EQ4PM

The Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired Project Manager

I have been speaking quite a bit lately about the importance of emotional intelligence and risks of making dumb mistakes due to a lack of emotional intelligence.  I call this my Smart People, Dumb Mistakes Tour and it has been underway since last fall.  The idea is that there is a difference between intelligence (or IQ) and emotional intelligence.  Even really smart or successful people are at risk of making a dumb mistake when it comes to emotions (e.g. Eliot Spitzer or Lisa Lowak). 

Project managers especially need great people skills and would do well to avoid those dumb mistakes.  One of the key concepts that I have found to resonate with PMs is the idea that we are operating in stressful environments and at risk of some type of emotional breakdown or loss of control.  Many of us are doing more with less, staying connected and "on" all the time, and feeling overwhelmed in the process.  We are surrounded by people and situations that push our buttons and threaten to push us over the edge.

The best project managers tend to stay positive and unflappable no matter what comes their way.  I am jealous of those men and women.  For my part, I have to continually strive to do better and better in this area.  

One thing that helps me is to recognize that no matter what the stimulus, I still have a choice about my behavior.  I can choose a response that leads toward my goals, or I can react emotionally.  In fact, I devoted my last monthly newsletter to the topic of, Respond Don't React.  Here is a key graphic from that newsletter.  (FYI - You can sign up for my monthly newsletters from my home page). 

The key to being able to choose a response versus just reacting emotionally is our level of emotional resilience.  At a recent speaking event, a participant reminded me of a short and simple acronym for helping us gauge our level of emotional resilience.  It is the acronym HALT. 

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.  Those four serve as a gauge of our level of emotional resilience.  Whenever you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, your resilience is low and you are at risk of having a negative reaction or emotional breakdown.  You are less likely to make good choices about your responses to stimulus.

The key thing that HALT tells me is that I am at risk.  It is a quick test.  And those HALT items are pretty common indicators for most people.  If you wanted to elaborate, you could come up with additional things that might set you up for a breakdown.  This is a list that my audiences have given me:

• Illness and Fatigue
• Criticism
• Lack of Exercise
• Failing to reach my Goals
• Feeling Overwhelmed
• Always on with WIFI and my Blackberry

Here are some work situations that push my button and put me at risk for a breakdown.  See if you can recognize the HALT aspect for each of these situations:

• Working Late - When I am working long hours on a project. I am working late at the office and everyone else has gone home.  I am likely to be feeling lonely and tired,  I might also be hungry, and could easily be resentful and angry about all of it.
• Long Term Conflict - When I work in an environment where people don't like each other and are constantly fighting, it is stressful.  It is easy for me to feel angry and tired.  I am more likely to isolate myself and therefore feel lonely.
• Business Travel -  When I am traveling for work, I frequently find myself at the mercy of the airlines; flights are delayed or cancelled, or I sit on the tarmac before taking off or after landing.  I can be hungry, angry, lonely and tired when that occurs.
• Driving to and from Work - My current commute is 1 hour and 15 minutes.  Enough said!
• Long and Contentious Meetings - I may not be hungry in a long meeting, but when there is a lot of conflict, it is easy for me to feel angry, lonely, and tired.

Once I know what in particular is likely to set me up for a failure, I can be alert and see that as a sign of risk.  I can mitigate the risk, when I recognize it, by taking immediate action to remove myself from the situation.  This might include stepping out of the building for some fresh air or going home for the day.  This could be getting something healthy to eat or going to the gymn. 

I can avoid that risk entirely by taking good care of myself well in advance of being in this condition.  This might include getting more rest, eating better, exercising, or taking time off from work.  I can meditate, pray, spend time on hobbies, or connect with family or friends.  This falls into the category of 'self-care' and it is something that many project managers could improve on.

In an ideal world, I would be kind, graceful, and compassionate with everyone I meet every day.  Until I figure out how to do that, I need to use techniques like HALT or my list of triggers to avoid and recognize when I am at risk.  I can also improve in the area of self-care with the hope that an investment in me will pay off in having more grace and compassion for others.

Thanks,

Anthony

EQ Lessons from Shigenori to Shakespeare

My friend and fellow EQ enthusiast Shigenori Takekoshi runs a successful Project Management training company in Japan.  He is teaching PMs about how to be more effective and how to leverage emotional intelligence. 

When Shigenori came to visit me last fall, ostensibly to learn about emotional intelligence for PMs from me, he taught me an important lesson about emotional intelligence.  That is the ability to separate an incident, action or circumstance from my feelings about it.  That is, he taught me that something happens, and then immediately after it I have a feeling about that something.  The feeling I have is a result of both the thing that happened as well as my interpretation of the thing that happened.

If we were to map it out, it might look like the diagram below.  Situation, interpretation, then feeling.  First we have the something that happens, the situation, circumstance, or event.  Then we have our thoughts and interpretations of that situation, which will likely be unconscious.  This is the filter through which we see the world.  Finally, we have our feelings that result from the situation and our interpretation.  The feeling may be sad, angry, scared, happy, excited or tender.

This lesson from Shigenori was very helpful to me.  It crystalized the concept in my mind.  I had been very focused up to that point on the feelings but hadn't spent as much time on the interpretation and situation. 

Feelings are still very relevant because they provide the starting point, the awareness or realization.  Every emotion highlights for us that something is going on beneath the surface and in that sense, they provide great information.  Remember that Peter Salovey said that all "emotion is information". 

The point that my friend made was to show that once we begin to separate our feelings, our interpration, and our situation, we empower ourselves to change our emotions.  Perhaps Shigenori learned this from Shakespeare's Hamlet.  Hamlet, obviously well trained in emotional intelligence, said:

"...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- Shakespeare's Hamlet

Consider the following example.  How do you feel when it rains?  Many people feel sad when it rains.  It is usually dark and rain limits our outdoor activities.  Think about how you would feel if you were a farmer with crops that need to be watered.  You might feel happy and excited.  Or if your house was in an area where wildfires were burning out of control, you might be happy to see rain.  So our feelings about the situation are affected by our interpretation and our thoughts.

By changing our interpretation of our situation, we can change our emotions.  If we feel scared or angry about something, we can explore the thoughts and interpretations and change those so that we feel happy and excited.

The challenge is that many of us are not aware of either the emotions or the thoughts and interpretations that led to those emotions.  As a result, we create unnecessary sadness, fear or anger in our lives and in the lives of those around us. 

Here is an example of something that recently happened to me.  I have been working with a training company to produce a distance learning course for emotional intelligence.  I sent the draft of the course to my contact at the company and waited patiently to hear back from him.  After a week went by, I sent a followup note asking him what he thought of the course and I also left a voicemail.  I still heard nothing back.  How do you think I was beginning to feel at that point?  Here is what it might look like if mapped out:

This particular event would fall in the category of cognitive disorder, specifically, filling in the blanks.  Faced with a particular situation (no response from my colleague), I chose to fill in the blanks with a very negative interpretation of the situation.  That led me to feel scared and sad.

Imagine my relief a few days later when I did reach my colleague and he told me that his mother-in-law had passed away and he had been out of town.  He liked my work and was excited to move forward.  I was excited!  Not that I was happy about the loss of life, but I was no longer filling in the blanks with my own interpretation of the situation.

This is just one example of a phenomenom that goes on all the time with all of us.  As I continue to learn about emotions and to get coaching and feedback from others, I see that these thoughts and interpretations of mine are more often my enemy than my friend.  They are robbing me of joy and replacing it with anger, fear, and sadness.  It is as if I have been programmed to be miserable.  Fortunately, I am learning and growing and that empowers to me make the necessary shifts in awareness.

I would love to hear your experience in this area.  Cheers!

Anthony

I'll Give You Something To Cry About and Other Emotional BS

It's a wonder we are as emotionally healthy as we are when you consider that the primary way that most of us learned about emotions was from our parents.  Some of the things our parents taught us about emotions or modeled for us were just plain wrong and unhealthy.  While I think my own case was perhaps extreme, I have talked to enough people to believe that MOST of our parents unwittingly taught us things that were worthless and in some cases counter to what would be healthy.  Just like the rule about waiting an hour after you eat before swimming, our parents simply taught us what they thought was right.  Or they modeled what they had learned from their parents.

Here is a list of some of the things I heard growing up as well as some things that others have told me they heard. 

Common Parental Messages about Emotions

Sadness

• I'll give you something to cry about
• There is no crying in baseball
• Don't cry, everything is going to be OK
• Big boys don't cry
• Don't be sad, everything is going to be OK
• Stop it you big crybaby

Self-Confidence

• Don't brag
• Don't be too cocky
• Who died and put you in charge?

Fear

• You better be scared!
• I'll give you something to be scared about
• I am going to send you to a juvenile home / call the police
• If you don't do this, I am going to beat you!
• Come on, don't be a scaredy cat.

Happy / Excited

• Why are you all happy?
• Calm down / quiet down / quiet down right now or else
• Take it easy

Anger

• Don't get angry
• Don't let anyone get to you
• Don't let them get your goat

Expressing Emotions

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don't say that or you will upset your father/mother

So learning about emotional intelligence often starts with unlearning what we were taught, and breaking unhealthy bad habits.  It is not easy work.  Sometimes these patterns and reactions are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even recognize them.  In their book Promoting Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler contrast emotional with cognitive learning and the challenges of emotional learning.

"Emotional incompetence often stems from habits learned early in life.  These automatic habits are set in place as a normal part of living, as experience shapes the brain...When habits are strong, the underlying neural connections become the brain's default option- what a person does automatically and spontaneously often with little or no awareness that a menu of possible responses is available."
-Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler 

The only way to break these patterns and improve our emotional intelligence is with the help of someone else; a friend, spouse, classmate or coach.  I learned through a mentor and a group of 10 men and women that I met with every week for four and a half years!  Though I consider my case an extreme one, we all need feedback to see that we are acting in unhealthy ways and support to make the necessary changes.

I'd love to hear what you think.  What did you learn from your parents?  What are you teaching and modelling for your children?

Cheers!

Anthony

Now Available - The Emotional Intelligence Monthly Newsletter for PMs

About six months ago, I quietly launched the EQ Monthly Newsletter for Project Managers. The newsletter is published on the first of every month and contains news and tips to help project managers understand, develop, and apply their emotional intelligence. 

In the March 2008 monthly newsletter, I wrote about what makes project managers successful based on the research conducted by Ralf Mueller and J. Rodney Turner.  As you may recall from my posts here, Mueller and Turner are the authors of "Choosing Appropriate Project Managers", a book that details PMI-sponsored research into what makes project managers successful.  I have based my newest workhop (Leading Teams with Emotional Intelligence) on that research from Mueller and Turner as well as other emotional intelligence and leadership research by Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs.

You can always read the most recent month's newsletter on-line at: Last Month's Newsletter.  You can join the mailing list for the newsletter by hitting the submit button below. 

Sign Up Today!



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Cheers!

Anthony

PS:  I am delighted to see that Elizabeth Harrin of A Girls Guide to Managing Projects has posted a very positive review of my book on her very popular blog.  I always liked her writing but after reading her review of my book, I think she is absolutely brilliant!  Please check out her blog and see if you agree.

Be Wary of Webinars

I found an interesting webinar on line called Using Emotional Intelligence in Professional Situations.  It is a quick and informative session on emotional intelligence and may be very helpful to those of you who want to learn more about the topic. 

The downside is that you have to register and then almost immediately you will get a call from Global Knowledge to discuss your training needs.  I was a bit put off by the call from Global Knowledge but have come to expect that sort of treatment when I register for "free" information.  Rarely is anything free or no strings attached. 

It reminds me a little bit of when you first arrive at the airport in Cancun Mexico and you have all these people swarming at you offering help with your luggage, assistance with transportation, and numerous "free gifts" which are invariably linked to hard-sell timeshare presentations.  Unwary travelers may get sucked in and feel compelled to respond in kind to these offers.

If you want strings-free information and resources on emotional intelligence, look no further than this site.  My emotional intelligence foundations page provides a wealth of easily digested materials on emotional intelligence and how to apply it to project management.  And you don't need to worry about me calling you up to ask you about your training needs...or selling you a timeshare.

Cheers!

Anthony

A Fresh Website Look

I am excited to announce a fresh new look for my commercial website at www.ProjectAdvisorsGroup.com.  The updated website is now more focused on serving the project management community with all the resources you need for soft skills and emotional intelligence including downloads, workshops and courses, speaking events, and of course my book.  You can also sign up for my monthly EQ Newsletter for Project Managers.

I hope you will stop by the Project Advisors Group Site and look around.  And please let me know what you think.

Cheers!  Anthony

Update - The BETA Online EQ Assessment For Project Managers

I have recently closed the BETA testing of the on-line EQ assessment for project managers.  If you participated in the beta test of the assessment, thank you again!  You should have received instructions for accessing the feedback.  Email me if you did not receive those instructions.

If you did not test drive the on-line assessment but would like to get the results, please feel free to email me at EQ4PM@ProjectAdvisorsGroup.com and I will send those to you.

The next steps for this assessment include:

• Revise the assessment based on your feedback.
• Conduct cognitive interviews of the items in the assessment.  (If you'd like
  to get involved, please let me know!)
• Revise assessment based on the interviews.
• Pilot again (likely)
• Launch assessment.

Cheers!

Anthony

New Emotional Intelligence Workshop for Project Managers

I am excited to announce a new workshop coming out in April.  I am going to be partnering with the PMI Chicagoland to provide a two-day workshop titled, Leading Teams with Emotional Intelligence.  This workshop will be based in part on the research conducted by Ralf Mueller and J. Rodney Turner on those emotional intelligence competencies that make project managers successful.

You can get more information about the upcoming workshop at the following link:

http://www.pmi-chicagoland.org/prof_dev/

Have a great New Years Holiday!

Anthony Mersino

Take Your Own EQ Assessment - New and Improved for Project Managers

I few months back, I posted information about a free online EQ assessment.  The good news is that since that time, I have been working on a more robust version.  This version has been designed specifically for project managers.  It uses the Emotional Intelligence Framework for Project managers.  And best of all, this new robust assessment is available, just in time for Christmas.  Actually we are in pre-test but this assessment should be ready for primetime in just a few weeks.

If you would like to participate in the pre-test of this online assessment, you can follow the link below to the pilot version of the survey.   I am just working the bugs out now, so detailed reporting is not going to be available right away.  Still, I'd really appreciate your feedback on the assessment, the questions, length of time it takes to complete it, and anything else you would like to comment on.  There is a place for comments at the bottom of each page for this purpose.

I hope to complete the pre-tests by mid-January then begin collection of data and validation through mid-March.

Please use this link to take the online assessment of Emotional Intelligence in Project Managers:  http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=0wmSPNIkMMhSty1WT2DDmA_3d_3d

Merry Christmas!

Anthony Mersino

Sleep in and Boost Your Emotional Intelligence at the Same Time

I have been speaking about emotional intelligence at various PMI Chapter events around the U.S. and focusing on the importance of avoiding emotional intelligence failures.  My presentation is called Smart People, Dumb Mistakes; Project Managers must be Emotionally Intelligent and it has been very well received.  Project managers are aware of the need for emotional intelligence and are interested in learning more about it.

One of the main points of the presentation is that emotional intelligence includes taking action in advance to avoid losing control of our emotions and doing something dumb.  We talk about emotional resilience and our ability to handle people and events without acting in a negative or undesirable way.

One of the ways we can strengthen our emotional resilience is actually very simple:  we can get a good nights sleep.  In a recent article in LiveScience, Charles Q. Choi talks about recent studies that link sleep deprivation to emotional chaos:

"When we're sleep deprived, it's really as if the brain is reverting to more primitive behavior, regressing in terms of the control humans normally have over their emotions, " researcher Matthew Walker, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, told LiveScience.

Walker and his colleagues had 26 healthy volunteers either get normal sleep or get sleep deprived, making them stay awake for roughly 35 hours. On the following day, the researchers scanned brain activity in volunteers using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they viewed 100 images. These started off as emotionally neutral, such as photos of spoons or baskets, but they became increasingly negative in tone over time—for instance, pictures of attacking sharks or vipers. 

"While we predicted that the emotional centers of the brain would overreact after sleep deprivation, we didn't predict they'd overreact as much as they did," Walker said. "They became more than 60 percent more reactive to negative emotional stimuli. That's a whopping increase—the emotional parts of the brain just seem to run amok."

Studies have shown that while sleep needs differ, the majority of people do not get enough sleep every night, thereby lowering their emotional resilience and overall emotional intelligence.  (For a tip on how much sleep you personally need, pay attention to the amount of sleep you get while on vacation.  More tips and information on sleep deprivation can be found here).

Ironically, one of the reasons many of us do not get enough sleep is because we feel overworked, we are striving to accomplish more, or we are trying to be more effective.   However, by working more and sacrificing sleep, we are actually worker harder and not smarter.  If we were to get the sleep that we need, every night, we might actually find that we have higher emotional resilience, we are more pleasant to be around, and we are more effective in collaborating with others to accomplish our goals.  As project managers, we need others to work with us to be effective and this seems like a step in the right direction.

There is another EQ consideration for those of us who are sleep deprived.  When we don’t get enough sleep, we lower our immunity and are more likely to get sick.  If you already feel like you are overworked and not accomplishing what you want to, getting sick will only put you further behind.

Take Action

I challenge you to take a moment now to evaluate your own sleep habits:

• How many hours of sleep do you give yourself each week? 
• How many hours do you get when you are on vacation?  (Hint:  If you haven't taken a vacation in so long that you don't remember, you probably aren't getting enough!)
• How many hours of sleep do you need to feel your best and be on top of your game?
• What stops you from going to bed earlier every night?  Is it tuning out to TV, working, or Internet surfing?  I'd wager that you stay up and distract yourself or numb out from your feelings rather than doing one thing that can contribute to your emotional well being.

I want to encourage you to try to get eight or nine hours of sleep every night for the rest of this year.  Please let me know if you feel the difference in your mood, your performance, your emotional resilience, and your relationships with others.

Merry Christmas!

Anthony