EQ4PM

What's Up With Your Nick?

I joined a new consulting project last month at a great company.  I am leading a small IT project team implementing a vendor software package.  It is pretty standard stuff and the only thing that makes it challenging is the vendor; they seem destined to irritate and disappoint the customer.

Anyway, I have a member of my team who reminded me of many of the serious IT professionals I have worked with in the past.  She is smart, experienced, technically adept, and hard working.  But she is also abrasive, short, sarcastic, difficult to manage, evasive, and adversarial.

Her behavior generally isn't an issue and I found myself willing to overlook and work-around this individual's idiosyncrasies in order to get the job done.  I tried to be charming, flexible, and even funny and I tried to forget that it sucked to be ignored and avoided, this persons M.O.

I didn't take it personally though.  This person seems to pretty much treat everyone the same.  And they are not alone.  It made me think about all the IT professionals that I've worked with who operated the same way.  It also reminded me of Nick Burns. 

Nick is the Saturday Night Live character from a few years back.  Played flawlessly by Jimmy Fallon, Nick is rude, sarcastic, caustic, and obnoxious.  He is the stereotypical IT consultant. 

We all know at least one Nick Burns.  If you work as an IT project manager, you probably know more than one and chances are that you have one or more on your project team.  On the one hand, it keeps our job exciting.  On the other, sometimes it is just a pain in the butt.

I was thinking a lot about Nick and about the individual on my project team.  If I apply what I know about Social Awareness and Empathy, then I should try to put myself in their shoes.  So I did and this is what I came up with.

"Hi, I am Nick.  I have my MCSE, Oracle, SAP and UNIX certification.  I have been working on computers since I was 11.  I read six different technical magazines each week and I am a moderator for the extreme programming local interest group.  I built my own home computer using a quad-core motherboard and two 4.1 Ghz processors.  Work is a joke.  Most of the people I work with are total morons except for 1 guy in my department.  We laugh at the stupid things those jokers come up with."

My judgment is that most of the Nick's out there are primarily scared and angry.  They are scared that others will think they are losers or not smart which is their deepest darkest secret.  They are also scared that they won't be loved or appreciated.  Their biggest hunger is to matter; to be important.  While they are generally anti-social, they really do not want to be ignored.  That is why they put themselves into positions of helping so that they can prove over and over again that they know what they are doing.  They often create their own problems or crisis so that they can ride in and save the day.

They are angry about not being seen as valuable, that others are promoted above them and are paid more (even when they don't work hard or are total morons), they are victims of the (fill in the blank) vendor/company/business users/project managers/spouse/pointy haired boss.  They are angry about having to constantly stay on top of technology, stay ahead of trends, and make up for the ignorance of everyone around them.

If you have a Nick on your team, I would love to hear your assessment of him/her and what you think are their primary emotions.

Thanks, Anthony

Twenty Emotional Intelligence Tips from AllPM

This month I was one of the guest contributors over at ALLPM.com where the theme was emotional intelligence for project managers.  I contributed the following list of daily tips for project managers and after looking at them, I realized they are pretty good!  So here are the 20 tips of the day from ALLPM.com, grouped according to the emotional intelligence framework for project managers shown below.  Enjoy!

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Tip of the Day #1 - David Caruso and Peter Salovey said that "emotions are information". Are you able to fully experience your emotions at work and use them as information? Or do you try to "leave emotions at the door" when you arrive at work? Try logging every emotion you feel throughout the day today. Later tonight, spend some time reflecting on those emotions and see if you can understand the information that each emotion provides.

Tip of the Day #5 - Do you recognize when you are experiencing feelings during the day? A simple technique for increasing emotional self-awareness is to track emotions during the day using SASHET, an acronym for Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender. Keep a SASHET tally sheet today and see if there are patterns in the emotions you feel and those you don't feel.

Tip of the Day #6 - Sarcasm is usually an indication that someone is both angry and scared. When you hear sarcasm, you should ask yourself what that person is angry and scared about. This is doubly important if you are the one using sarcasm. I challenge you to make note of the times today that you hear sarcasm being used and looked behind the sarcasm to the emotions of the individual.

Tip of the Day #7 - Most of us cringe when we hear negative feedback or criticism. Feedback is a gift. Even critical feedback usually contains some kernel of truth that helps us grow if we are open to it. When we hear critical feedback, we need to get over our own defensiveness, listen carefully, and ask probing questions that lead us to that kernel of truth. Our greatest growth opportunities will come from those ‘gifts’ from others.

Tip of the Day #10 - Self-confidence is when we are grounded, secure, and self-assured. It’s easy to be rattled or thrown off our game by a recent setback or failure. One technique for overcoming a lack of self-confidence is to reflect on our past successes. Create a timeline on a piece of paper and mark on it the successes, small and large, that you have experienced over your career. By reviewing our past successes, we can put our current setbacks into perspective and see them as temporary.

2. SELF-MANAGMENT

Tip of the Day #3 - There are times when we remain unruffled by others and times when we react strongly. Pay attention to those times when you let other people push your buttons. What are the specific conditions where you are likely to let your guard down? Is it when you are tired, stressed, sick, feeling unappreciated or criticized, or not taking care of yourself? Try to avoid putting yourself in those situations where you aren’t able to choose a graceful response.

Tip of the Day #9 - Many of us work in environments that are stressful. We can remain graceful and unruffled when we learn to reduce our own stress level. I have found that laughing out loud, going for a walk, spending time with people I like, breathing techniques, and prayer or meditation help me to unwind. Select one of these techniques and practice it today, even if you don’t really need it.

Tip of the Day #11 - Perfectionists find that people never quite measure up to their expectations. They can be just as hard on themselves as well. Instead of going for perfection, strive for excellence which can be defined as doing your very best in every situation. Celebrate excellence and don’t get sucked into thinking that everything needs to be perfect.

Tip of the Day #15 - Some of us set ourselves up for stressful situations or negative outcomes by arriving late or unprepared for early morning meetings with team members or other project stakeholders. This can cause us to lose momentum or feel lousy for the rest of the day. Next time you have an important meeting, try getting to bed early, getting up early, and getting in to work before everyone else. Allow yourself some quiet time to review your notes and objectives for the meeting as well as to think about the emotions of each person that will be attending. Your calmness and quiet confidence will show clearly and even be contagious.

3. Social Awareness

Tip of the Day #8 - If you want to boost your standings with your project team, learn to listen with empathy. This includes giving others your full attention when they are speaking and letting them speak instead of interrupting or finishing their sentences. When they have expressed themselves, respond with empathy and emotions (e.g. that sounds tough, you sound sad). Finally, ask them what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you have to solve their problems or tell them what to do.

4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Tip of the Day #2 - Project management is about getting work done through others. Rarely is anything of significance done by one person working alone. It is the relationships we build with our team members and other stakeholders that determine how effective we will be as project managers. Take an honest assessment of the most important stakeholder relationships for your current project. Make it a point today to meet with those individuals with the objective of improving your relationship with them.

Tip of the Day #4 - Mom always said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Unfortunately that approach can lead to a dangerous buildup of hurts over minor and major issues. A better approach is to keep short accounts with people by saying, “I don’t like it when you do/say X”. This frees us up from holding on to resentments and avoids a major explosion down the road.

Tip of the Day #12 - Picnicking is a term for people who eat their lunches alone at their desk, ostensibly because of their workload. This is isolating and keeps us out of relationship. Instead of eating alone, make it a point to go to lunch with a co-worker, team member, or a project stakeholder. The relationship you will build will produce benefits far greater than what you would gain by working through lunch at your desk.

Tip of the Day #13 - While we all strive to do our best to build relationships, we will invariably find that we don’t always get along with others. If you find yourself consistently having relationship problems, look for patterns of those problems. Since we are the common denominator in our relationships, we may be the cause of the pattern of breakdowns. Some of us unknowingly carry emotional baggage with us. By becoming aware of the pattern, we empower ourselves to do something about it.

Tip of the Day #14 - People tend to thrive on positive recognition and acknowledgment and wither on criticism. Since it was always easier for me to point out what was wrong than to recognize what was right, I had to push myself and build routines into my day and week to be more encouraging. One technique I found helpful was to keep a log of when I recognized various team member’s positive contributions. Try keeping a tally sheet of your team and mark down whenever you are able to recognize one of your team members. Strive for at least one positive or encouraging comment per person each day.

Tip of the Day #18 - Relationship-building is a task you will rarely find on a project plan or in a WBS. However, as a project manager, building relationships with project stakeholders is a major success factor. Don’t leave stakeholder relationships to chance; give this activity the same importance as other project management tasks. Add relationship building tasks to your ‘to do’ and ‘action item’ lists, block out time on your calendar for relationships, and track your progress in this important area.

5. TEAM LEADERSHIP

Tip of the Day #16 - The project manager has the opportunity to establish ground rules, values, or expectations for the behavior of the team. If you don’t set those up at the start of the project, you may be surprised to find that people behave badly and team members don’t respect you as the leader. Try working with your team to create a contract for behavior early in the project lifecycle. This will make everyone a part of the process and accountable for enforcing whatever rules are agreed.

Tip of the Day #17 - My mentor Robb used to say that you live or die by your project team. Getting the best resources is critical to your success; this shouldn’t be left up to chance or to the resource managers in your company. You will attract and retain great project resources when you develop your interpersonal skills (like emotional intelligence), lead with integrity, and create a positive project environment.

Tip of the Day #19 - Holding others accountable is a key part of the project manager’s job; if you are not doing it you are not leading. I sometimes find it challenging to hold senior managers, clients, or project sponsors accountable because I fear confrontation with them. It has helped me to pinpoint the source of my fear, challenge whether it is valid or not, and then move forward through the fear. It also helps to have a tool like a Responsibility Matrix to clearly communicate who is accountable for project activities.

Tip of the Day #20 - As the leader of the team, the project manager sets the emotional tone for the group. Do you emote positive feelings and create what Daniel Goleman calls “resonance”? Or do you tend to give off negative vibes and create “dissonance”? Take time today to ask one or two of your current team members if they experience you as positive and encouraging. Listen as quietly as you can, without defending, and try to note at least one or two things you can do differently to boost your resonance level.

Applied EQ #43 - Emotional Boundaries (part 2 of 2)

In part 1 of Emotional Boundaries, we talked about the importance of emotional boundaries and some warning signs of individuals with boundary issues.  Recognizing individuals with boundary issues is necessary for project managers.  Otherwise, our efforts to be more emotional in the work environment can be risky.  Individuals with boundary issues will play the victim, expect you to act in certain ways, or create other problems for you.  In this post, we are going to talk about how to deal with those individuals with boundary issues as well as provide links for individuals seeking more information.

A key concept of emotional boundaries is that we are responsible for our own emotions and only those emotions.  It is unhealthy for us to become too concerned with the emotions of others.  This can be a fine line for project managers (and other leaders) looking to affect the emotions of those around them.  What is the difference between healthy concern and unhealthy concern for the emotions of others?  How exactly do we respect our own emotional boundaries and those of others?

1. Respond appropriately.  How we respond to the emotions of others is a key to our own emotional sanity.  While we want to use empathy to understand the feelings of others, we need to be careful not to become "hooked in" to the emotions they are experiencing.  We need to exercise our own self-control in emotional and stressful situations.  We need to chose our response carefully.  For example, if we can remain calm and steadfast when others are angry, we can help to defuse that anger.  We don't need to ramp it up and get just as angry as the other person.

2. Take Responsibility.  Our own response should include taking responsibility for our own feelings.  When I take responsibility for my own feelings, I acknowledge that they are my feelings and that I have a choice about them.  Before we can take responsibility we have to be self-aware enough to know what it is we are feeling. 
   
   This could be as simple as saying "I feel angry when you come late to the weekly status meeting".  Do you see how this is subtly different from saying "you made me angry"?  That is the difference between being responsible for our feelings and being a victim of others.  That feeling of anger is a choice that we made based on the circumstances.

3. Let Them Be.  The flip-side of our responsibility is letting others be responsible for their feelings.  We cannot control others.  Often we need to simply let them have their reaction to our words or actions.  If they are going to be angry or sad, let that happen.
   
   This can be tricky for project managers.  We want to understand the impact of our actions, emotions, and decisions on the individuals on our teams.  But we should not necessarily change just because someone is going to get angry or sad.  We need to let them have their reaction.
   
   I recall an incident a few years ago where I had a team member who thought he should be promoted to a team lead.  I remember the angst that I felt since I knew he wasn't the best person for the job.  I put off the decision because I knew he was going to be angry.  Instead of simply making the announcement and letting that person have his reaction, I tiptoed around it for nearly a month.  I lacked sufficient courage to simply let that person be, and let them have their reaction to the decision.  I was afraid of his anger.
   
   If you don't learn to let others have their reaction, you will not be going for yourself.  You will be at the mercy of other people's emotions.  You will be continually looking outside yourself and playing it safe. 

4. You cannot fix other people.  An important lesson to me with regards to emotional boundaries is that I could not fix other people.  While we want to strive to be as aware of the people on our team or in our environment, becoming aware of others is very different than fixing others.  Trying to fix other people is an exercise in futility.
   
   

   Trying to fix other people is an exercise in futility.

5. Apply the Formula.  There is a mini-formula that is often cited for working through boundary issues.  Robert Burney, though not the originator, creatively calls this a formula for emotionally honest communications.  It goes like this: 
   
   "when you do... __________" (some behavior or action),
   "I feel..._________" (an emotion, such as sad or angry)
   "because...____________" (the reason)
   "I want...______________" (here is what I want in the future). 
   
   In the abstract, this may sound somewhat, well, formulaic.  Let's look at how you might apply this in the project environment.  Consider a situation when you have someone on your team doing something which makes you angry.  I had one like this once; several team leads who reported to me would drink alcohol at lunch and then return to work on the project.  Here is one way I could have handled the situation.
   
   "Tim, when you drink at lunch, I feel angry because I think it affects your performance and lowers the standards for our entire team.  I want you to drink responsibly and not come to work under the influence of alcohol." 

6. Seek Professional Help.  If you are struggling to deal with individuals on your team who have boundary issues, you might benefit from professional help.  A trained therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist might help you to prepare better for dealing with those people. 

The books published on emotional intelligence are surprisingly thin when it comes to emotional boundaries.  If you are interested in learning more, you may need to look to the Internet.   Here are some additional resources I have found on emotional boundaries.

1. This post from SHEblog.net was interesting.  Heck, just the idea of a SHE blog is interesting.  Based on the post frequency, this weblog may now be defunct.  Anyway, there is a post about emotional boundaries written by Roger Cavnaugh. 
2. For an in depth discussion of emotional boundaries, review this post from Sanctuary for the Abused.  Just a warning that the site plays some of the most loud and annoying music imaginable so you might want to turn down the volume prior to clicking. 
   
3. Try this group of articles on personal boundaries from grief therapist and author, Robert Burney, referenced above; be sure to scroll down to find the appropriate section.
4. This post from Patience Mason meanders a bit but has some helpful information on understanding boundaries.
5. Another resource for dealing with all categories of difficult people is the book Coping with Toxic Managers, Subordinates ...And Other Difficult People: Using Emotional Intelligence to Survive and Prosper, by Roy H. Lubit.

More Empathetic Listening

I found an interesting article on Empathetic Listening from a company called Adaptation Software.  The thing that interested me most about it was the fact that it was found in the same are that the company is touting XP, Test-Driven Development, and other Agile Software Development methods.  The article itself is called Empathetic Listening in Software Development Groups.

Empathetic listening in SW developers?  Now that is an interesting concept.  I guess I set my sights low when I wanted empathetic project managers. 

Applied EQ #42 - Emotional Boundaries (Part 1 of 2)

An important aspect of Social Awareness for project managers is the concept of emotional boundaries.  What is an emotional boundary?  An emotional boundary is where one person's emotions leave off and anther's begin.  Think about the following quote for a moment:

"Good fences make good neighbors."

It is pretty easy for us to understand the concept of a physical boundary like a fence.  What about boundaries that are less visible?  For example, how close can you comfortably stand next to another person?  Three feet apart?  Two feet apart?  What about in an elevator?  What about in an elevator that is really crowded?  Have you ever noticed how people in a crowded elevator will continually try to adjust their position so that they maximize their own personal space?  They will automatically move apart from each other as the elevator clears out.

Emotional boundaries are even more difficult to discern, and that makes them harder to navigate.  We previously discussed empathy and the need for project managers to be able to recognize and feel the emotions of others.  However, empathy does not mean we should take on the emotions of others.  As project managers, we need to recognize that we are separate and distinct from others.  We need to be responsible for our own emotions and let others be responsible for theirs.

How do you know when there are issues with emotional boundaries?  Have you ever heard anyone say that they "were in a good mood until you ruined it"?  They are implying that their mood was affected by you.  Or consider a situation where you are in a meeting and someone gathers their stuff and walks out abruptly.  Have you ever looked around at the others in the room and said, "was that me or was that him?". 

Here are some warning signs of individuals with emotional boundary issues:

1. Moods & Feelings - Individuals may take on the moods and feelings of others.  This is different than empathy which is the ability to understand the moods and feelings of others.  Individuals with boundary issues will become more vested in the moods and feelings of others and lose themselves.  As my mentor Rich says, they need to "take someone else's temperature to see how they are feeling".  They may also become so bothered by the moods and feelings of others that they try to "fix" the other so that they can feel better.
   
2. Pleasing Others - Those with boundary issues will sacrifice themselves to please others.  This could mean forgoing their choices or needs or it could become victim-like (see next item). 
   
   As an example, consider when you have a small group going out to lunch or making some other group choice.  Some individuals will go along with a choice they did not want (and may even hate) just to fit in and please others.
   
3. Victim-like Behavior - Pleasing others can be taken to the extreme of becoming a victim.  Individuals with boundary issues often find that to please others they feel that they cannot say no.  They end up feeling victimized by others.  The reality is that they allow others to take advantage of them.
   
4. Cannot Express Wants and Needs - Though they cannot (or will not) express what they want and need, they believe others should anticipate those unstated wants and needs and fulfill them. 

In our next post, we will look at some ways of developing or improving our emotional boundaries as well as resources for more information on emotional boundaries.

Applied EQ #35: Empathetic Listening

In our last post we introduced Empathy for project managers.  Empathy is one of the competencies of Social Awareness.  Empathy includes:

The ability to read the spoken and unspoken thoughts and feelings of others

The appreciation of those thoughts and feelings and why others have them

The capacity to respect & value people from diverse backgrounds and cultures

One of the key applications of empathy is empathetic listening.  What is empathetic listening?  Empathetic listening is a way of listening without judgment.  Empathic listening is when we 1) focus on the words and behavior of another, 2) without judgment and 3) periodically summarizing what they think, feel, and need in the moment.  That seems like a pretty tall order and one that requires a little more explanation.

Empathetic listening is considerably different than just plain old listening.  Many of us listen half-heartedly, attempt to multi-task, or view listening as a pause which allows us to gather our thoughts before we can continue with our own monologue.  We might consider that pathetic listening.

Empathetic listening is when we give ourselves over to the other person and listen with their best interest in mind.  Project managers that master empathetic listening benefit by:

1. Making the speaker feel valued and important.
2. Improving the depth of the communication.
3. Understanding the underlying emotions, which adds richness to the conversation.
4. Building trust and the relationship with the other.

So what do we do as project managers to get better at empathetic listening?  Consider applying the following techniques to enhance your empathetic listening skills:

1. Let them speak - When we listen empathetically, we simply let the other person speak.  We avoid "helping" the speaker by providing verbal, or nonverbal clues, or by finishing sentences.  When we jump in and help others with what they are trying to say, we unintentionally inject our own agenda.  We may unknowingly "steer" the speaker toward what we want or expect them to say instead of simply letting them take the conversation where it needs to go. 
   
   
2. Maintain eye contact - When we are listening empathetically, we should maintain eye contact with the speaker.  This provides the speaker the space to say what they need to say.  Note that this doesn't mean we should be staring them down or boring in with our best "Dirty Harry" scowl.  It does mean looking at the speaker with a neutral expression, providing minimal feedback, and breaking eye contact periodically if it becomes uncomfortable.
   
   
3. Give the speaker your full attention - As PMs, we often are trying to accomplish several things at once.  In our efforts to be productive, we might be trying to multi-task while we are listening.  Empathetic listening is a single thread activity.  It doesn't work to try and multi-task.
   
   You probably know how it feels to have someone multi-task while listening.  Have you ever been talking to someone at their office and find that as they are listening to you they are reading their PC screen?  Or looking over your shoulder to see someone else?  Have you ever been speaking to someone when their cell phone rang and they immediately turned away from you to see who was calling?  This kind of behavior shows that the speaker is not valued.  It feels dismissive.
   
   
4. Playback and Summarize - When we listen empathetically, we should periodically repeat back what we heard to make sure that we understand what was being said.  This provides the speaker an opportunity to restate or clarify anything that was misunderstood.
   
   As an example, consider a team member who comes to you with a concern.  They tell you that they are hurt by the actions of Bob, their co-worker.  You might say "let me see if I have this straight, you feel dismissed by Bob when he doesn't say positive things about your contribution to the deliverable".  In this way, they have the opportunity to either agree or clarify the concern.
   
   
5. Orient to Emotions - Empathetic listening involves interpreting the thoughts and feelings of another.  In addition to playing back what we hear and summarizing it, we should also add feeling words to what we say.  "That sounds frustrating", or "you seem angry" might be appropriate to the team member in the previous example. 
   
   
6. Try on Their Shoes - Trying on someone shoes requires us to imagine ourselves in their situation as we listen.  We need to do this in a compassionate way and not come at it from a superior, "boy are you screwed" point of view.  We need to be thinking, what would it be like to be that person right now?  What would I be feeling in that situation?  This sounds more difficult then it really is, we just need to use our imagination. 
   
   
7. Suspend our Agenda - Empathetic listening requires us to suspend our own judgments, needs, and priorities and focus on the other person.  This is a skill that requires some practice.  Listening without regard for our own agenda is very generous and self-less. 
   

What we do with what we heard during our empathetic listening is also important.  I personally find it easy to jump in and problem-solve or to use this as an opportunity to apply my own autobiography on others by telling them how I solved the same problem.  The temptation is to simply tell them to be like me and solve it the way I did.  It doesn't work with my wife and it doesn't work in the project environment.  This is not terribly empathetic or effective. 

A more effective approach is to simply say, "that sounds tough", "how can I help?" or "what support do you need from me right now?"  This puts the focus on the speaker where it belongs.   Many times you will find that the speaker is not asking for us to solve the problem.  They may realize during the course of the discussion what they need to do next.  They often don't need (or want) us to do anything - they simply needed to be heard.  If we proceed to tell them what to do to solve the problem when they simply want to be heard, we risk alienating them.  They will probably come away thinking that we are superior, uncaring, or unsupportive.  In addition, we take on the work of that person instead of empowering them to solve their own problems. 

One of the best and most memorable comments I received from a team member was a few years ago.  This guy had worked for me for about 6 months when he said this.  "You always ask me what you can do to support me" he said.  I wish I were more consistent with this behavior frankly.

Applied EQ #34: Empathy for Project Managers vs. Just Do It

The last few posts have been about Social Awareness and how that relates to project management.  Social Awareness includes several competencies; the first we will explore is Empathy.  Empathy is one of the most important parts of Social Awareness and perhaps one of the most critical people skills for project managers.  Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to others.  Empathy helps us to walk in the shoes of another or to see things from another’s point of view.  Over the next few posts we are going to explore the following facets of empathy and how they play out in the project environment:

• Ability to read the spoken and unspoken thoughts and feelings of others
• Ability to appreciate the thoughts and feelings of others and why they have them
• Capacity to respect & value people from diverse backgrounds and cultures

Empathy is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination.  Most people have probably heard the following quote:

"Don’t criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes."

Or the twisted adaptation of that idea as reflected in this quote:

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." – Unknown

That second quote is only funny because it highlights one of the biggest challenges to empathy; our self-centeredness.  We are selfish, self-absorbed, self-obsessed and self-interested. More on that in a moment.

The importance of empathy was explained very well in Stephen Covey’s 1989 book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey's fifth habit was all about empathy:  Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Embedded in that phrase is the simple wisdom of orienting first to the other person.  A great deal of conflict that we experience on projects could be reduced or eliminated if we simply tried first to understand the other person's point of view before we tried to convince them with our own message.  We need to listen to them with the purpose of understanding what it was they were trying to say.

Seeking first to understand is a simple premise, but often difficult to execute.  Granted, many project managers excel at empathy.  But for the rest of us, empathy can be difficult.  Why do we find empathy difficult as project managers?  Here are some possible reasons:

1. Self-Orientation - As noted above, as humans we are selfish and self-oriented.  It is unnatural to think of others first.  Further, we are anxious to impose our worldview on others.  We expect others to think like us and act like us.  After all, ours is the correct way.  Covey called this our own "rightness" and putting our "autobiography" on others. 
   
   A good example is when as parents we are talking with our children and we say things that start with, "When I was a kid...".  Don’t think this only applies to our child-rearing though, we do the same thing to our teams.  Our feedback and coaching is often based on what worked for us.
   
   
2. Results First - As Project Managers, we are focused on getting the results and achieving the end goals of the project.  The Nike slogan "Just Do It" was likely created by a project manager.  (Perhaps the PM would have enhanced it to say "Just Do It Now!").  Investing time in others can be seen as in direct conflict with the need and urgency to complete the work on the project. 
   
   One way to overcome this thinking is to view the development of others (the project team, our peers, and our leaders) as one of the goals of the project.  In his book, The One Thing You Need to Know, Marcus Buckingham talks about switching from a view of getting work done through people to getting people done through work.  This turn of phrase is both cute and powerful.  He suggests that the work (the project in our case) can be viewed as the vehicle for people to learn and grow.  I think he is right on target.  People learn best by doing and the project is a great environment for that learning.
   
   Paradoxically, the approach of viewing the development of the the team as a goal will often speed the achievement of the other project goals.  Rather than taking away from the work on the project, it provides energy, inspires people, and builds the capacity to do more.
   
   
3. Tough Stuff - Empathy requires communicating in ways that are hard.  For example, many of us never developed effective listening skills.  We often approach conversation as simply taking turns talking.  Listening for most of us is being poised, waiting for the other person to take a breath.  Then we quickly jump in, like a Chicago driver trying to change lanes on a busy highway.  We are often less invested in listening to others than we are about getting our own point across.
   
   
4. We are Smarter - As the PM, we are the smarter than everyone else or at least the rest of the project team, right?  Otherwise, why would the project sponsor put us in charge?  Because we are smarter, everyone else should hear what we have to say and do things the way we want things done. 
   
   Obviously I am kidding to make a point.  To the extent we buy into that or act like that, we are not being empathetic.

These are probably only a few of the reasons that empathy is so hard for project managers.  We are going to explore empathy further over the next few posts and then turn our attention to ways we can overcome these difficulties and get better at empathy.