EQ4PM

I'll Give You Something To Cry About and Other Emotional BS

It's a wonder we are as emotionally healthy as we are when you consider that the primary way that most of us learned about emotions was from our parents.  Some of the things our parents taught us about emotions or modeled for us were just plain wrong and unhealthy.  While I think my own case was perhaps extreme, I have talked to enough people to believe that MOST of our parents unwittingly taught us things that were worthless and in some cases counter to what would be healthy.  Just like the rule about waiting an hour after you eat before swimming, our parents simply taught us what they thought was right.  Or they modeled what they had learned from their parents.

Here is a list of some of the things I heard growing up as well as some things that others have told me they heard. 

Common Parental Messages about Emotions

Sadness

• I'll give you something to cry about
• There is no crying in baseball
• Don't cry, everything is going to be OK
• Big boys don't cry
• Don't be sad, everything is going to be OK
• Stop it you big crybaby

Self-Confidence

• Don't brag
• Don't be too cocky
• Who died and put you in charge?

Fear

• You better be scared!
• I'll give you something to be scared about
• I am going to send you to a juvenile home / call the police
• If you don't do this, I am going to beat you!
• Come on, don't be a scaredy cat.

Happy / Excited

• Why are you all happy?
• Calm down / quiet down / quiet down right now or else
• Take it easy

Anger

• Don't get angry
• Don't let anyone get to you
• Don't let them get your goat

Expressing Emotions

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don't say that or you will upset your father/mother

So learning about emotional intelligence often starts with unlearning what we were taught, and breaking unhealthy bad habits.  It is not easy work.  Sometimes these patterns and reactions are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even recognize them.  In their book Promoting Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler contrast emotional with cognitive learning and the challenges of emotional learning.

"Emotional incompetence often stems from habits learned early in life.  These automatic habits are set in place as a normal part of living, as experience shapes the brain...When habits are strong, the underlying neural connections become the brain's default option- what a person does automatically and spontaneously often with little or no awareness that a menu of possible responses is available."
-Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler 

The only way to break these patterns and improve our emotional intelligence is with the help of someone else; a friend, spouse, classmate or coach.  I learned through a mentor and a group of 10 men and women that I met with every week for four and a half years!  Though I consider my case an extreme one, we all need feedback to see that we are acting in unhealthy ways and support to make the necessary changes.

I'd love to hear what you think.  What did you learn from your parents?  What are you teaching and modelling for your children?

Cheers!

Anthony

Now Available - The Emotional Intelligence Monthly Newsletter for PMs

About six months ago, I quietly launched the EQ Monthly Newsletter for Project Managers. The newsletter is published on the first of every month and contains news and tips to help project managers understand, develop, and apply their emotional intelligence. 

In the March 2008 monthly newsletter, I wrote about what makes project managers successful based on the research conducted by Ralf Mueller and J. Rodney Turner.  As you may recall from my posts here, Mueller and Turner are the authors of "Choosing Appropriate Project Managers", a book that details PMI-sponsored research into what makes project managers successful.  I have based my newest workhop (Leading Teams with Emotional Intelligence) on that research from Mueller and Turner as well as other emotional intelligence and leadership research by Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs.

You can always read the most recent month's newsletter on-line at: Last Month's Newsletter.  You can join the mailing list for the newsletter by hitting the submit button below. 

Sign Up Today!



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Cheers!

Anthony

PS:  I am delighted to see that Elizabeth Harrin of A Girls Guide to Managing Projects has posted a very positive review of my book on her very popular blog.  I always liked her writing but after reading her review of my book, I think she is absolutely brilliant!  Please check out her blog and see if you agree.

Update - The BETA Online EQ Assessment For Project Managers

I have recently closed the BETA testing of the on-line EQ assessment for project managers.  If you participated in the beta test of the assessment, thank you again!  You should have received instructions for accessing the feedback.  Email me if you did not receive those instructions.

If you did not test drive the on-line assessment but would like to get the results, please feel free to email me at EQ4PM@ProjectAdvisorsGroup.com and I will send those to you.

The next steps for this assessment include:

• Revise the assessment based on your feedback.
• Conduct cognitive interviews of the items in the assessment.  (If you'd like
  to get involved, please let me know!)
• Revise assessment based on the interviews.
• Pilot again (likely)
• Launch assessment.

Cheers!

Anthony

People Hate Their Jobs?

I read a post over at Ellen Weber's Brain Based Business blog that made me sad.  The post was called Top 10 Reasons People Hate Work.  It talks about some of the challenges that people face at work, like relationship problems, lack of problem resolution and goal achievement, negative and verbally abusive people, and stress.

I don't take exception to any of these problems.  Nor do I believe that these types of work environments don't exist because they certainly do.  What makes me sad is that people continue to work in these types of environments or in environments that they hate.  That is depressing.  That sounds like poor choices, victim-hood, or self-abuse.  Why would people do that to themselves?  It is a choice, after all.

Ellen closed her post with a challenge: What other reasons do people give for hating their work – that you could suggest a strategy to solve?

In the spirit of the current presidential debates, I am not going to answer the question that Ellen asked.  I don't want to think about other reasons that people give for hating their jobs.  I think it gets us to focus on the negative. 

Instead, I would suggest that we re-frame the question by moving from victim-hood and self-abuse to responsibility.  Here are some questions we can use to shift the focus from victim-hood to responsibility:

• How am I contributing to the current situation at work?
• What can I do differently to make a positive impact?
• How can I manage my emotions to stay positive in a negative or toxic environment?
• How can I change the tone or mood at work?

The key to moving away from victim-hood is to focus on the positive steps that we can take.  These may include personal stress management, cutting back on work hours, and avoiding or confronting negative and verbally abusive people.  We can also seek help from our manager, the HR department, or even reach out to co-workers who want to stay positive and healthy.

As a last step, consider a job change.  If you have done what you can to stay positive, manage yourself, and change your work environment, then you should seriously consider changing companies or jobs.  Why would you want to work at a place or job that you hate?  Doing so says a lot more about you than those you work with.  And if you are attracted to that environment or choose to stay even when you hate it, it would lead me to believe you were part of the problem.

Start the Year Off with a BHAG!

Last year I wrote about the hedghog principle and setting big, hairy, audacious goals (BHAGs) to motivate us to take on and accomplish great things.  I have been thinking a lot about goal setting and BHAGs this last year as well as the ways to succeed with them.  Since this is a time of year that many of us set goals, I thought it would be good to share with you some tips for applying BHAGs to our goals and use those BHAGs to motivate us to achieve great things.

I am a big believer in goal setting in general and the use of BHAGs in particular.  I used BHAGs to qualify and run the Boston Marathon, to write my book and get it published, and to pursue becoming a world class professional speaker.

My tips for applying BHAGs to your goals are in the January 2008 edition of the Monthly EQ Newsletter for Project Managers.  Download the PDF file of the Monthly Newsletter Here.  You can also sign up to get your own copy of the EQ Monthly Newsletter on my corporate website.

I would love to hear about your reactions to the tips, the BHAGs you set for yourself, and your success stories throughout this year.

Cheers!

Anthony

New Emotional Intelligence Workshop for Project Managers

I am excited to announce a new workshop coming out in April.  I am going to be partnering with the PMI Chicagoland to provide a two-day workshop titled, Leading Teams with Emotional Intelligence.  This workshop will be based in part on the research conducted by Ralf Mueller and J. Rodney Turner on those emotional intelligence competencies that make project managers successful.

You can get more information about the upcoming workshop at the following link:

http://www.pmi-chicagoland.org/prof_dev/

Have a great New Years Holiday!

Anthony Mersino

Take Your Own EQ Assessment - New and Improved for Project Managers

I few months back, I posted information about a free online EQ assessment.  The good news is that since that time, I have been working on a more robust version.  This version has been designed specifically for project managers.  It uses the Emotional Intelligence Framework for Project managers.  And best of all, this new robust assessment is available, just in time for Christmas.  Actually we are in pre-test but this assessment should be ready for primetime in just a few weeks.

If you would like to participate in the pre-test of this online assessment, you can follow the link below to the pilot version of the survey.   I am just working the bugs out now, so detailed reporting is not going to be available right away.  Still, I'd really appreciate your feedback on the assessment, the questions, length of time it takes to complete it, and anything else you would like to comment on.  There is a place for comments at the bottom of each page for this purpose.

I hope to complete the pre-tests by mid-January then begin collection of data and validation through mid-March.

Please use this link to take the online assessment of Emotional Intelligence in Project Managers:  http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=0wmSPNIkMMhSty1WT2DDmA_3d_3d

Merry Christmas!

Anthony Mersino

10 Emotional Intelligence Tips to Survive and Thrive This Month

In my December Monthly EQ Newsletter for Project Managers, I identified 10 tips for surviving the month and the holidays.  I've received so much feedback about these tips that I am going to share them with you as well.  If you would like to get the monthly newsletter, please sign up at the Project Advisors Group home page.

December can be a really tough emotional intelligence month.  It may be a happy time but it may also be a sad and lonely time due to some of the unique challenges this month brings:

• Work - There may be major challenges to working during this month including blackout dates, weather and travel problems, and numerous people out of the office for vacations and illnesses.  For those of us trying to accomplish project work, December can be a trying month.
• Holidays - The demands of the holidays include last minute gift buying, home decorating, attending events and parties, and hosting parties all of which can be extremely stressful.
• Family - There's nothing like family to bring out the best and worst in us.  Your relatives know your vulnerabilities and are adept at pushing your buttons.  And blended families have their added stresses during the holidays.

How can we take responsibility for our emotional well being during this challenging time?  I've written these ten tips and immediate action steps to help you take charge of your emotional well-being so that you not only survive but thrive during this month and the holiday season.

Ten Tips for Emotional Responsibility This Month

Tip #1 - Be emotionally aware. 

Strive to be as aware as possible of your feelings.  This may be obvious if we are exploding with anger or jumping with joy.  But we also need to pay attention to a dull ache in our stomach, a looming sense of dread, or a negative cloud around people or events.  Don't ignore or numb out from your feelings.

Do Now:  Take action to protect yourself during this season.  A helpful reminder of common emotional hot buttons is the HALT acronym.  HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  When we are feeling any of those things, we are extremely vulnerable emotionally.  We can easily go off on someone or have an emotional breakdown.  Try to recognize when you are vulnerable and take steps to remedy the situation. 

Tip #2 - Drink with care. 

Alcohol can serve to numb or detach you from your emotions and hence is the reason many people use (and abuse) it.  Detaching from emotions is not a success strategy!  Better to use your awareness of emotions to figure out what they are trying to tell you.  And be especially careful about drinking at the company holiday party!  Don't finish the year on a down note by overindulging with those you work with.

Tip #3 - Plan Ahead.

Make plans to do the things you want to do or get together with people you want.  Don't wait for things to happen to you or react to the invitations of others, make plans to do the things that you find nurturing.

Do Now:  Get out the calendar now and block out the time for the activities and events that you want to do and that you find nourishing.  Be prepared to say no to invitations that don't nourish you; you aren't obligated to attend any events you don't want to attend.

Tip #4 - Work Ahead.

There is often a lot to be done around the holidays.  We have to prepare for parties, buy gifts, run errands, and attend events.  If you tend to procrastinate, choose to do it differently this year.  Get in front of the curve with your gift buying.  Make a list of who you need to buy for and tackle it early on.  Shop online to make it even easier.  A closet full of wrapped and labeled gifts will leave you feeling more peaceful and happy and help you to give to others with a cheerful heart, instead of a resentful one.  It truly is better to give than receive especially when you are out in front of it.

Do Now:  Buy an extra gift or two and keep them aside in case there is someone you forgot.  (I recommend you make it something you will like in case you don't have to give it away!). 

Tip #5 - Prepare Yourself. 

It helps to prepare yourself for the likely emotional moments you may experience during the holidays.  For example, you may already have a pretty good idea if you are likely to bump into your ex-spouse, your lecherous Uncle Jim, or your arch-enemy.  I don't suggest you put on a happy face or a mask when you see them, but prepare yourself mentally so you are not surprised or caught off guard.

Do Now:  If you anticipate conflict with a specific person, role play it ahead of time with your spouse or a friend.  Choose and practice an ideal or graceful response to that person well before you run into them.  By role-playing in advance, you'll increase the likelihood of responding to that person in a way that will make you feel good.

Tip #6 - Be in Community. 

Make it a point to choose to be in community rather than be alone during this month.  Reach out, take a risk and invite others to be with you or invite yourself to join them.  Create the outcomes you want instead of being a victim to circumstances.

Do Now:  Take the time now to create a list of people that you want to connect with over the holidays and make plans or reach out to them now.

Tip #7 - Get Support. 

For some people, the holidays can be a lonely time.  This may be your first Christmas alone due to death, separation, or divorce.  Be prepared for loneliness.  Reach out for SUPPORT as you need it throughout the holidays. 

Do Now:  Make a list of the people you will reach out to for support.  Call now and let them know that you might be calling them over the holidays.

Tip #8 - Nurture Yourself. 

Don't forget to take care of yourself and do the things that help you to stay balanced.  For some, taking care of yourself could be exercising, sleeping in, attending a play or going to the movies.

Do Now:  I encourage you to take some time off work for the holidays.  Though this may be a slow time or a time to get something done at work while others are away, this may not be as nurturing for you as staying home and enjoying time with friends and family.

Tip #9 - Exercise. 

Exercising has benefits on many levels.  The endorphins that come from exercise stay with us throughout the day.  We have more energy and stamina when we exercise.  Exercising will also help you to feel less guilty if you overeat during the holidays.

Do Now:  If you have an exercise routine, stick with it during this busy season.  If you have stopped exercising, re-restart now instead of waiting until for January and an additional five or ten pounds.  If possible, exercise outdoors.  While December can be a cold winter month for many people, exercising outdoors during daylight hours will help you to fight depression.  Even a short walk with a friend will go a long way toward lifting your mood.  Dress for the weather (and in layers) so that you are comfortable as you walk.

Tip #10 - Reflect. 

The end of the year can be a great time to boost your spirits by reflecting on your successes for the year.  Make some notes on those things that you are most proud of.  Don't indulge yourself in thinking about negative things that happened during the year.

Do Now:  Consider sending a handwritten note to those people who contributed to your success.

I encourage you to take action now on as many of these tips as possible to set yourself up for a great month.  By thinking ahead and working ahead, we can make this month the best in the year.  Try it and let me know what you think!

Anthony Mersino

You Can Join the Research Team

I have talked quite a bit in this blog about PMI's research into what makes project managers effective and several times have mentioned the book, Choosing Appropriate Project Managers.  Dr. Ralf Müller is one of the co-authors of that book and he has asked me for some help with his ongoing research into project management leadership competencies.  I'd like to invite you to join Dr. Müller with this important work.

Dr. Müller has a short opinion survey on the 15 leadership competencies and how they relate to project complexity.  He would be most appreciative if you would take the time to complete the following survey and email it back to him.  Here is the survey:  Questions_on_Project Complexity.doc, and here is Dr. Müller's email address:  ralf.mueller@usbe.umu.se.

Thank you,

Anthony Mersino

PS:  I am speaking on emotional intelligence and project management at the PMI Chicagoland Chapter next Wednesday, December 12.  The presentation is titled, "Smart People Dumb Mistakes".  Capacity is limited so reserve your seat now at:  http://www.pmi-chicagoland.org/news_events/presentations_2007-2008/2007_dec_chapter_mtg.php

What Makes Project Managers Successful - Part 3

I have posted a few times about the book by J. Rodney Turner and Ralf Mueller called, Choosing Appropriate Project Managers.  The book details the research conducted by Turner and Mueller on 400 different projects; some that succeeded and some that failed.  The study looked at the competencies of the project managers and specifically those competencies that were related to project success or failure.

The book is packed with information and it has taken me some time (and some help from Mueller) to unpack it and understand how to apply it.   The first part of my analysis was figuring out which competencies led to success for each type of project.  This was complicated somewhat by the depth of the analysis.  You could keep it simple by just looking at the type of project studied, such as Information Technology, Engineering, or Organizational Change.  You could further fine tine the requirements by including some of the other project attributes such as project complexity, importance, and contract type. 

The chart below is what it would look like if you kept it simple, based only on type of project.  For each type of project, you are more likely to succeed if you have the competencies shown in the chart.

Type of Project	PM Competencies
Information Technology	·       Self-Awareness ·       Communication ·       Developing
Engineering	·       Conscientiousness ·       Sensitivity
Organizational	·       Motivation ·       Communication

If you wanted to fine tune the analysis using the project attributes, it would look like the chart below (or click here to download the PDF).  To use the chart, start with the type of project and select those attributes.  Then, add any additional competencies for the project complexity, importance, and contract type.

Ralf Mueller was kind enough to send me an email with an explanation of how to interpret the charts in the book.  The example Ralf Mueller explained to me was for an IT project with medium complexity, of renewal type, and using fixed price.  Here is what he wrote:

"If your project has the following attributes: IT project, medium complexity, renewal, fixed price, then the following competencies correlate with success:
• self-awareness, communications, and developing (Table 6-1 IT)
• emotional resilience, communication (Table 6-2 medium complexity)
• sensitivity, self-awareness (Table 6-3 importance)
• sensitivity, self-awareness (Table 6-4 contract type FP)

So if you improve self-awareness (3 mentionings), sensitivity (2 mentionings), communications (2 mentionings) development, or emotional resilience, then you have the highest chances to improve your project results."

The biggest value of this research is in helping individuals understand what type of training would be most valuable to them or would lead them to succeed as project managers.  If you can identify the competencies most important to you, you can train on those and improve your success. 

That said, it would be helpful to project managers to know what their current competency level is for those project success factors.  While Turner and Mueller have some profiles for average project managers, you would have to use an instrument to determine your unique competency levels.

The Leadership Dimensions Questionnaire is an instrument that would help you determine your competency levels.  Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs developed the Leadership Dimensions Questionnaire and that is the instrument used by Turner and Mueller as the basis for their study of 400 projects. I will take a closer look at the LDQ in a future post.