EQ4PM

Forrester Research Puts Emotional Intelligence At Top Of List of PM Capabilities

A recent article in CIO magazine emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence to IT project managers.  The article refers to a recent report from Forrester Analyst Mary Gerush titled, "Define, Hire and Develop Your Next Generation Project Managers".  As a result of her research, Analyst Gerush published a list of the top 10 Capabilities of Next Generation Project Managers.   

I am not sure exactly what Ms. Gerush meant by "Next Generation Project Managers" or how helpful I find that distinction.  In my experience, these key capabilties apply to all project managers, current and Next Generation. 

Strikingly, emotional intelligence dominates the list of 10 capabilities needed by these Next Generation Project Managers.  Not only was Emotional Intelligence listed as the #1 capability, the next three were all part of the Framework for Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.  For more background on emotional intelligence for project managers, read these previous posts. 

#1 - Emotional Intelligence: The ability to pick up on events and interactions (both verbal and non-verbal) and to process those inputs in the context of the project plan.  (Note:  These are addressed in the framework in the domains of Self-awareness and Social Awareness.)

#2 - Adaptive Communication: The ability to articulate one's ideas--whether orally or in writing--to a range of individuals, groups and cultures using the most effective communication techniques for each group. (Note:  This is addressed in the framework under the domain of Team Leadership.)

#3 - People Skills: The ability to quickly build and maintain positive relationships with team-members and stakeholders. (Note:  This is addressed in the framework under the domain of Relationship Management.)

#4 - Management Skills: The ability to serve, motivate and focus a team and to foster collaboration among team members.  (Note:  This is addressed in the framework under the domain of Team Leadership.)

If you want to immediately make an impact on your own capabilities in these 4 areas, you can read through the previous posts on this site and boost your understanding of emotional intelligence and how to apply it to project management.

Here are the rest of the 10 capabilities of Next Generation Project Managers as defined in the article at CIO Magazine: 

#5 - Flexibility: The willingness and ability to change one's approach to project management and/or course of action in response to business needs.

#6 - Business Savvy: Knowledge of the organization's business, strategy and industry. Ability to understand a strategy and align tactical work around that strategy.

#7 - Analytical Skills: The ability to think through problems and decisions.

#8 - Customer Focus: The ability to understand the end-user or end customer's needs and the drive to ensure that projects meet those needs.

#9 - Results-Orientation: The ability to get things done efficiently and effectively.

#10 - Character: The project manager should have an appealing personality and a strong moral and ethical character.

You can order a copy of the report from Forrester here:  Define, Hire and Develop Your Next Generation Project Managers.  Just be prepared to shell out $499.  As an alternative, you could buy my book (Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers) at Amazon.com for $13.57 and save yourself $485.  That seems pretty intelligent to me.  But then again, I think I might be a Last Generation Project Manager.

Cheers!

Anthony

A Bad Day at the Lake is Better Than a Good Day at Work

I was out running the other morning about 6:00am and I noticed some guys out fishing in the lagoons near my house.  Out of nowhere, I remembered a beer can huggie that I used to have about 20 years ago.  It said, "A bad day at the lake is better than a good day at work".

Wow, I guess you could say that things have changed for me in the last 20 years.  I used to believe in that approach.  Work was not necessarily fun or rewarding, it was something you did in order to be able to pay for the things that you really enjoyed.  In the early Eighties there was even a popular Loverboy song that captured the thinking, "Everybody is Working for the Weekend".  What a waste of our valuable life energy.

My current philosophy is that work should be fun.  Your work should be something you are passionate about, something that brings you energy and aliveness.  I feel lucky in my role as a recovery project manager because it plays to my strengths and it great fun.  I am working with people I like and respect and the work is challenging yet very rewarding.  I am happy and excited to head into work each day.

If your work isn't fun and energizing, then you probably aren't enjoying it much.  And you probably are transmitting that message indirectly through your emotions and body language as well as directly through your comments.  You are certainly attracting other like-minded individuals and creating an image or brand for yourself which is very negative.

If your best days are somewhere other than work, I strongly recommend that you find new work.  Perhaps you need to be on the lake - as the captain or hired hand on a boat charter.  Perhaps you need to be teaching children or painting pictures or growing organic tomatoes.  Figure out what makes you alive, energized, and hopping out of bed in the morning and go do it with passion.

Cheers,

Anthony

The Sum of All Fears = Stunted Growth

This post is one of the first in a new series that I call "Soft Skills for Hard Time; How to be Your Best When the Economy is a Mess".  My goal is to get you to appreciate that your security comes from you and you can increase your security and value to the marketplace by investing in your soft skills.

One thing that can shut many of us down or prevent us from reaching our goals is fear.  When I talk to people about the goals and aspirations they have for their lives, I often hear rationalization about why they can or cannot do specific things.  I can tell that many times people are just afraid.

 

I watched the first Star Wars movie over the holidays.  You may recall the part when Luke Skywalker found out that his family had been killed.  In the movie, he didn’t let that news shut him down, even though that would have been easy.  It would have been easy for him to think that because his family had been killed, that he was at risk.  Instead of hiding out somewhere in fear, he pushed through his fear and went on to become a star fighter and Jedi Knight.

Looking back on my career, I realize that most of my growth took place when I was afraid.  I can recall going in to work and being afraid of failing.  Or being afraid that I would not know what I was doing or that others would realize that I didn’t know what I was doing.  These were the times when I grew the most in terms of my experience and development.

When I was in high school, my best friend’s name was Wes.  Wes was the class president.  He was funny, popular, and he got along with everyone.  I remember every year that he did something that I thought was crazy – he was a volunteer cheerleader for the (girls) powderpuff football game.  The powderpuff cheerleaders would dress up with wigs and makeup and go through some pretty silly cheers.  I thought it was crazy and a bit dangerous to dress up and make a fool of himself, but Wes seemed to enjoy it.  He used to ask me to join him but I never dared to push through my fear and take the risk.

Fast forward to my first job out of college as a young engineer at IBM in 1985.  I remember that there was another engineer named Jeff that had been hired about a year before me.  He was considered the golden boy and in his first year he had really impressed our management team.  I recall that as  assignments were doled out, he jumped at all the new ones and then he quickly succeeded with them.  In contrast to this, I never volunteered for new assignments.  Like my experience with the cheerleading, I wasn’t anxious to jump in – frankly I was afraid.

My fear cost me.  I was at IBM nearly 10 years.  During that time, my career progressed, but not as fast as I would have liked.  My fear held me back from taking risks and that slowed my progress.  Looking back, the best thing I did at IBM was when I quit in 1993.

Now that I am an independent consultant, I recognize I have no choice but to push through my fear and take risks.  I recently volunteered to take on six client projects that were in trouble.  I didn’t really know the domain, nor did I fully appreciate how badly these projects were failing.  And yes I was afraid.  But I now know that I need to be willing to take on risks if I am going to add value to my clients.  I have also learned that most of the fear I feel is unwarranted.

If you were to be completely honest right now, I believe that many of you could identify at least one goal or aspiration that you are not pursuing because of fear.  I want you to encourage you to make friends with fear; to understand what it is that makes you afraid, and to evaluate the cost of that fear on your life.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is when we choose to act in spite of the fear that we feel.  If you want to grow, you have to push through fear and take some risks.

Action Steps:

1. Look back over the last 5 years of your life and identify when you took a risk.  What was the result?  What did you learn?

2. What is the cost in your life right now of your fear?  What could you achieve by pushing through your fear? 

Cheers!

Anthony

Fear, Procrastination, and Failure

I had a reaction to something I read on Seth Godin’s blog regarding fear.  (BTW, it’s great to see Seth writing anything about emotions!)  In his post set the agenda by showing up first, Seth wrote about the importance of acting early and how our fear can impact that. 

What I keyed in on was the relationship between fear, our behavior when we are scared, and how that can lead to failure.  Fear can keep us from acting early; it can also cause us to procrastinate, wait till the last moment, or not act at all.  Our fear of failing can actually cause us to do just that. 

I saw this quite clearly recently in my own behavior.  I had an important interview to land a long term consulting engagement.  I was excited about the opportunity and frankly, I wanted the position.  But I was scared.  And unfortunately for me, I was not aware enough at the time (i.e. self-aware) to appreciate how afraid I was. 

My fear was not so much about the opportunity as about the interview.  I was so excited about the engagement that I was afraid I would blow it, or that somehow my GREAT DESIRE for this opportunity would be apparent. 

So what did I do?  Well, I let my fear nearly cause the exact thing I was worried about.  I procrastinated, I stalled, and didn’t get ready on time.  I left my house late.  And I arrived 15 minutes late for the interview.  My fear of blowing it caused me to stall and arrive late, which nearly cost me the position. 

The lesson here is that we need to pay attention to our fear and not let it shut us down or sabotage us.  I’m more in touch with my fear than I have been over the course of my life.  But I still recognize that there are situations where I go unconscious and let my fear shut me down. 

What I need is to do a better job of catching myself when I am afraid.  Sometimes simply naming the fear is enough to take the energy out.  It also helps me to determine what my fear is telling me.  In the case of the interview, it was telling me that it was important to me.  Using the fear as information is the essence of emotional self-management.

In this economic climate, we each need to be playing at the top of our game.  We need to see all the opportunities that exist.  We need to recognize when we are afraid and determine what our fear is trying to tell us.  Our fear may be trying to tell us that we are making a mistake or that we don’t have enough information.

The good news is that I am making some progress.  Two weeks ago I recognized that there was another opportunity with this same client to help two other projects that were in trouble.  It was scary to do so; frankly I was much more comfortable staying in my current role of managing one large program.  But I’ve come to appreciate that recovery of failing projects is the area where I do my best work.  And here were two that were in trouble.  So I pushed through my fear and offered to help these projects.  Yes it was scary, but so is unemployment!

I’d love to hear your stories about how fear has impacted you and your decisions.  When is this most likely to happen?  Do you ever stall or procrastinate and miss opportunities?  What are you missing out on right now? 

Cheers!
Anthony

You can do anything you want on your last day at Work – Part 3

I have posted a few times now about Bill Gates and the video he made regarding his upcoming last day at Microsoft.  I complimented Bill on his self-confidence and his willingness to have a laugh at his expense.  I also pointed out that Bill’s willingness to selectively reveal his weaknesses contributes to his effectiveness as a leader.  

The story about Bill got me thinking about a current parallel in my own life.  You see, Friday, May 30 was my last day at work for on a particular consulting engagement. 

It was my last day by my own choice.  I had grown frustrated by my experience with this firm.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to “win” in that environment.  I was feeling like a victim to the wishes of others around my role on the program, the clients request that I cut my outside speaking events, the funding for my role on the program, and even my long commute. 

As it was happening, I saw this as something that others did to me.  I felt victimized.  Bad idea.  As soon as I make this about others, I give away my power.  Being a victim is weak and unappealing.  After all, no one did this to me; I simply made choices and agreed to things that in hindsight I wish I had not.  I was unwilling to go back and negotiate a better deal or make this a win for me.  That was a copout on my part.  A much more effective approach would have been to go for what I wanted.

Go for What I Want

To go for what I want, I need to be clear with others about what I want and need and negotiate the best deal I can.  Instead of agreeing to something that was not a win for me (i.e. win-lose), I should have strove for a win-win agreement.  I should have tried (it’s not always possible) to create the project or engagement I wanted and believed it could be.  Instead, I settled for what the client wanted and needed and ignored my own needs.  I didn’t invest the time and energy needed to go for what I wanted.  I felt like a victim to the client.

Whenever we find ourselves resenting others or making them bad because they are going for what they want, we should look at ourselves.  Chance are, we aren't going for what we want in that situation.  We need to understand why it is that we are not going for what we want.  This may be a lack of understanding of what we want – that is frequently my problem.  It may also be a lack of courage to go for what we want, or belief that we won’t get what we want.

Here is what it would have looked like for me to go for what I wanted. 

1. I would have negotiated to work from home two days a week to reduce the impact of commuting.
2. I would have negotiated to keep my outside speaking engagements and simply worked around them.
3. I would have been more insistent about some of the challenges I saw on the program and proposed changes.

We are at our best when we go for what we want.  When we don't, it reflects on us, not on others.  It's true that you can do anything you want on your last day.  But don't forget that you can and should go for what you want every other day.  It is only by going for what we want that we stand the best chance of getting it.

Think about your own situation for the moment.  Are you going for what you want?  Or are there areas of your life where you are settling, feeling like a victim, and blaming others for the outcomes you are getting?  What would you need to change now, today, to go for what you want?

Anthony

You Can Do Anything You Want On Your Last Day at Work – Part 2

A couple of weeks back, I posted about Bill Gates and the video he made regarding his upcoming last day at Microsoft.  I complimented Bill on his self-confidence and his willingness to have a laugh at his own expense.  I also noted the importance of being able to laugh at ourselves as a sign of strong self-confidence. 

Bill’s video and his willingness to show his flaws demonstrates another key aspect of leadership – selectively revealing weaknesses.  This may seem like a rather minor leadership trait but one that has been shown to be important in leadership studies conducted by Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs. 

You may remember my previous posts (1, 2 and 3) about Dulewicz and Higgs and their work with the Leadership Dimensions Questionnaire.  They have shown that revealing weaknesses is a key aspect of  effective leaders.  It relates directly to the managerial competencies of Engaging Communications and the emotional intelligence competencies of Interpersonal Sensitivity and Self-Awareness.

This finding of Dulewicz and Higgs is based in part on the 2006 book, Why Should Anyone Be Led by You? , by Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones.  In their book, Goffee and Jones talk about the importance for leaders to communicate to their followers some form of personal weakness.  Effective leaders show who they truly are, warts and all.  This serves to make the leader more human and therefore more approachable and likable.  It serves to establish trust and credibility with followers.  The leader seems more authentic than they would if they were not revealing any weaknesses, and that is desired (or perhaps demanded) by followers.

"The desire to be led by a real person demands that we know something of a leader's human foibles and shortcomings." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This runs counter to our natural inclination to build ourselves up and try to look our best.  Goffee and Jones say that those leaders that don’t let themselves show any sign of weakness are either perceived as a phony or as someone that doesn’t take any risks. 

What Bill Gates did in this video, and has done over his tenure as CEO and Chairman of Microsoft, is to show that he is fallible and human.  It’s not that he isn’t brilliant or that he doesn’t take his work seriously.  It is because he is able to show that he isn’t superhuman; he is a human like the rest of us.

Those leaders who are unwilling to reveal a weakness may find that their subordinates make one up for them.  It’s like the celebrities and stars being followed around by the tabloids and papparazi; if they can’t find something to write about, they will fill in the blanks or make something up.  Don’t leave your subordinates in the lurch; give them something.

Part of our communication challenge as project managers and leaders is to let people see the real us at work.  We need to show them that we have weaknesses too.  Here are some examples from various leaders in the public realm:

• As President, Bill Clinton revealed a weakness for junk food and women. He probably should have just stuck with the junk food.
• Ronal Reagan was also a very popular President despite his confessed lack of memory and details and his love of jelly beans.  

A leader that I respect and admire is Bill Hybels, the senior pastor at my church. He has done a great job of sharing flaws that make him human without diminishing his leadership abilities.  Here are some of the weaknesses he has shared:

• He says he is of Dutch origins and therefore very cheap
• He is a complete pushover for his new grandson
• He lacks artistic talent even though he frequently makes flip chart drawings during his talks
• He is not a "hugger"

As Bill has shown, the key is to reveal weaknesses that make you human without taking away from your leadership skills.  It is similar to the challenge you face when you interview for a job and the interviewer asks about your weaknesses.  This is not the time to share that you frequently “borrow” company supplies for personal use, that you sleep late and miss important meetings, or that you have a string of sexual harassment suits pending against you.  This is the time to share some real but not lethal weakness.

Goffee and Jones say to never expose a weakness that would be seen as a fatal flaw.  In other words, it needs to be a real weakness but just the right weakness. 

"Knowing which weakness to reveal, and when, is often a highly honed art closely linked to the ability to sense the requirements of different situations." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This is time to share something that is an understandable weakness and one that is tangential to your work efforts.  As a project manager, you would not want to say that you are disorganized or that you have poor people skills.  If you are in IT, you would not want to share that you are not good with technology. 

Here are some weaknesses that I have heard people share:

• They are uncomfortable speaking in front of large groups (unless you are a speaker or trainer)
• They sometimes get so involved in the details that they lose track of time
• They collect porcelain pigs
• They can not remember people’s names
• That they are scared of heights or hate to fly in airplanes

One more caution about these flaws; the flaw must be real and genuine, otherwise the leader will be perceived as inconsistent or dishonest.  For example, I once saw a senior executive in an organization who broke into tears during an emotional discussion.  His employees viewed his tears as manipulative and didn’t trust him.

My challenge to you is to determine if you are trying to be too perfect.  Are you showing your weaknesses to your followers or trying to be a super-project manager?  Let me know what you think.

If you didn't see Bill's video about his last day, here is the link.

Cheers!

Anthony
 

Boost Your People Skills at Starbucks or the Beach

I am excited to announce that through a partnership with Prodevia Learning, my Introduction to Emotional Intelligence Course is now available as a distance learning course.  This 'course in a book' is worth 25 PDUs for those of you who are certified project managers. 

This means that individuals can learn about emotional intelligence and boost their people skills almost anywhere, including Starbucks or the beach.  In fact, here is a list of some of the other places where you will likely see people taking this course to learn about how to use emotional intelligence to be a better project manager:

• At work
• Your local library
• On the back patio 
• Poolside
• At the Chicago Art Institute (admission is free from 5:00 to 8:00 on Thursdays)
• In the bathroom at the airport (I don't recommend this in Minneapolis)
• Or, my personal favorite, Cancun (see photo below)

If you are interested in taking the course, you can get a discount by telling them that you know me.  Actually, you just need to write me and get the code to get the course for $75 off the list price.  Let me know if you are interested.  And follow this link for more information:  Prodevia Learning, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.

Cheers!

Anthony

EQ Lessons from Shigenori to Shakespeare

My friend and fellow EQ enthusiast Shigenori Takekoshi runs a successful Project Management training company in Japan.  He is teaching PMs about how to be more effective and how to leverage emotional intelligence. 

When Shigenori came to visit me last fall, ostensibly to learn about emotional intelligence for PMs from me, he taught me an important lesson about emotional intelligence.  That is the ability to separate an incident, action or circumstance from my feelings about it.  That is, he taught me that something happens, and then immediately after it I have a feeling about that something.  The feeling I have is a result of both the thing that happened as well as my interpretation of the thing that happened.

If we were to map it out, it might look like the diagram below.  Situation, interpretation, then feeling.  First we have the something that happens, the situation, circumstance, or event.  Then we have our thoughts and interpretations of that situation, which will likely be unconscious.  This is the filter through which we see the world.  Finally, we have our feelings that result from the situation and our interpretation.  The feeling may be sad, angry, scared, happy, excited or tender.

This lesson from Shigenori was very helpful to me.  It crystalized the concept in my mind.  I had been very focused up to that point on the feelings but hadn't spent as much time on the interpretation and situation. 

Feelings are still very relevant because they provide the starting point, the awareness or realization.  Every emotion highlights for us that something is going on beneath the surface and in that sense, they provide great information.  Remember that Peter Salovey said that all "emotion is information". 

The point that my friend made was to show that once we begin to separate our feelings, our interpration, and our situation, we empower ourselves to change our emotions.  Perhaps Shigenori learned this from Shakespeare's Hamlet.  Hamlet, obviously well trained in emotional intelligence, said:

"...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- Shakespeare's Hamlet

Consider the following example.  How do you feel when it rains?  Many people feel sad when it rains.  It is usually dark and rain limits our outdoor activities.  Think about how you would feel if you were a farmer with crops that need to be watered.  You might feel happy and excited.  Or if your house was in an area where wildfires were burning out of control, you might be happy to see rain.  So our feelings about the situation are affected by our interpretation and our thoughts.

By changing our interpretation of our situation, we can change our emotions.  If we feel scared or angry about something, we can explore the thoughts and interpretations and change those so that we feel happy and excited.

The challenge is that many of us are not aware of either the emotions or the thoughts and interpretations that led to those emotions.  As a result, we create unnecessary sadness, fear or anger in our lives and in the lives of those around us. 

Here is an example of something that recently happened to me.  I have been working with a training company to produce a distance learning course for emotional intelligence.  I sent the draft of the course to my contact at the company and waited patiently to hear back from him.  After a week went by, I sent a followup note asking him what he thought of the course and I also left a voicemail.  I still heard nothing back.  How do you think I was beginning to feel at that point?  Here is what it might look like if mapped out:

This particular event would fall in the category of cognitive disorder, specifically, filling in the blanks.  Faced with a particular situation (no response from my colleague), I chose to fill in the blanks with a very negative interpretation of the situation.  That led me to feel scared and sad.

Imagine my relief a few days later when I did reach my colleague and he told me that his mother-in-law had passed away and he had been out of town.  He liked my work and was excited to move forward.  I was excited!  Not that I was happy about the loss of life, but I was no longer filling in the blanks with my own interpretation of the situation.

This is just one example of a phenomenom that goes on all the time with all of us.  As I continue to learn about emotions and to get coaching and feedback from others, I see that these thoughts and interpretations of mine are more often my enemy than my friend.  They are robbing me of joy and replacing it with anger, fear, and sadness.  It is as if I have been programmed to be miserable.  Fortunately, I am learning and growing and that empowers to me make the necessary shifts in awareness.

I would love to hear your experience in this area.  Cheers!

Anthony

I'll Give You Something To Cry About and Other Emotional BS

It's a wonder we are as emotionally healthy as we are when you consider that the primary way that most of us learned about emotions was from our parents.  Some of the things our parents taught us about emotions or modeled for us were just plain wrong and unhealthy.  While I think my own case was perhaps extreme, I have talked to enough people to believe that MOST of our parents unwittingly taught us things that were worthless and in some cases counter to what would be healthy.  Just like the rule about waiting an hour after you eat before swimming, our parents simply taught us what they thought was right.  Or they modeled what they had learned from their parents.

Here is a list of some of the things I heard growing up as well as some things that others have told me they heard. 

Common Parental Messages about Emotions

Sadness

• I'll give you something to cry about
• There is no crying in baseball
• Don't cry, everything is going to be OK
• Big boys don't cry
• Don't be sad, everything is going to be OK
• Stop it you big crybaby

Self-Confidence

• Don't brag
• Don't be too cocky
• Who died and put you in charge?

Fear

• You better be scared!
• I'll give you something to be scared about
• I am going to send you to a juvenile home / call the police
• If you don't do this, I am going to beat you!
• Come on, don't be a scaredy cat.

Happy / Excited

• Why are you all happy?
• Calm down / quiet down / quiet down right now or else
• Take it easy

Anger

• Don't get angry
• Don't let anyone get to you
• Don't let them get your goat

Expressing Emotions

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don't say that or you will upset your father/mother

So learning about emotional intelligence often starts with unlearning what we were taught, and breaking unhealthy bad habits.  It is not easy work.  Sometimes these patterns and reactions are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even recognize them.  In their book Promoting Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler contrast emotional with cognitive learning and the challenges of emotional learning.

"Emotional incompetence often stems from habits learned early in life.  These automatic habits are set in place as a normal part of living, as experience shapes the brain...When habits are strong, the underlying neural connections become the brain's default option- what a person does automatically and spontaneously often with little or no awareness that a menu of possible responses is available."
-Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler 

The only way to break these patterns and improve our emotional intelligence is with the help of someone else; a friend, spouse, classmate or coach.  I learned through a mentor and a group of 10 men and women that I met with every week for four and a half years!  Though I consider my case an extreme one, we all need feedback to see that we are acting in unhealthy ways and support to make the necessary changes.

I'd love to hear what you think.  What did you learn from your parents?  What are you teaching and modelling for your children?

Cheers!

Anthony

Are you Afraid of Success?

Which of these two statements best describes you:

1. I seek comfort and security.  I like when things are stable.  I like to take on projects that are similar to other work that I have done.
2. I routinely push myself out of my comfort zone to grow as a professional.  I like to live on the edge and I get excited about big challenges.

Here is the interesting thing: I tell myself that I want the second yet I live my life as if I want the first.  Let me explain.

I tend to get bored with easy projects.  I find it hard to be motivated on projects that don't challenge me and I have to push myself to just do my job as a project manager and to make progress.  I tell myself it is because I like big challenges and I eschew comfort.  This may very well be true.

In fact, I used to tell mentees that if you are comfortable in your job, you have probably stopped growing.  I used to tell them something like this:

When you first start a new job, you learn a lot in the first few weeks and months.  And you are the most scared at that time as well.  Over time, you tend to learn less and less.  So you will need to get used to being scared.  In fact, in order to maximize your growth as a professional, you need to change jobs frequently.  If you are comfortable, you are not growing.  Seek discomfort and fear, not comfort.

That's what I tell people.  It is like what my mentor Rich says, "you need to make friends with fear". 

But when I land a new challenge, I usually forget all that business about seeking discomfort and getting chummy with fear.  I get terrified.  Instead of feeling excited, I start to think about how I am not up to the challenge, how I will likely fail, and how embarrassed I will be when everyone realizes that I am a fraud.  My mind wanders to all the downside risks.  At that very moment when I should feel excited, I am feeling scared because I just don't feel up to the challenge.  My excitement becomes fear.

And there is one other thing, or one other reason for this excitement/fear mix-up.  When I look back to my childhood, there was a pattern to how my Dad treated me when I got excited.  He had a way of bringing me down when I was excited; of taking the wind out of my sails.  I don't know if my excitement scared him or made him jealous but I know that at an early age I learned to hide my excitement from him or he would use it against me.  The thing I was most excited about was the very thing he would take from me or threaten to take from me.  For example, he made me quit the 8th grade track team as a punishment for some offense I don't remember.  The track team was something I was excited about.

Perhaps this is why I now get emotionally confused; I get scared when something excites me.  When I start living big and taking on big challenges, I wind up getting scared.  And not just scared, I get terrified. 

My pattern goes something like this (I know because I just went through this when I took on a new consulting assignment two weeks ago):

Live Big -> Go for it -> Get Opportunity -> Get Excited -> Get Scared -> Get Terrified

So what do I do to overcome this pattern?  The first thing to do is recognize the pattern.  This is the essence of emotional self-awareness.  That goes a long way to changing the behavior.  Once I know that I will get scared when I should be excited, I can anticipate that feeling and choose to make a shift (emotional self-management).  In the moment when I get terrified, I can choose to do it different.  I can see the fear for what it is and then remind myself of all the reasons I should be excited.  I am not surprised and I don't beat myself up for it, I just make the shift and move on. 

I am not suggesting that I am perfect but I have gotten better over the years.  I have empowered myself to behave in a more effective manner.  I still go through the excitement to fear cycle but now I move through it quicker and get back on my feet more rapidly.

So are are you going for it and living big?  Are you getting scared in the process?  What helps you to push through the fear?  I'd like to hear about your experience.

Thanks,

Anthony