EQ4PM

Go for Personal Satisfaction, not Comfort!

This post is one of the first in a new series that I call "Soft Skills for Hard Time; How to be Your Best When the Economy is a Mess".  My goal is to get you to appreciate that your security comes from you and you can increase your security and value to the marketplace by investing in your soft skills.

Given the choice, many of us orient to comfort as a primary objective.  Our natural tendency is to try to make ourselves comfortable.  This is counter to what is actually good for us for our own growth and our own long term job security.

This post is very closely related to my previous (The Sum of All Fears = Stunted Growth).  As mentioned in that previous item, I have found that I grew the most when I pushed through my fear or put myself in tough situations.  Conversely, when I was comfortable in a job, such as at IBM, I was not learning and growing.  And more importantly, not adding as much value to my customers. 

So I have learned that for me, feelings of comfort and familiarity are not desirable, in fact, they are dangerous to my career.  That is one of the reasons that I grew to love project management so much – projects have a beginning and an end.  Even long projects will come to an end and I will need to seek out something new.

Think about what happened with Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars movie.  Was he living up to his potential on that remote planet with his Aunt and Uncle?  No; he was destined to be a star figher and a Jedi Knight.  But what did it take for him to leave his sleepy home planet and join the resistance?  He was forced to do this when his enemies killed his family and burned his home.  They had essentially burned his boats behind him leaving him little choice but to move forward, out of his comfort zone.

A parallel for me is when I left very comfortable consulting positions because I recognized that I was no longer being challenged.  I have done this three times in the last six years.  In two cases, I even left those comfortable PM consulting engagements without having another engagement lined up!  I literally left the projects without having another job.  Here is the irony - in both of these cases, the very next opportunity I landed were the best two opportunities of my career.  These two projects remain the highlights of my career and my resume.  If I hadn’t quit the comfortable jobs, I would not have landed either of these great projects.  This was essentially burning my boats behind me – quitting these jobs without having an alternative.

The choice is obvious then if you want to grow as a project manager and a leader and to become more valuable to your employer and customers.  You need to stop seeking comfort.  You may even need to push yourself out of your comfort zone even to the point where you are burning your boats boats behind you (though stopping short of killing your family of course).

What is it you are most afraid of losing right now?  Do you have a comfortable management position with a safe and stable company?  I have come to believe that our security comes from our capabilities and our resume, not from our employers or our stock accounts.  Your comfortable position with a large stable company may actually put you more at risk than those of us who are uncomfortable on a daily basis on our consulting engagements.

You may have heard of the list of 100 Lessons Learned for Project Managers that was written by Jerry Madden, former Flight Director of the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center.  In his list of 100 lessons, Madden makes the following point about comfortable project managers:

“A comfortable project manager is one waiting for his next assignment or one on the verge of failure. Security is not normal to project management.”

Instead of seeking comfort, we should seek our own satisfaction.  In every situation, we should be monitoring our own level of satisfaction and using that as an internal gauge for whether we are doing the right thing.  My mentor Rich Blue calls this going for our 100% satisfaction.  If you seek to get 100% satisfaction out of every meeting, presentation, project assignment, and workshop, you won’t have to worry about feeling comfortable.  Being satisfied is a higher value than being comfortable. 

Action Steps:

1. Evaluate, on a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable you are in your current position?  Is your comfort justified?  What is the cost?
2. On that same scale, what is your level of satisfaction with your current job?
3. What are the boats that you need to burn?  What is it that you have that keeps you from going for more? 

Cheers!

Anthony

Go Ahead, Make Me Laugh

I have to say that I really appreciate my current boss.  And some of my key team members.  You know why?  They make me laugh.

The ability to make others laugh is a rare and valuable commodity.  I have never been more appreciative of this than lately in the zaniness of the real estate and stock market meltdowns and the crumbling of venerable financial institutions.  Someone who can see humor in the situation or create fun when others are getting tense provides sustaining value and a welcome relief. 

I talked about the importance of appropriate humor as a way to manage our emotions in my book.  It is a great way to reduce your stress levels which is a key to emotional self-management.  It is also helpful for building relationships with others when you show that you don't take yourself too seriously and are able to laugh along with others.  So it helps with relationship management as well.  Both self-management and relationship management are key competencies in the EQ framework for project management.

Do you encourage humor on your projects?  Have you enrolled someone on your project team to be responsible for humor?  Do you have someone in charge of making other laugh?  Have you made it part of their job description?  Perhaps you should think about it. 

On the flip side, do you have people on your team who cannot laugh?  Do you have people that think it would be best to eliminate humor from the workplace?  I had someone like this recently and I realized just how poisonous that one individual was to my entire team.  This particular individual's fear and anger prevented them from being able to laugh and in the process, they impacted the entire team.  Lack of sense of humor is not something you can fire someone for but perhaps you can find ways to get that person on board someone else’s team (hopefully a competitor).  Either way, it's best if you can prevent people like this from killing the spirit of fun and enjoyment of everyone else on the team.

I think this is important enough for me to make part of the screening process for new hires or when I am staffing up a new team.  That is, I need to figure out if the candidate has a sense of humor.  I need this attribute in the members of the team.  Don't get me wrong - I need people who are dead serious about their work and the success of the project or program.  And they also need the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously.

Happy holidays!

Anthony

Fear, Procrastination, and Failure

I had a reaction to something I read on Seth Godin’s blog regarding fear.  (BTW, it’s great to see Seth writing anything about emotions!)  In his post set the agenda by showing up first, Seth wrote about the importance of acting early and how our fear can impact that. 

What I keyed in on was the relationship between fear, our behavior when we are scared, and how that can lead to failure.  Fear can keep us from acting early; it can also cause us to procrastinate, wait till the last moment, or not act at all.  Our fear of failing can actually cause us to do just that. 

I saw this quite clearly recently in my own behavior.  I had an important interview to land a long term consulting engagement.  I was excited about the opportunity and frankly, I wanted the position.  But I was scared.  And unfortunately for me, I was not aware enough at the time (i.e. self-aware) to appreciate how afraid I was. 

My fear was not so much about the opportunity as about the interview.  I was so excited about the engagement that I was afraid I would blow it, or that somehow my GREAT DESIRE for this opportunity would be apparent. 

So what did I do?  Well, I let my fear nearly cause the exact thing I was worried about.  I procrastinated, I stalled, and didn’t get ready on time.  I left my house late.  And I arrived 15 minutes late for the interview.  My fear of blowing it caused me to stall and arrive late, which nearly cost me the position. 

The lesson here is that we need to pay attention to our fear and not let it shut us down or sabotage us.  I’m more in touch with my fear than I have been over the course of my life.  But I still recognize that there are situations where I go unconscious and let my fear shut me down. 

What I need is to do a better job of catching myself when I am afraid.  Sometimes simply naming the fear is enough to take the energy out.  It also helps me to determine what my fear is telling me.  In the case of the interview, it was telling me that it was important to me.  Using the fear as information is the essence of emotional self-management.

In this economic climate, we each need to be playing at the top of our game.  We need to see all the opportunities that exist.  We need to recognize when we are afraid and determine what our fear is trying to tell us.  Our fear may be trying to tell us that we are making a mistake or that we don’t have enough information.

The good news is that I am making some progress.  Two weeks ago I recognized that there was another opportunity with this same client to help two other projects that were in trouble.  It was scary to do so; frankly I was much more comfortable staying in my current role of managing one large program.  But I’ve come to appreciate that recovery of failing projects is the area where I do my best work.  And here were two that were in trouble.  So I pushed through my fear and offered to help these projects.  Yes it was scary, but so is unemployment!

I’d love to hear your stories about how fear has impacted you and your decisions.  When is this most likely to happen?  Do you ever stall or procrastinate and miss opportunities?  What are you missing out on right now? 

Cheers!
Anthony

The Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired Project Manager

I have been speaking quite a bit lately about the importance of emotional intelligence and risks of making dumb mistakes due to a lack of emotional intelligence.  I call this my Smart People, Dumb Mistakes Tour and it has been underway since last fall.  The idea is that there is a difference between intelligence (or IQ) and emotional intelligence.  Even really smart or successful people are at risk of making a dumb mistake when it comes to emotions (e.g. Eliot Spitzer or Lisa Lowak). 

Project managers especially need great people skills and would do well to avoid those dumb mistakes.  One of the key concepts that I have found to resonate with PMs is the idea that we are operating in stressful environments and at risk of some type of emotional breakdown or loss of control.  Many of us are doing more with less, staying connected and "on" all the time, and feeling overwhelmed in the process.  We are surrounded by people and situations that push our buttons and threaten to push us over the edge.

The best project managers tend to stay positive and unflappable no matter what comes their way.  I am jealous of those men and women.  For my part, I have to continually strive to do better and better in this area.  

One thing that helps me is to recognize that no matter what the stimulus, I still have a choice about my behavior.  I can choose a response that leads toward my goals, or I can react emotionally.  In fact, I devoted my last monthly newsletter to the topic of, Respond Don't React.  Here is a key graphic from that newsletter.  (FYI - You can sign up for my monthly newsletters from my home page). 

The key to being able to choose a response versus just reacting emotionally is our level of emotional resilience.  At a recent speaking event, a participant reminded me of a short and simple acronym for helping us gauge our level of emotional resilience.  It is the acronym HALT. 

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.  Those four serve as a gauge of our level of emotional resilience.  Whenever you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, your resilience is low and you are at risk of having a negative reaction or emotional breakdown.  You are less likely to make good choices about your responses to stimulus.

The key thing that HALT tells me is that I am at risk.  It is a quick test.  And those HALT items are pretty common indicators for most people.  If you wanted to elaborate, you could come up with additional things that might set you up for a breakdown.  This is a list that my audiences have given me:

• Illness and Fatigue
• Criticism
• Lack of Exercise
• Failing to reach my Goals
• Feeling Overwhelmed
• Always on with WIFI and my Blackberry

Here are some work situations that push my button and put me at risk for a breakdown.  See if you can recognize the HALT aspect for each of these situations:

• Working Late - When I am working long hours on a project. I am working late at the office and everyone else has gone home.  I am likely to be feeling lonely and tired,  I might also be hungry, and could easily be resentful and angry about all of it.
• Long Term Conflict - When I work in an environment where people don't like each other and are constantly fighting, it is stressful.  It is easy for me to feel angry and tired.  I am more likely to isolate myself and therefore feel lonely.
• Business Travel -  When I am traveling for work, I frequently find myself at the mercy of the airlines; flights are delayed or cancelled, or I sit on the tarmac before taking off or after landing.  I can be hungry, angry, lonely and tired when that occurs.
• Driving to and from Work - My current commute is 1 hour and 15 minutes.  Enough said!
• Long and Contentious Meetings - I may not be hungry in a long meeting, but when there is a lot of conflict, it is easy for me to feel angry, lonely, and tired.

Once I know what in particular is likely to set me up for a failure, I can be alert and see that as a sign of risk.  I can mitigate the risk, when I recognize it, by taking immediate action to remove myself from the situation.  This might include stepping out of the building for some fresh air or going home for the day.  This could be getting something healthy to eat or going to the gymn. 

I can avoid that risk entirely by taking good care of myself well in advance of being in this condition.  This might include getting more rest, eating better, exercising, or taking time off from work.  I can meditate, pray, spend time on hobbies, or connect with family or friends.  This falls into the category of 'self-care' and it is something that many project managers could improve on.

In an ideal world, I would be kind, graceful, and compassionate with everyone I meet every day.  Until I figure out how to do that, I need to use techniques like HALT or my list of triggers to avoid and recognize when I am at risk.  I can also improve in the area of self-care with the hope that an investment in me will pay off in having more grace and compassion for others.

Thanks,

Anthony

Boost Your People Skills at Starbucks or the Beach

I am excited to announce that through a partnership with Prodevia Learning, my Introduction to Emotional Intelligence Course is now available as a distance learning course.  This 'course in a book' is worth 25 PDUs for those of you who are certified project managers. 

This means that individuals can learn about emotional intelligence and boost their people skills almost anywhere, including Starbucks or the beach.  In fact, here is a list of some of the other places where you will likely see people taking this course to learn about how to use emotional intelligence to be a better project manager:

• At work
• Your local library
• On the back patio 
• Poolside
• At the Chicago Art Institute (admission is free from 5:00 to 8:00 on Thursdays)
• In the bathroom at the airport (I don't recommend this in Minneapolis)
• Or, my personal favorite, Cancun (see photo below)

If you are interested in taking the course, you can get a discount by telling them that you know me.  Actually, you just need to write me and get the code to get the course for $75 off the list price.  Let me know if you are interested.  And follow this link for more information:  Prodevia Learning, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.

Cheers!

Anthony

EQ Lessons from Shigenori to Shakespeare

My friend and fellow EQ enthusiast Shigenori Takekoshi runs a successful Project Management training company in Japan.  He is teaching PMs about how to be more effective and how to leverage emotional intelligence. 

When Shigenori came to visit me last fall, ostensibly to learn about emotional intelligence for PMs from me, he taught me an important lesson about emotional intelligence.  That is the ability to separate an incident, action or circumstance from my feelings about it.  That is, he taught me that something happens, and then immediately after it I have a feeling about that something.  The feeling I have is a result of both the thing that happened as well as my interpretation of the thing that happened.

If we were to map it out, it might look like the diagram below.  Situation, interpretation, then feeling.  First we have the something that happens, the situation, circumstance, or event.  Then we have our thoughts and interpretations of that situation, which will likely be unconscious.  This is the filter through which we see the world.  Finally, we have our feelings that result from the situation and our interpretation.  The feeling may be sad, angry, scared, happy, excited or tender.

This lesson from Shigenori was very helpful to me.  It crystalized the concept in my mind.  I had been very focused up to that point on the feelings but hadn't spent as much time on the interpretation and situation. 

Feelings are still very relevant because they provide the starting point, the awareness or realization.  Every emotion highlights for us that something is going on beneath the surface and in that sense, they provide great information.  Remember that Peter Salovey said that all "emotion is information". 

The point that my friend made was to show that once we begin to separate our feelings, our interpration, and our situation, we empower ourselves to change our emotions.  Perhaps Shigenori learned this from Shakespeare's Hamlet.  Hamlet, obviously well trained in emotional intelligence, said:

"...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- Shakespeare's Hamlet

Consider the following example.  How do you feel when it rains?  Many people feel sad when it rains.  It is usually dark and rain limits our outdoor activities.  Think about how you would feel if you were a farmer with crops that need to be watered.  You might feel happy and excited.  Or if your house was in an area where wildfires were burning out of control, you might be happy to see rain.  So our feelings about the situation are affected by our interpretation and our thoughts.

By changing our interpretation of our situation, we can change our emotions.  If we feel scared or angry about something, we can explore the thoughts and interpretations and change those so that we feel happy and excited.

The challenge is that many of us are not aware of either the emotions or the thoughts and interpretations that led to those emotions.  As a result, we create unnecessary sadness, fear or anger in our lives and in the lives of those around us. 

Here is an example of something that recently happened to me.  I have been working with a training company to produce a distance learning course for emotional intelligence.  I sent the draft of the course to my contact at the company and waited patiently to hear back from him.  After a week went by, I sent a followup note asking him what he thought of the course and I also left a voicemail.  I still heard nothing back.  How do you think I was beginning to feel at that point?  Here is what it might look like if mapped out:

This particular event would fall in the category of cognitive disorder, specifically, filling in the blanks.  Faced with a particular situation (no response from my colleague), I chose to fill in the blanks with a very negative interpretation of the situation.  That led me to feel scared and sad.

Imagine my relief a few days later when I did reach my colleague and he told me that his mother-in-law had passed away and he had been out of town.  He liked my work and was excited to move forward.  I was excited!  Not that I was happy about the loss of life, but I was no longer filling in the blanks with my own interpretation of the situation.

This is just one example of a phenomenom that goes on all the time with all of us.  As I continue to learn about emotions and to get coaching and feedback from others, I see that these thoughts and interpretations of mine are more often my enemy than my friend.  They are robbing me of joy and replacing it with anger, fear, and sadness.  It is as if I have been programmed to be miserable.  Fortunately, I am learning and growing and that empowers to me make the necessary shifts in awareness.

I would love to hear your experience in this area.  Cheers!

Anthony

Are you Afraid of Success?

Which of these two statements best describes you:

1. I seek comfort and security.  I like when things are stable.  I like to take on projects that are similar to other work that I have done.
2. I routinely push myself out of my comfort zone to grow as a professional.  I like to live on the edge and I get excited about big challenges.

Here is the interesting thing: I tell myself that I want the second yet I live my life as if I want the first.  Let me explain.

I tend to get bored with easy projects.  I find it hard to be motivated on projects that don't challenge me and I have to push myself to just do my job as a project manager and to make progress.  I tell myself it is because I like big challenges and I eschew comfort.  This may very well be true.

In fact, I used to tell mentees that if you are comfortable in your job, you have probably stopped growing.  I used to tell them something like this:

When you first start a new job, you learn a lot in the first few weeks and months.  And you are the most scared at that time as well.  Over time, you tend to learn less and less.  So you will need to get used to being scared.  In fact, in order to maximize your growth as a professional, you need to change jobs frequently.  If you are comfortable, you are not growing.  Seek discomfort and fear, not comfort.

That's what I tell people.  It is like what my mentor Rich says, "you need to make friends with fear". 

But when I land a new challenge, I usually forget all that business about seeking discomfort and getting chummy with fear.  I get terrified.  Instead of feeling excited, I start to think about how I am not up to the challenge, how I will likely fail, and how embarrassed I will be when everyone realizes that I am a fraud.  My mind wanders to all the downside risks.  At that very moment when I should feel excited, I am feeling scared because I just don't feel up to the challenge.  My excitement becomes fear.

And there is one other thing, or one other reason for this excitement/fear mix-up.  When I look back to my childhood, there was a pattern to how my Dad treated me when I got excited.  He had a way of bringing me down when I was excited; of taking the wind out of my sails.  I don't know if my excitement scared him or made him jealous but I know that at an early age I learned to hide my excitement from him or he would use it against me.  The thing I was most excited about was the very thing he would take from me or threaten to take from me.  For example, he made me quit the 8th grade track team as a punishment for some offense I don't remember.  The track team was something I was excited about.

Perhaps this is why I now get emotionally confused; I get scared when something excites me.  When I start living big and taking on big challenges, I wind up getting scared.  And not just scared, I get terrified. 

My pattern goes something like this (I know because I just went through this when I took on a new consulting assignment two weeks ago):

Live Big -> Go for it -> Get Opportunity -> Get Excited -> Get Scared -> Get Terrified

So what do I do to overcome this pattern?  The first thing to do is recognize the pattern.  This is the essence of emotional self-awareness.  That goes a long way to changing the behavior.  Once I know that I will get scared when I should be excited, I can anticipate that feeling and choose to make a shift (emotional self-management).  In the moment when I get terrified, I can choose to do it different.  I can see the fear for what it is and then remind myself of all the reasons I should be excited.  I am not surprised and I don't beat myself up for it, I just make the shift and move on. 

I am not suggesting that I am perfect but I have gotten better over the years.  I have empowered myself to behave in a more effective manner.  I still go through the excitement to fear cycle but now I move through it quicker and get back on my feet more rapidly.

So are are you going for it and living big?  Are you getting scared in the process?  What helps you to push through the fear?  I'd like to hear about your experience.

Thanks,

Anthony

Start the Year Off with a BHAG!

Last year I wrote about the hedghog principle and setting big, hairy, audacious goals (BHAGs) to motivate us to take on and accomplish great things.  I have been thinking a lot about goal setting and BHAGs this last year as well as the ways to succeed with them.  Since this is a time of year that many of us set goals, I thought it would be good to share with you some tips for applying BHAGs to our goals and use those BHAGs to motivate us to achieve great things.

I am a big believer in goal setting in general and the use of BHAGs in particular.  I used BHAGs to qualify and run the Boston Marathon, to write my book and get it published, and to pursue becoming a world class professional speaker.

My tips for applying BHAGs to your goals are in the January 2008 edition of the Monthly EQ Newsletter for Project Managers.  Download the PDF file of the Monthly Newsletter Here.  You can also sign up to get your own copy of the EQ Monthly Newsletter on my corporate website.

I would love to hear about your reactions to the tips, the BHAGs you set for yourself, and your success stories throughout this year.

Cheers!

Anthony

Sleep in and Boost Your Emotional Intelligence at the Same Time

I have been speaking about emotional intelligence at various PMI Chapter events around the U.S. and focusing on the importance of avoiding emotional intelligence failures.  My presentation is called Smart People, Dumb Mistakes; Project Managers must be Emotionally Intelligent and it has been very well received.  Project managers are aware of the need for emotional intelligence and are interested in learning more about it.

One of the main points of the presentation is that emotional intelligence includes taking action in advance to avoid losing control of our emotions and doing something dumb.  We talk about emotional resilience and our ability to handle people and events without acting in a negative or undesirable way.

One of the ways we can strengthen our emotional resilience is actually very simple:  we can get a good nights sleep.  In a recent article in LiveScience, Charles Q. Choi talks about recent studies that link sleep deprivation to emotional chaos:

"When we're sleep deprived, it's really as if the brain is reverting to more primitive behavior, regressing in terms of the control humans normally have over their emotions, " researcher Matthew Walker, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, told LiveScience.

Walker and his colleagues had 26 healthy volunteers either get normal sleep or get sleep deprived, making them stay awake for roughly 35 hours. On the following day, the researchers scanned brain activity in volunteers using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they viewed 100 images. These started off as emotionally neutral, such as photos of spoons or baskets, but they became increasingly negative in tone over time—for instance, pictures of attacking sharks or vipers. 

"While we predicted that the emotional centers of the brain would overreact after sleep deprivation, we didn't predict they'd overreact as much as they did," Walker said. "They became more than 60 percent more reactive to negative emotional stimuli. That's a whopping increase—the emotional parts of the brain just seem to run amok."

Studies have shown that while sleep needs differ, the majority of people do not get enough sleep every night, thereby lowering their emotional resilience and overall emotional intelligence.  (For a tip on how much sleep you personally need, pay attention to the amount of sleep you get while on vacation.  More tips and information on sleep deprivation can be found here).

Ironically, one of the reasons many of us do not get enough sleep is because we feel overworked, we are striving to accomplish more, or we are trying to be more effective.   However, by working more and sacrificing sleep, we are actually worker harder and not smarter.  If we were to get the sleep that we need, every night, we might actually find that we have higher emotional resilience, we are more pleasant to be around, and we are more effective in collaborating with others to accomplish our goals.  As project managers, we need others to work with us to be effective and this seems like a step in the right direction.

There is another EQ consideration for those of us who are sleep deprived.  When we don’t get enough sleep, we lower our immunity and are more likely to get sick.  If you already feel like you are overworked and not accomplishing what you want to, getting sick will only put you further behind.

Take Action

I challenge you to take a moment now to evaluate your own sleep habits:

• How many hours of sleep do you give yourself each week? 
• How many hours do you get when you are on vacation?  (Hint:  If you haven't taken a vacation in so long that you don't remember, you probably aren't getting enough!)
• How many hours of sleep do you need to feel your best and be on top of your game?
• What stops you from going to bed earlier every night?  Is it tuning out to TV, working, or Internet surfing?  I'd wager that you stay up and distract yourself or numb out from your feelings rather than doing one thing that can contribute to your emotional well being.

I want to encourage you to try to get eight or nine hours of sleep every night for the rest of this year.  Please let me know if you feel the difference in your mood, your performance, your emotional resilience, and your relationships with others.

Merry Christmas!

Anthony

Twenty Emotional Intelligence Tips from AllPM

This month I was one of the guest contributors over at ALLPM.com where the theme was emotional intelligence for project managers.  I contributed the following list of daily tips for project managers and after looking at them, I realized they are pretty good!  So here are the 20 tips of the day from ALLPM.com, grouped according to the emotional intelligence framework for project managers shown below.  Enjoy!

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Tip of the Day #1 - David Caruso and Peter Salovey said that "emotions are information". Are you able to fully experience your emotions at work and use them as information? Or do you try to "leave emotions at the door" when you arrive at work? Try logging every emotion you feel throughout the day today. Later tonight, spend some time reflecting on those emotions and see if you can understand the information that each emotion provides.

Tip of the Day #5 - Do you recognize when you are experiencing feelings during the day? A simple technique for increasing emotional self-awareness is to track emotions during the day using SASHET, an acronym for Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender. Keep a SASHET tally sheet today and see if there are patterns in the emotions you feel and those you don't feel.

Tip of the Day #6 - Sarcasm is usually an indication that someone is both angry and scared. When you hear sarcasm, you should ask yourself what that person is angry and scared about. This is doubly important if you are the one using sarcasm. I challenge you to make note of the times today that you hear sarcasm being used and looked behind the sarcasm to the emotions of the individual.

Tip of the Day #7 - Most of us cringe when we hear negative feedback or criticism. Feedback is a gift. Even critical feedback usually contains some kernel of truth that helps us grow if we are open to it. When we hear critical feedback, we need to get over our own defensiveness, listen carefully, and ask probing questions that lead us to that kernel of truth. Our greatest growth opportunities will come from those ‘gifts’ from others.

Tip of the Day #10 - Self-confidence is when we are grounded, secure, and self-assured. It’s easy to be rattled or thrown off our game by a recent setback or failure. One technique for overcoming a lack of self-confidence is to reflect on our past successes. Create a timeline on a piece of paper and mark on it the successes, small and large, that you have experienced over your career. By reviewing our past successes, we can put our current setbacks into perspective and see them as temporary.

2. SELF-MANAGMENT

Tip of the Day #3 - There are times when we remain unruffled by others and times when we react strongly. Pay attention to those times when you let other people push your buttons. What are the specific conditions where you are likely to let your guard down? Is it when you are tired, stressed, sick, feeling unappreciated or criticized, or not taking care of yourself? Try to avoid putting yourself in those situations where you aren’t able to choose a graceful response.

Tip of the Day #9 - Many of us work in environments that are stressful. We can remain graceful and unruffled when we learn to reduce our own stress level. I have found that laughing out loud, going for a walk, spending time with people I like, breathing techniques, and prayer or meditation help me to unwind. Select one of these techniques and practice it today, even if you don’t really need it.

Tip of the Day #11 - Perfectionists find that people never quite measure up to their expectations. They can be just as hard on themselves as well. Instead of going for perfection, strive for excellence which can be defined as doing your very best in every situation. Celebrate excellence and don’t get sucked into thinking that everything needs to be perfect.

Tip of the Day #15 - Some of us set ourselves up for stressful situations or negative outcomes by arriving late or unprepared for early morning meetings with team members or other project stakeholders. This can cause us to lose momentum or feel lousy for the rest of the day. Next time you have an important meeting, try getting to bed early, getting up early, and getting in to work before everyone else. Allow yourself some quiet time to review your notes and objectives for the meeting as well as to think about the emotions of each person that will be attending. Your calmness and quiet confidence will show clearly and even be contagious.

3. Social Awareness

Tip of the Day #8 - If you want to boost your standings with your project team, learn to listen with empathy. This includes giving others your full attention when they are speaking and letting them speak instead of interrupting or finishing their sentences. When they have expressed themselves, respond with empathy and emotions (e.g. that sounds tough, you sound sad). Finally, ask them what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you have to solve their problems or tell them what to do.

4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Tip of the Day #2 - Project management is about getting work done through others. Rarely is anything of significance done by one person working alone. It is the relationships we build with our team members and other stakeholders that determine how effective we will be as project managers. Take an honest assessment of the most important stakeholder relationships for your current project. Make it a point today to meet with those individuals with the objective of improving your relationship with them.

Tip of the Day #4 - Mom always said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Unfortunately that approach can lead to a dangerous buildup of hurts over minor and major issues. A better approach is to keep short accounts with people by saying, “I don’t like it when you do/say X”. This frees us up from holding on to resentments and avoids a major explosion down the road.

Tip of the Day #12 - Picnicking is a term for people who eat their lunches alone at their desk, ostensibly because of their workload. This is isolating and keeps us out of relationship. Instead of eating alone, make it a point to go to lunch with a co-worker, team member, or a project stakeholder. The relationship you will build will produce benefits far greater than what you would gain by working through lunch at your desk.

Tip of the Day #13 - While we all strive to do our best to build relationships, we will invariably find that we don’t always get along with others. If you find yourself consistently having relationship problems, look for patterns of those problems. Since we are the common denominator in our relationships, we may be the cause of the pattern of breakdowns. Some of us unknowingly carry emotional baggage with us. By becoming aware of the pattern, we empower ourselves to do something about it.

Tip of the Day #14 - People tend to thrive on positive recognition and acknowledgment and wither on criticism. Since it was always easier for me to point out what was wrong than to recognize what was right, I had to push myself and build routines into my day and week to be more encouraging. One technique I found helpful was to keep a log of when I recognized various team member’s positive contributions. Try keeping a tally sheet of your team and mark down whenever you are able to recognize one of your team members. Strive for at least one positive or encouraging comment per person each day.

Tip of the Day #18 - Relationship-building is a task you will rarely find on a project plan or in a WBS. However, as a project manager, building relationships with project stakeholders is a major success factor. Don’t leave stakeholder relationships to chance; give this activity the same importance as other project management tasks. Add relationship building tasks to your ‘to do’ and ‘action item’ lists, block out time on your calendar for relationships, and track your progress in this important area.

5. TEAM LEADERSHIP

Tip of the Day #16 - The project manager has the opportunity to establish ground rules, values, or expectations for the behavior of the team. If you don’t set those up at the start of the project, you may be surprised to find that people behave badly and team members don’t respect you as the leader. Try working with your team to create a contract for behavior early in the project lifecycle. This will make everyone a part of the process and accountable for enforcing whatever rules are agreed.

Tip of the Day #17 - My mentor Robb used to say that you live or die by your project team. Getting the best resources is critical to your success; this shouldn’t be left up to chance or to the resource managers in your company. You will attract and retain great project resources when you develop your interpersonal skills (like emotional intelligence), lead with integrity, and create a positive project environment.

Tip of the Day #19 - Holding others accountable is a key part of the project manager’s job; if you are not doing it you are not leading. I sometimes find it challenging to hold senior managers, clients, or project sponsors accountable because I fear confrontation with them. It has helped me to pinpoint the source of my fear, challenge whether it is valid or not, and then move forward through the fear. It also helps to have a tool like a Responsibility Matrix to clearly communicate who is accountable for project activities.

Tip of the Day #20 - As the leader of the team, the project manager sets the emotional tone for the group. Do you emote positive feelings and create what Daniel Goleman calls “resonance”? Or do you tend to give off negative vibes and create “dissonance”? Take time today to ask one or two of your current team members if they experience you as positive and encouraging. Listen as quietly as you can, without defending, and try to note at least one or two things you can do differently to boost your resonance level.