EQ4PM

You can do anything you want on your last day at Work – Part 3

I have posted a few times now about Bill Gates and the video he made regarding his upcoming last day at Microsoft.  I complimented Bill on his self-confidence and his willingness to have a laugh at his expense.  I also pointed out that Bill’s willingness to selectively reveal his weaknesses contributes to his effectiveness as a leader.  

The story about Bill got me thinking about a current parallel in my own life.  You see, Friday, May 30 was my last day at work for on a particular consulting engagement. 

It was my last day by my own choice.  I had grown frustrated by my experience with this firm.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to “win” in that environment.  I was feeling like a victim to the wishes of others around my role on the program, the clients request that I cut my outside speaking events, the funding for my role on the program, and even my long commute. 

As it was happening, I saw this as something that others did to me.  I felt victimized.  Bad idea.  As soon as I make this about others, I give away my power.  Being a victim is weak and unappealing.  After all, no one did this to me; I simply made choices and agreed to things that in hindsight I wish I had not.  I was unwilling to go back and negotiate a better deal or make this a win for me.  That was a copout on my part.  A much more effective approach would have been to go for what I wanted.

Go for What I Want

To go for what I want, I need to be clear with others about what I want and need and negotiate the best deal I can.  Instead of agreeing to something that was not a win for me (i.e. win-lose), I should have strove for a win-win agreement.  I should have tried (it’s not always possible) to create the project or engagement I wanted and believed it could be.  Instead, I settled for what the client wanted and needed and ignored my own needs.  I didn’t invest the time and energy needed to go for what I wanted.  I felt like a victim to the client.

Whenever we find ourselves resenting others or making them bad because they are going for what they want, we should look at ourselves.  Chance are, we aren't going for what we want in that situation.  We need to understand why it is that we are not going for what we want.  This may be a lack of understanding of what we want – that is frequently my problem.  It may also be a lack of courage to go for what we want, or belief that we won’t get what we want.

Here is what it would have looked like for me to go for what I wanted. 

1. I would have negotiated to work from home two days a week to reduce the impact of commuting.
2. I would have negotiated to keep my outside speaking engagements and simply worked around them.
3. I would have been more insistent about some of the challenges I saw on the program and proposed changes.

We are at our best when we go for what we want.  When we don't, it reflects on us, not on others.  It's true that you can do anything you want on your last day.  But don't forget that you can and should go for what you want every other day.  It is only by going for what we want that we stand the best chance of getting it.

Think about your own situation for the moment.  Are you going for what you want?  Or are there areas of your life where you are settling, feeling like a victim, and blaming others for the outcomes you are getting?  What would you need to change now, today, to go for what you want?

Anthony

You Can Do Anything You Want On Your Last Day at Work – Part 2

A couple of weeks back, I posted about Bill Gates and the video he made regarding his upcoming last day at Microsoft.  I complimented Bill on his self-confidence and his willingness to have a laugh at his own expense.  I also noted the importance of being able to laugh at ourselves as a sign of strong self-confidence. 

Bill’s video and his willingness to show his flaws demonstrates another key aspect of leadership – selectively revealing weaknesses.  This may seem like a rather minor leadership trait but one that has been shown to be important in leadership studies conducted by Victor Dulewicz and Malcolm Higgs. 

You may remember my previous posts (1, 2 and 3) about Dulewicz and Higgs and their work with the Leadership Dimensions Questionnaire.  They have shown that revealing weaknesses is a key aspect of  effective leaders.  It relates directly to the managerial competencies of Engaging Communications and the emotional intelligence competencies of Interpersonal Sensitivity and Self-Awareness.

This finding of Dulewicz and Higgs is based in part on the 2006 book, Why Should Anyone Be Led by You? , by Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones.  In their book, Goffee and Jones talk about the importance for leaders to communicate to their followers some form of personal weakness.  Effective leaders show who they truly are, warts and all.  This serves to make the leader more human and therefore more approachable and likable.  It serves to establish trust and credibility with followers.  The leader seems more authentic than they would if they were not revealing any weaknesses, and that is desired (or perhaps demanded) by followers.

"The desire to be led by a real person demands that we know something of a leader's human foibles and shortcomings." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This runs counter to our natural inclination to build ourselves up and try to look our best.  Goffee and Jones say that those leaders that don’t let themselves show any sign of weakness are either perceived as a phony or as someone that doesn’t take any risks. 

What Bill Gates did in this video, and has done over his tenure as CEO and Chairman of Microsoft, is to show that he is fallible and human.  It’s not that he isn’t brilliant or that he doesn’t take his work seriously.  It is because he is able to show that he isn’t superhuman; he is a human like the rest of us.

Those leaders who are unwilling to reveal a weakness may find that their subordinates make one up for them.  It’s like the celebrities and stars being followed around by the tabloids and papparazi; if they can’t find something to write about, they will fill in the blanks or make something up.  Don’t leave your subordinates in the lurch; give them something.

Part of our communication challenge as project managers and leaders is to let people see the real us at work.  We need to show them that we have weaknesses too.  Here are some examples from various leaders in the public realm:

• As President, Bill Clinton revealed a weakness for junk food and women. He probably should have just stuck with the junk food.
• Ronal Reagan was also a very popular President despite his confessed lack of memory and details and his love of jelly beans.  

A leader that I respect and admire is Bill Hybels, the senior pastor at my church. He has done a great job of sharing flaws that make him human without diminishing his leadership abilities.  Here are some of the weaknesses he has shared:

• He says he is of Dutch origins and therefore very cheap
• He is a complete pushover for his new grandson
• He lacks artistic talent even though he frequently makes flip chart drawings during his talks
• He is not a "hugger"

As Bill has shown, the key is to reveal weaknesses that make you human without taking away from your leadership skills.  It is similar to the challenge you face when you interview for a job and the interviewer asks about your weaknesses.  This is not the time to share that you frequently “borrow” company supplies for personal use, that you sleep late and miss important meetings, or that you have a string of sexual harassment suits pending against you.  This is the time to share some real but not lethal weakness.

Goffee and Jones say to never expose a weakness that would be seen as a fatal flaw.  In other words, it needs to be a real weakness but just the right weakness. 

"Knowing which weakness to reveal, and when, is often a highly honed art closely linked to the ability to sense the requirements of different situations." 
- Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones

This is time to share something that is an understandable weakness and one that is tangential to your work efforts.  As a project manager, you would not want to say that you are disorganized or that you have poor people skills.  If you are in IT, you would not want to share that you are not good with technology. 

Here are some weaknesses that I have heard people share:

• They are uncomfortable speaking in front of large groups (unless you are a speaker or trainer)
• They sometimes get so involved in the details that they lose track of time
• They collect porcelain pigs
• They can not remember people’s names
• That they are scared of heights or hate to fly in airplanes

One more caution about these flaws; the flaw must be real and genuine, otherwise the leader will be perceived as inconsistent or dishonest.  For example, I once saw a senior executive in an organization who broke into tears during an emotional discussion.  His employees viewed his tears as manipulative and didn’t trust him.

My challenge to you is to determine if you are trying to be too perfect.  Are you showing your weaknesses to your followers or trying to be a super-project manager?  Let me know what you think.

If you didn't see Bill's video about his last day, here is the link.

Cheers!

Anthony
 

EQ Lessons from Shigenori to Shakespeare

My friend and fellow EQ enthusiast Shigenori Takekoshi runs a successful Project Management training company in Japan.  He is teaching PMs about how to be more effective and how to leverage emotional intelligence. 

When Shigenori came to visit me last fall, ostensibly to learn about emotional intelligence for PMs from me, he taught me an important lesson about emotional intelligence.  That is the ability to separate an incident, action or circumstance from my feelings about it.  That is, he taught me that something happens, and then immediately after it I have a feeling about that something.  The feeling I have is a result of both the thing that happened as well as my interpretation of the thing that happened.

If we were to map it out, it might look like the diagram below.  Situation, interpretation, then feeling.  First we have the something that happens, the situation, circumstance, or event.  Then we have our thoughts and interpretations of that situation, which will likely be unconscious.  This is the filter through which we see the world.  Finally, we have our feelings that result from the situation and our interpretation.  The feeling may be sad, angry, scared, happy, excited or tender.

This lesson from Shigenori was very helpful to me.  It crystalized the concept in my mind.  I had been very focused up to that point on the feelings but hadn't spent as much time on the interpretation and situation. 

Feelings are still very relevant because they provide the starting point, the awareness or realization.  Every emotion highlights for us that something is going on beneath the surface and in that sense, they provide great information.  Remember that Peter Salovey said that all "emotion is information". 

The point that my friend made was to show that once we begin to separate our feelings, our interpration, and our situation, we empower ourselves to change our emotions.  Perhaps Shigenori learned this from Shakespeare's Hamlet.  Hamlet, obviously well trained in emotional intelligence, said:

"...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- Shakespeare's Hamlet

Consider the following example.  How do you feel when it rains?  Many people feel sad when it rains.  It is usually dark and rain limits our outdoor activities.  Think about how you would feel if you were a farmer with crops that need to be watered.  You might feel happy and excited.  Or if your house was in an area where wildfires were burning out of control, you might be happy to see rain.  So our feelings about the situation are affected by our interpretation and our thoughts.

By changing our interpretation of our situation, we can change our emotions.  If we feel scared or angry about something, we can explore the thoughts and interpretations and change those so that we feel happy and excited.

The challenge is that many of us are not aware of either the emotions or the thoughts and interpretations that led to those emotions.  As a result, we create unnecessary sadness, fear or anger in our lives and in the lives of those around us. 

Here is an example of something that recently happened to me.  I have been working with a training company to produce a distance learning course for emotional intelligence.  I sent the draft of the course to my contact at the company and waited patiently to hear back from him.  After a week went by, I sent a followup note asking him what he thought of the course and I also left a voicemail.  I still heard nothing back.  How do you think I was beginning to feel at that point?  Here is what it might look like if mapped out:

This particular event would fall in the category of cognitive disorder, specifically, filling in the blanks.  Faced with a particular situation (no response from my colleague), I chose to fill in the blanks with a very negative interpretation of the situation.  That led me to feel scared and sad.

Imagine my relief a few days later when I did reach my colleague and he told me that his mother-in-law had passed away and he had been out of town.  He liked my work and was excited to move forward.  I was excited!  Not that I was happy about the loss of life, but I was no longer filling in the blanks with my own interpretation of the situation.

This is just one example of a phenomenom that goes on all the time with all of us.  As I continue to learn about emotions and to get coaching and feedback from others, I see that these thoughts and interpretations of mine are more often my enemy than my friend.  They are robbing me of joy and replacing it with anger, fear, and sadness.  It is as if I have been programmed to be miserable.  Fortunately, I am learning and growing and that empowers to me make the necessary shifts in awareness.

I would love to hear your experience in this area.  Cheers!

Anthony

I'll Give You Something To Cry About and Other Emotional BS

It's a wonder we are as emotionally healthy as we are when you consider that the primary way that most of us learned about emotions was from our parents.  Some of the things our parents taught us about emotions or modeled for us were just plain wrong and unhealthy.  While I think my own case was perhaps extreme, I have talked to enough people to believe that MOST of our parents unwittingly taught us things that were worthless and in some cases counter to what would be healthy.  Just like the rule about waiting an hour after you eat before swimming, our parents simply taught us what they thought was right.  Or they modeled what they had learned from their parents.

Here is a list of some of the things I heard growing up as well as some things that others have told me they heard. 

Common Parental Messages about Emotions

Sadness

• I'll give you something to cry about
• There is no crying in baseball
• Don't cry, everything is going to be OK
• Big boys don't cry
• Don't be sad, everything is going to be OK
• Stop it you big crybaby

Self-Confidence

• Don't brag
• Don't be too cocky
• Who died and put you in charge?

Fear

• You better be scared!
• I'll give you something to be scared about
• I am going to send you to a juvenile home / call the police
• If you don't do this, I am going to beat you!
• Come on, don't be a scaredy cat.

Happy / Excited

• Why are you all happy?
• Calm down / quiet down / quiet down right now or else
• Take it easy

Anger

• Don't get angry
• Don't let anyone get to you
• Don't let them get your goat

Expressing Emotions

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don't say that or you will upset your father/mother

So learning about emotional intelligence often starts with unlearning what we were taught, and breaking unhealthy bad habits.  It is not easy work.  Sometimes these patterns and reactions are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even recognize them.  In their book Promoting Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler contrast emotional with cognitive learning and the challenges of emotional learning.

"Emotional incompetence often stems from habits learned early in life.  These automatic habits are set in place as a normal part of living, as experience shapes the brain...When habits are strong, the underlying neural connections become the brain's default option- what a person does automatically and spontaneously often with little or no awareness that a menu of possible responses is available."
-Gary Cherniss and Mitchel Adler 

The only way to break these patterns and improve our emotional intelligence is with the help of someone else; a friend, spouse, classmate or coach.  I learned through a mentor and a group of 10 men and women that I met with every week for four and a half years!  Though I consider my case an extreme one, we all need feedback to see that we are acting in unhealthy ways and support to make the necessary changes.

I'd love to hear what you think.  What did you learn from your parents?  What are you teaching and modelling for your children?

Cheers!

Anthony

Are you Afraid of Success?

Which of these two statements best describes you:

1. I seek comfort and security.  I like when things are stable.  I like to take on projects that are similar to other work that I have done.
2. I routinely push myself out of my comfort zone to grow as a professional.  I like to live on the edge and I get excited about big challenges.

Here is the interesting thing: I tell myself that I want the second yet I live my life as if I want the first.  Let me explain.

I tend to get bored with easy projects.  I find it hard to be motivated on projects that don't challenge me and I have to push myself to just do my job as a project manager and to make progress.  I tell myself it is because I like big challenges and I eschew comfort.  This may very well be true.

In fact, I used to tell mentees that if you are comfortable in your job, you have probably stopped growing.  I used to tell them something like this:

When you first start a new job, you learn a lot in the first few weeks and months.  And you are the most scared at that time as well.  Over time, you tend to learn less and less.  So you will need to get used to being scared.  In fact, in order to maximize your growth as a professional, you need to change jobs frequently.  If you are comfortable, you are not growing.  Seek discomfort and fear, not comfort.

That's what I tell people.  It is like what my mentor Rich says, "you need to make friends with fear". 

But when I land a new challenge, I usually forget all that business about seeking discomfort and getting chummy with fear.  I get terrified.  Instead of feeling excited, I start to think about how I am not up to the challenge, how I will likely fail, and how embarrassed I will be when everyone realizes that I am a fraud.  My mind wanders to all the downside risks.  At that very moment when I should feel excited, I am feeling scared because I just don't feel up to the challenge.  My excitement becomes fear.

And there is one other thing, or one other reason for this excitement/fear mix-up.  When I look back to my childhood, there was a pattern to how my Dad treated me when I got excited.  He had a way of bringing me down when I was excited; of taking the wind out of my sails.  I don't know if my excitement scared him or made him jealous but I know that at an early age I learned to hide my excitement from him or he would use it against me.  The thing I was most excited about was the very thing he would take from me or threaten to take from me.  For example, he made me quit the 8th grade track team as a punishment for some offense I don't remember.  The track team was something I was excited about.

Perhaps this is why I now get emotionally confused; I get scared when something excites me.  When I start living big and taking on big challenges, I wind up getting scared.  And not just scared, I get terrified. 

My pattern goes something like this (I know because I just went through this when I took on a new consulting assignment two weeks ago):

Live Big -> Go for it -> Get Opportunity -> Get Excited -> Get Scared -> Get Terrified

So what do I do to overcome this pattern?  The first thing to do is recognize the pattern.  This is the essence of emotional self-awareness.  That goes a long way to changing the behavior.  Once I know that I will get scared when I should be excited, I can anticipate that feeling and choose to make a shift (emotional self-management).  In the moment when I get terrified, I can choose to do it different.  I can see the fear for what it is and then remind myself of all the reasons I should be excited.  I am not surprised and I don't beat myself up for it, I just make the shift and move on. 

I am not suggesting that I am perfect but I have gotten better over the years.  I have empowered myself to behave in a more effective manner.  I still go through the excitement to fear cycle but now I move through it quicker and get back on my feet more rapidly.

So are are you going for it and living big?  Are you getting scared in the process?  What helps you to push through the fear?  I'd like to hear about your experience.

Thanks,

Anthony

Working with Difficult People #03

How do you deal with people when they are having a meltdown? 

Last week, one of the members of my team named Jimmy lost it.  We were in the implementation phase of a system upgrade and he was working over the weekend.  I was talking to him on the phone and he went off and started screaming.  Jimmy's tirade was not so much directed at me as it was at others.  But it was me he was screaming at in that moment and it didn't feel good.

Angry tirades are one of the worst kinds of emotional breakdowns.  Here are some other emotional breakdowns, sorted by level of toxicity:

1. Blaming and Criticizing
2. Withdrawal and Isolation
3. Door Slamming
4. Holding Grudges and Getting Even
5. Uncontrolled Crying
6. Email Letter Bomb
7. Angry Tirade
8. Hitting

Though I haven't seen it at work, I include hitting in the list because it would be about the worse thing you could do when angry. 

Interestingly enough, besides his angry tirade, Jimmy also did a lot blaming and criticizing.  My judgement was that he was scared; I think he was actually in a job that was over his head.  Fear seems to go hand in hand with blaming and criticizing.  Think about when children are afraid that they will get in trouble.  They often begin blaming everyone else around them instead of taking responsibility.

So what did I do when Jimmy was yelling at me?  Initially, I stayed very calm and simply tried to reason with him.  I was aware of my own emotions and noticed that I started getting angry as well.  I was not so much angry about the yelling as I was about his overall performance.  Jimmy had not completed his tasks from the night before as we had planned and he had delayed other people on the project.  So when he was screaming at me, I found myself wanting to pay him back for not doing what had been agreed. 

At that point in the conversation, I had at least three choices; let him continue to vent until he burned himself out, scream back at him, or leave the conversation.  My normal pattern would have been either continue to listen or to scream back.  On this day, I did the third thing which was to leave the conversation.  I told him I that I would not be yelled at and that I was hanging up.  I put down the phone and then promptly sent him an email saying I would not be yelled at and we could discuss it later when he was calm.  I think my note to him had a sobering effect. 

Getting off the phone felt better to me.  I don't want to take on other people's toxic anger or let it impact me.  What I learned later was that Jimmy had gone off on a number of people  before me.  Not surprisingly, his anger eventually caused him to lose his job at this company.

What I learned from this situation:

1. Emotional self-control is important.  Jimmy was not able to control his anger or other emotions.  He was viewed as explosive and eventually he lost his job.
2. I am OK even if you aren't.  The principal of emotional boundaries says that you are responsible for your emotions and others are responsible for theirs.  I am separate from Jimmy; he cannot make me angry or put me in a bad mood.  I don't need to get upset just because Jimmy is upset.  I can say things like "that sounds tough", or, "you sound angry".   
3. We need to take care of ourselves and not be a dumping ground for others.  If someone is yelling, we can remove ourselves from the conversation.  We sometimes need to take care of ourselves and tell others that the behavior is not acceptable.
4. Be aware of our own emotions.  When we are in a conflictual situation, we need to orient to our own emotions.  In this case, I noticed that because I was mad about Jimmy's late tasks, I was more likely to escalate the situation rather than be objective and calm things down.

I suspect that Jimmy is going to go on to another company and take those same behaviors with him.  Without an intervention of some type, it is unlikely that he will change.  I am OK with that.  I need to focus on myself and the things that I can change.  I cannot change others. 

How do you handle yourself when people yell at you?  I'd like to hear about your experience with these types of situations.

Thanks, Anthony

Sleep in and Boost Your Emotional Intelligence at the Same Time

I have been speaking about emotional intelligence at various PMI Chapter events around the U.S. and focusing on the importance of avoiding emotional intelligence failures.  My presentation is called Smart People, Dumb Mistakes; Project Managers must be Emotionally Intelligent and it has been very well received.  Project managers are aware of the need for emotional intelligence and are interested in learning more about it.

One of the main points of the presentation is that emotional intelligence includes taking action in advance to avoid losing control of our emotions and doing something dumb.  We talk about emotional resilience and our ability to handle people and events without acting in a negative or undesirable way.

One of the ways we can strengthen our emotional resilience is actually very simple:  we can get a good nights sleep.  In a recent article in LiveScience, Charles Q. Choi talks about recent studies that link sleep deprivation to emotional chaos:

"When we're sleep deprived, it's really as if the brain is reverting to more primitive behavior, regressing in terms of the control humans normally have over their emotions, " researcher Matthew Walker, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, told LiveScience.

Walker and his colleagues had 26 healthy volunteers either get normal sleep or get sleep deprived, making them stay awake for roughly 35 hours. On the following day, the researchers scanned brain activity in volunteers using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they viewed 100 images. These started off as emotionally neutral, such as photos of spoons or baskets, but they became increasingly negative in tone over time—for instance, pictures of attacking sharks or vipers. 

"While we predicted that the emotional centers of the brain would overreact after sleep deprivation, we didn't predict they'd overreact as much as they did," Walker said. "They became more than 60 percent more reactive to negative emotional stimuli. That's a whopping increase—the emotional parts of the brain just seem to run amok."

Studies have shown that while sleep needs differ, the majority of people do not get enough sleep every night, thereby lowering their emotional resilience and overall emotional intelligence.  (For a tip on how much sleep you personally need, pay attention to the amount of sleep you get while on vacation.  More tips and information on sleep deprivation can be found here).

Ironically, one of the reasons many of us do not get enough sleep is because we feel overworked, we are striving to accomplish more, or we are trying to be more effective.   However, by working more and sacrificing sleep, we are actually worker harder and not smarter.  If we were to get the sleep that we need, every night, we might actually find that we have higher emotional resilience, we are more pleasant to be around, and we are more effective in collaborating with others to accomplish our goals.  As project managers, we need others to work with us to be effective and this seems like a step in the right direction.

There is another EQ consideration for those of us who are sleep deprived.  When we don’t get enough sleep, we lower our immunity and are more likely to get sick.  If you already feel like you are overworked and not accomplishing what you want to, getting sick will only put you further behind.

Take Action

I challenge you to take a moment now to evaluate your own sleep habits:

• How many hours of sleep do you give yourself each week? 
• How many hours do you get when you are on vacation?  (Hint:  If you haven't taken a vacation in so long that you don't remember, you probably aren't getting enough!)
• How many hours of sleep do you need to feel your best and be on top of your game?
• What stops you from going to bed earlier every night?  Is it tuning out to TV, working, or Internet surfing?  I'd wager that you stay up and distract yourself or numb out from your feelings rather than doing one thing that can contribute to your emotional well being.

I want to encourage you to try to get eight or nine hours of sleep every night for the rest of this year.  Please let me know if you feel the difference in your mood, your performance, your emotional resilience, and your relationships with others.

Merry Christmas!

Anthony

10 Emotional Intelligence Tips to Survive and Thrive This Month

In my December Monthly EQ Newsletter for Project Managers, I identified 10 tips for surviving the month and the holidays.  I've received so much feedback about these tips that I am going to share them with you as well.  If you would like to get the monthly newsletter, please sign up at the Project Advisors Group home page.

December can be a really tough emotional intelligence month.  It may be a happy time but it may also be a sad and lonely time due to some of the unique challenges this month brings:

• Work - There may be major challenges to working during this month including blackout dates, weather and travel problems, and numerous people out of the office for vacations and illnesses.  For those of us trying to accomplish project work, December can be a trying month.
• Holidays - The demands of the holidays include last minute gift buying, home decorating, attending events and parties, and hosting parties all of which can be extremely stressful.
• Family - There's nothing like family to bring out the best and worst in us.  Your relatives know your vulnerabilities and are adept at pushing your buttons.  And blended families have their added stresses during the holidays.

How can we take responsibility for our emotional well being during this challenging time?  I've written these ten tips and immediate action steps to help you take charge of your emotional well-being so that you not only survive but thrive during this month and the holiday season.

Ten Tips for Emotional Responsibility This Month

Tip #1 - Be emotionally aware. 

Strive to be as aware as possible of your feelings.  This may be obvious if we are exploding with anger or jumping with joy.  But we also need to pay attention to a dull ache in our stomach, a looming sense of dread, or a negative cloud around people or events.  Don't ignore or numb out from your feelings.

Do Now:  Take action to protect yourself during this season.  A helpful reminder of common emotional hot buttons is the HALT acronym.  HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  When we are feeling any of those things, we are extremely vulnerable emotionally.  We can easily go off on someone or have an emotional breakdown.  Try to recognize when you are vulnerable and take steps to remedy the situation. 

Tip #2 - Drink with care. 

Alcohol can serve to numb or detach you from your emotions and hence is the reason many people use (and abuse) it.  Detaching from emotions is not a success strategy!  Better to use your awareness of emotions to figure out what they are trying to tell you.  And be especially careful about drinking at the company holiday party!  Don't finish the year on a down note by overindulging with those you work with.

Tip #3 - Plan Ahead.

Make plans to do the things you want to do or get together with people you want.  Don't wait for things to happen to you or react to the invitations of others, make plans to do the things that you find nurturing.

Do Now:  Get out the calendar now and block out the time for the activities and events that you want to do and that you find nourishing.  Be prepared to say no to invitations that don't nourish you; you aren't obligated to attend any events you don't want to attend.

Tip #4 - Work Ahead.

There is often a lot to be done around the holidays.  We have to prepare for parties, buy gifts, run errands, and attend events.  If you tend to procrastinate, choose to do it differently this year.  Get in front of the curve with your gift buying.  Make a list of who you need to buy for and tackle it early on.  Shop online to make it even easier.  A closet full of wrapped and labeled gifts will leave you feeling more peaceful and happy and help you to give to others with a cheerful heart, instead of a resentful one.  It truly is better to give than receive especially when you are out in front of it.

Do Now:  Buy an extra gift or two and keep them aside in case there is someone you forgot.  (I recommend you make it something you will like in case you don't have to give it away!). 

Tip #5 - Prepare Yourself. 

It helps to prepare yourself for the likely emotional moments you may experience during the holidays.  For example, you may already have a pretty good idea if you are likely to bump into your ex-spouse, your lecherous Uncle Jim, or your arch-enemy.  I don't suggest you put on a happy face or a mask when you see them, but prepare yourself mentally so you are not surprised or caught off guard.

Do Now:  If you anticipate conflict with a specific person, role play it ahead of time with your spouse or a friend.  Choose and practice an ideal or graceful response to that person well before you run into them.  By role-playing in advance, you'll increase the likelihood of responding to that person in a way that will make you feel good.

Tip #6 - Be in Community. 

Make it a point to choose to be in community rather than be alone during this month.  Reach out, take a risk and invite others to be with you or invite yourself to join them.  Create the outcomes you want instead of being a victim to circumstances.

Do Now:  Take the time now to create a list of people that you want to connect with over the holidays and make plans or reach out to them now.

Tip #7 - Get Support. 

For some people, the holidays can be a lonely time.  This may be your first Christmas alone due to death, separation, or divorce.  Be prepared for loneliness.  Reach out for SUPPORT as you need it throughout the holidays. 

Do Now:  Make a list of the people you will reach out to for support.  Call now and let them know that you might be calling them over the holidays.

Tip #8 - Nurture Yourself. 

Don't forget to take care of yourself and do the things that help you to stay balanced.  For some, taking care of yourself could be exercising, sleeping in, attending a play or going to the movies.

Do Now:  I encourage you to take some time off work for the holidays.  Though this may be a slow time or a time to get something done at work while others are away, this may not be as nurturing for you as staying home and enjoying time with friends and family.

Tip #9 - Exercise. 

Exercising has benefits on many levels.  The endorphins that come from exercise stay with us throughout the day.  We have more energy and stamina when we exercise.  Exercising will also help you to feel less guilty if you overeat during the holidays.

Do Now:  If you have an exercise routine, stick with it during this busy season.  If you have stopped exercising, re-restart now instead of waiting until for January and an additional five or ten pounds.  If possible, exercise outdoors.  While December can be a cold winter month for many people, exercising outdoors during daylight hours will help you to fight depression.  Even a short walk with a friend will go a long way toward lifting your mood.  Dress for the weather (and in layers) so that you are comfortable as you walk.

Tip #10 - Reflect. 

The end of the year can be a great time to boost your spirits by reflecting on your successes for the year.  Make some notes on those things that you are most proud of.  Don't indulge yourself in thinking about negative things that happened during the year.

Do Now:  Consider sending a handwritten note to those people who contributed to your success.

I encourage you to take action now on as many of these tips as possible to set yourself up for a great month.  By thinking ahead and working ahead, we can make this month the best in the year.  Try it and let me know what you think!

Anthony Mersino

Twenty Emotional Intelligence Tips from AllPM

This month I was one of the guest contributors over at ALLPM.com where the theme was emotional intelligence for project managers.  I contributed the following list of daily tips for project managers and after looking at them, I realized they are pretty good!  So here are the 20 tips of the day from ALLPM.com, grouped according to the emotional intelligence framework for project managers shown below.  Enjoy!

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Tip of the Day #1 - David Caruso and Peter Salovey said that "emotions are information". Are you able to fully experience your emotions at work and use them as information? Or do you try to "leave emotions at the door" when you arrive at work? Try logging every emotion you feel throughout the day today. Later tonight, spend some time reflecting on those emotions and see if you can understand the information that each emotion provides.

Tip of the Day #5 - Do you recognize when you are experiencing feelings during the day? A simple technique for increasing emotional self-awareness is to track emotions during the day using SASHET, an acronym for Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender. Keep a SASHET tally sheet today and see if there are patterns in the emotions you feel and those you don't feel.

Tip of the Day #6 - Sarcasm is usually an indication that someone is both angry and scared. When you hear sarcasm, you should ask yourself what that person is angry and scared about. This is doubly important if you are the one using sarcasm. I challenge you to make note of the times today that you hear sarcasm being used and looked behind the sarcasm to the emotions of the individual.

Tip of the Day #7 - Most of us cringe when we hear negative feedback or criticism. Feedback is a gift. Even critical feedback usually contains some kernel of truth that helps us grow if we are open to it. When we hear critical feedback, we need to get over our own defensiveness, listen carefully, and ask probing questions that lead us to that kernel of truth. Our greatest growth opportunities will come from those ‘gifts’ from others.

Tip of the Day #10 - Self-confidence is when we are grounded, secure, and self-assured. It’s easy to be rattled or thrown off our game by a recent setback or failure. One technique for overcoming a lack of self-confidence is to reflect on our past successes. Create a timeline on a piece of paper and mark on it the successes, small and large, that you have experienced over your career. By reviewing our past successes, we can put our current setbacks into perspective and see them as temporary.

2. SELF-MANAGMENT

Tip of the Day #3 - There are times when we remain unruffled by others and times when we react strongly. Pay attention to those times when you let other people push your buttons. What are the specific conditions where you are likely to let your guard down? Is it when you are tired, stressed, sick, feeling unappreciated or criticized, or not taking care of yourself? Try to avoid putting yourself in those situations where you aren’t able to choose a graceful response.

Tip of the Day #9 - Many of us work in environments that are stressful. We can remain graceful and unruffled when we learn to reduce our own stress level. I have found that laughing out loud, going for a walk, spending time with people I like, breathing techniques, and prayer or meditation help me to unwind. Select one of these techniques and practice it today, even if you don’t really need it.

Tip of the Day #11 - Perfectionists find that people never quite measure up to their expectations. They can be just as hard on themselves as well. Instead of going for perfection, strive for excellence which can be defined as doing your very best in every situation. Celebrate excellence and don’t get sucked into thinking that everything needs to be perfect.

Tip of the Day #15 - Some of us set ourselves up for stressful situations or negative outcomes by arriving late or unprepared for early morning meetings with team members or other project stakeholders. This can cause us to lose momentum or feel lousy for the rest of the day. Next time you have an important meeting, try getting to bed early, getting up early, and getting in to work before everyone else. Allow yourself some quiet time to review your notes and objectives for the meeting as well as to think about the emotions of each person that will be attending. Your calmness and quiet confidence will show clearly and even be contagious.

3. Social Awareness

Tip of the Day #8 - If you want to boost your standings with your project team, learn to listen with empathy. This includes giving others your full attention when they are speaking and letting them speak instead of interrupting or finishing their sentences. When they have expressed themselves, respond with empathy and emotions (e.g. that sounds tough, you sound sad). Finally, ask them what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you have to solve their problems or tell them what to do.

4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Tip of the Day #2 - Project management is about getting work done through others. Rarely is anything of significance done by one person working alone. It is the relationships we build with our team members and other stakeholders that determine how effective we will be as project managers. Take an honest assessment of the most important stakeholder relationships for your current project. Make it a point today to meet with those individuals with the objective of improving your relationship with them.

Tip of the Day #4 - Mom always said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Unfortunately that approach can lead to a dangerous buildup of hurts over minor and major issues. A better approach is to keep short accounts with people by saying, “I don’t like it when you do/say X”. This frees us up from holding on to resentments and avoids a major explosion down the road.

Tip of the Day #12 - Picnicking is a term for people who eat their lunches alone at their desk, ostensibly because of their workload. This is isolating and keeps us out of relationship. Instead of eating alone, make it a point to go to lunch with a co-worker, team member, or a project stakeholder. The relationship you will build will produce benefits far greater than what you would gain by working through lunch at your desk.

Tip of the Day #13 - While we all strive to do our best to build relationships, we will invariably find that we don’t always get along with others. If you find yourself consistently having relationship problems, look for patterns of those problems. Since we are the common denominator in our relationships, we may be the cause of the pattern of breakdowns. Some of us unknowingly carry emotional baggage with us. By becoming aware of the pattern, we empower ourselves to do something about it.

Tip of the Day #14 - People tend to thrive on positive recognition and acknowledgment and wither on criticism. Since it was always easier for me to point out what was wrong than to recognize what was right, I had to push myself and build routines into my day and week to be more encouraging. One technique I found helpful was to keep a log of when I recognized various team member’s positive contributions. Try keeping a tally sheet of your team and mark down whenever you are able to recognize one of your team members. Strive for at least one positive or encouraging comment per person each day.

Tip of the Day #18 - Relationship-building is a task you will rarely find on a project plan or in a WBS. However, as a project manager, building relationships with project stakeholders is a major success factor. Don’t leave stakeholder relationships to chance; give this activity the same importance as other project management tasks. Add relationship building tasks to your ‘to do’ and ‘action item’ lists, block out time on your calendar for relationships, and track your progress in this important area.

5. TEAM LEADERSHIP

Tip of the Day #16 - The project manager has the opportunity to establish ground rules, values, or expectations for the behavior of the team. If you don’t set those up at the start of the project, you may be surprised to find that people behave badly and team members don’t respect you as the leader. Try working with your team to create a contract for behavior early in the project lifecycle. This will make everyone a part of the process and accountable for enforcing whatever rules are agreed.

Tip of the Day #17 - My mentor Robb used to say that you live or die by your project team. Getting the best resources is critical to your success; this shouldn’t be left up to chance or to the resource managers in your company. You will attract and retain great project resources when you develop your interpersonal skills (like emotional intelligence), lead with integrity, and create a positive project environment.

Tip of the Day #19 - Holding others accountable is a key part of the project manager’s job; if you are not doing it you are not leading. I sometimes find it challenging to hold senior managers, clients, or project sponsors accountable because I fear confrontation with them. It has helped me to pinpoint the source of my fear, challenge whether it is valid or not, and then move forward through the fear. It also helps to have a tool like a Responsibility Matrix to clearly communicate who is accountable for project activities.

Tip of the Day #20 - As the leader of the team, the project manager sets the emotional tone for the group. Do you emote positive feelings and create what Daniel Goleman calls “resonance”? Or do you tend to give off negative vibes and create “dissonance”? Take time today to ask one or two of your current team members if they experience you as positive and encouraging. Listen as quietly as you can, without defending, and try to note at least one or two things you can do differently to boost your resonance level.

Take Your Own Emotional Intelligence Assessment

A common question I have been getting at my presentations on emotional intelligence is "how do I assess my own emotional intelligence?"  Are you curious about your own emotional intelligence and how you measure up?  Have you taken an online or paper-based assessment test?

For my emotional intelligence workshops for project managers, I have been using the TalentSmart EIAppraisal instrument because it is fast and easily available on line.  At $35, it is one of the lowest cost and most affordable assessments.  Unfortunately, it doesn't match the curriculum I am teaching for project managers. 

So I decided to create my own.  For anyone who doesn't want to spend $35 for a quick emotional intelligence assessment, I am offering this new EQ assessment tool at a great price.  It is fast, available on line, and very affordable (OK, it's free).  I won't even ask you to register to download it.  I would ask that you provide some feedback, if possible, about whether you found it helpful or not.

The unique thing about this particular instrument is that it is geared to project managers.  In fact, it is the only emotional intelligence assessment tool that is developed specifically for project managers based on the competencies that are critical to project manager's success. 

The assessment is based on the emotional intelligence framework (see right) that I adapted from Daniel Goleman's books (Working with Emotional Intelligence and Primal Leadership) to include in my own book, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.

This is a Beta version so I am expecting it to evolve over the next few months into something much more robust.  Please give the tool a test drive and if you feel so inclined, I would love to get your feedback.    If enough people find it helpful and provide constructive feedback, I will update it and make it available as an online tool that is self scoring with the capabilities to provide you with a comparison of your score to other project managers.  If there is other information you'd like to know, email me or comment here.

You can take the updated version of this assessment by following this link (updated as of 12/27/2007):  Take the NEW AND IMPROVED SURVEY

Cheers!