples of how people benefit from emotional intelligence.

While not nearly as interesting as, say, David Letterman interviewing Madonna, the interview had it's moments.  You can listen to or download the MP3 recording of the interview here:

http://businessshrinkbiz.nationprotect.net/archives/web/BizShrink07-26-07Mersino.mp3

Enjoy!

Top EQ Issues Facing Project Managers Today

It is interesting to learn about emotional intelligence from others.  In the process of conducting emotional intelligence workshops for PMs over the last 5 months, I have found that I learn new things during each session.  I am particularly interested in the top emotional intelligence issues and challenges that PMs face.

In my workshops I conduct an exercise that I call "Problem Census".  I ask participants to think about their work environment and to:

Identify the issues, breakdowns, or major problems that you experience in the workplace that you believe are related to emotional intelligence or may be helped by this workshop.

I have been reviewing the collected data from various angles and using it to develop new exercises and approaches to help the workshop participants.  Here is a chart with a summary of the issues from the last two workshops (click to enlarge).

One important thing to note about the chart; even though I included one category for project conflict, most (if not all) of the issues could have been considered 'project conflict'.  I wanted to avoid having one large category so where possible I tried to separate into other categories that would make more sense.

If you would like to see all the data, click here to download a PDF of all the responses.

I would love to hear your feedback and comments.  What are the biggest issues, challenges, breakdowns or problems that you face at work?  Do you agree with the ones that are shown?

Bad Bosses, Worst Bosses, and Dumb Bosses

I read a couple of great posts over at BrainBasedBusiness about dealing with bad bosses.  They are The Worst Bosses get Promoted, not Punished and 5 Reasons Bad Bosses Get Their Way.  The timing was good because I was also reading the book When Smart People Work for Dumb Bosses.  It's not because I am currently working for a bad boss, though I have had a few in my career.  It's actually research I am doing for my newest emotional intelligence workshop for IT professionals.

In those posts from BrainbasedBusiness, Dr. Ellen Weber discussed some of the physical and chemical responses in the brain that escalate or de-escalate stress and conflict.   Weber goes on to provide some tips for staying calm and dealing with bad bosses. 

Unfortunately, we don't often get to choose who are bosses are and we could end up dealing with one at some point.  Here are a few additional thoughts on working with problem people and bosses that I am working on for my emotional intelligence workshops:

Stick to business & avoid confrontation - Sometimes you may want to simply focus on getting the job done and not on confronting or "fixing" others.

Document everything - Though it takes more work, it is sometimes necessary to create a paper trail so that you have records of what has transpired.

Seek help - Don't  suffer alone.  Reach out to other managers, peers, or the HR department when you are struggling with a bad boss.  Our relationships with others can strengthen us during tough times.  I would caution against sharing your problems with peers who only inflame you or the situation.

Refocus your energies - If you find yourself under pressure from a difficult boss, it may be a good time to put your energies into other pursuits outside work.  Seek out hobbies or other activities that energize and rejuvenate you.

Consider a move - You are gifted and valuable!  Don't throw away your talents to those who don't appreciate them.  Go to another department within the same company or leave the company if necessary.  Better to leave the bad boss in the rear view mirror then continue to be under the gun.

Don’t take it personally - Generally bad bosses are that way because of themselves, not because of you.  After evaluating any areas where you may have contributed to the situation, and taking appropriate action, don't take anything else personally.  Don't see the situation as something you have caused.

Like Dr. Weber, I would encourage you to provide your tips and feedback.

Self-Awareness - The Truth Will Set You Free

I have been reading Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box a book about relationships.  This is written in the form of a business fable, similar to The Goal, or The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.  It is an easy read and something you could finish in four or five hours if you wanted.

Similar to The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Leadership and Self-Deception is about our relationships and the breakdowns that occur.  Specifically it is about our ability to see and understand how our own issues prevent us from being in relationship with others at the same time that those issues perpetuate conflict.  While not specifically about emotional intelligence, this book is about understanding ourselves better and improving our relationships.

The thing that struck me most about this book was how it highlighted our ability to deny reality.  In order to justify our poor behavior toward others (what the book calls betraying ourselves), we need to make others bad by highlighting their shortcomings and diminishing their good qualities.  We attribute negative qualities to them (e.g. she is lazy) or use all or nothing thinking (e.g. he never shows up on time).  At the same time, we imagine ourselves to be better than we are and we enhance our own qualities.

The book calls this process self-deception.  We deceive ourselves about what is really happening and that becomes a reinforcing cycle that is hard to break.

I think all of us have some sort of denial going on all the time and I believe it to be an important factor on whether we are able to make meaningful change in our lives.  If we get honest with ourselves about our current situation, admit that we are falling short or need help, we empower ourselves to make changes.  On the other hand, if we stay in denial, we simply find or produce evidence to help us stay right where we are.  Awareness is indeed the first step to making meaningful change.

Self-awareness is one of the first building blocks of emotional intelligence.  Having an accurate self-assessment is the key to being able to see ourselves as others see us and to have a starting position for any kind of change or improvement.  For more on self-awareness, see my earlier posts on self-awareness on this blog or visit my squidoo lens Project Manager's Guide to Emotional Intelligence.

If you want to improve your self-awareness, break through denial, and see yourself as others see you, here is one concrete step you can take today.  The Six Seconds EQ Network is offering free use of their SEI-360 emotional intelligence assessment tool for a limited time.  This is a great opportunity for you to get a better view of how others see you and your emotional intelligence.  You can invite project team members or other project stakeholders to provide you feedback on your emotional intelligence.  This would typically cost $200-$300, so getting it for free is pretty nice!  (Disclaimer:  I have no affiliation with Six Seconds and get nothing from this referral).

It is vulnerable to open yourself up to feedback and to the truth about how you act and how you are perceived.  Paradoxically, this vulnerability strengthens us instead of weakening us.  As it says in the bible, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free".  How can you find out more about yourself and your interactions with others?  What are the areas of truth that you need to learn about yourself?  That truth will empower you to make positive changes in your life.

Beyond the Hype Article in PM Network - 3 of 3

The Beyond the Hype Article from the April 2007 PM Network Magazine prompted a dialogue between fellow emotional intelligence blogger Galba Bright and myself.  We were focused on how to best to help individuals improve their level of emotional intelligence and I asked Galba the following three questions.

1. How do we determine where people are? (what is the current level of EQ)
2. Based on where they are, how do we determine their EQ potential?
3. What are the strengths and weaknesses of the tools (training, coaching,books)?

Today I am going to focus on the third of these three questions - strengths and weaknesses of the tools for developing emotional intelligence.  As I see it, there are four common ways of learning about a topic like emotional intelligence.  I am going to explore the strengths and weaknesses of these four approaches.  Then I will share my experience with a fifth way; the way I learned about emotional intelligence. 

Here are the four ways, in order of increasing effectiveness:

1. Read a book
2. Take a self-study or e-training course
3. Traditional classroom training
4. One-on-one coaching

1. READ A BOOK

I have to admit that I love books.  I've learned a lot of things by reading books.  When I was 16 years old I pulled the engine out of my Ford Mustang and put a new one in - all based on the instructions I read in a book. 

I've actually read more than a dozen books on emotional intelligence.  You can check out my list of emotional intelligence books here on my Squidoo lens.

But this is not how I learned about emotional intelligence.  Most of the books I read described emotional intelligence as if it were being studied in a laboratory or was something out there, like space.  You see, you can't learn how to feel your feelings from a book.  Further, most people cannot accurately assess their own strengths and weaknesses to be able to determine where to invest or make changes.  For example, if I knew that I had an emotional intelligence problem, I would probably change it.  But reading a book is not going to help me understand problems I don't even know I had.

The best books on emotional intelligence have assessments to help you understand where you currently are and exercises to help you to develop or improve your skills.  Here are a couple of books with exercises:

• Emotional Intelligence at Work by Hendrie Weisinger Ph.D.
• The EQ Difference: A Powerful Plan for Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work by Adele B. Lynn

Unfortunately, books are not the most effective way to learn about emotional intelligence.  They cannot tell you where you need to improve and they rarely provide tools to change or develop skills.

2. Self-study or e-Training Course

Taking a self-study or e-training course on emotional intelligence is a lot like reading a book.  You can gain knowledge about the topic but not necessarily be any better in terms of performance or interpersonal skills. 

If a self-study or e-Training course contained feedback from others - such as a Johari's window approach or a 360 degree assessment - that would provide you a clue as to what you need to improve. 

3. Traditional Classroom Training

Traditional classroom training has the advantage over the first two approaches in that you can get some feedback from the instructor.  You might see some things that you were not able to see for yourself and to get some help practicing new skills and techniques.

Classroom training might also make use of role-playing and other interactive techniques that help you apply the knowledge to develop new skills and competencies.  In terms of effectiveness for emotional intelligence learning, classroom training is much better than either books or self-study. 

The downside of classroom training is that most training courses are pretty boring.  Students cannot simply sit back and let the information flow over them and expect to get much improvement in their emotional intelligence.

4. One-on-One Coaching

Coaching is a very good way to learn about emotional intelligence.  And it is pretty popular based on all the emotional intelligence coaches you can find on the Internet. 

With coaching, you can get insights into those areas where you need to improve.  Your coach can hold up a mirror to us so that we can see both our blind spots as well as how well we are hiding information from others. Coaches can provide feedback that is non-threatening.  Coaches can help you see different approaches and applications, can assist with role-playing, and they can hold you accountable to follow through on plans or actions.

The main downside of coaching is the cost.  Many people simply cannot afford to retain a coach to help them with their emotional intelligence.  Companies that are willing to spend for traditional classroom training may be unwilling to pay for coaching.

Which Approach is best?

For the purposes of learning about emotional intelligence, I would put these four approaches to learning on a continuum such as the one below.  I believe that the learning is more effective as you move from doing things alone to learning by including others. 

As I mentioned above, there is one additional approach to learning about emotional intelligence.  It is the way that I learned about emotional intelligence, though as I noted, I also read a lot of books and worked with a coach.  In my next post, I will explore that 5th approach in detail.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about these learning approaches and any that you have tried.