EQ4PM

What's Up With Your Nick?

I joined a new consulting project last month at a great company.  I am leading a small IT project team implementing a vendor software package.  It is pretty standard stuff and the only thing that makes it challenging is the vendor; they seem destined to irritate and disappoint the customer.

Anyway, I have a member of my team who reminded me of many of the serious IT professionals I have worked with in the past.  She is smart, experienced, technically adept, and hard working.  But she is also abrasive, short, sarcastic, difficult to manage, evasive, and adversarial.

Her behavior generally isn't an issue and I found myself willing to overlook and work-around this individual's idiosyncrasies in order to get the job done.  I tried to be charming, flexible, and even funny and I tried to forget that it sucked to be ignored and avoided, this persons M.O.

I didn't take it personally though.  This person seems to pretty much treat everyone the same.  And they are not alone.  It made me think about all the IT professionals that I've worked with who operated the same way.  It also reminded me of Nick Burns. 

Nick is the Saturday Night Live character from a few years back.  Played flawlessly by Jimmy Fallon, Nick is rude, sarcastic, caustic, and obnoxious.  He is the stereotypical IT consultant. 

We all know at least one Nick Burns.  If you work as an IT project manager, you probably know more than one and chances are that you have one or more on your project team.  On the one hand, it keeps our job exciting.  On the other, sometimes it is just a pain in the butt.

I was thinking a lot about Nick and about the individual on my project team.  If I apply what I know about Social Awareness and Empathy, then I should try to put myself in their shoes.  So I did and this is what I came up with.

"Hi, I am Nick.  I have my MCSE, Oracle, SAP and UNIX certification.  I have been working on computers since I was 11.  I read six different technical magazines each week and I am a moderator for the extreme programming local interest group.  I built my own home computer using a quad-core motherboard and two 4.1 Ghz processors.  Work is a joke.  Most of the people I work with are total morons except for 1 guy in my department.  We laugh at the stupid things those jokers come up with."

My judgment is that most of the Nick's out there are primarily scared and angry.  They are scared that others will think they are losers or not smart which is their deepest darkest secret.  They are also scared that they won't be loved or appreciated.  Their biggest hunger is to matter; to be important.  While they are generally anti-social, they really do not want to be ignored.  That is why they put themselves into positions of helping so that they can prove over and over again that they know what they are doing.  They often create their own problems or crisis so that they can ride in and save the day.

They are angry about not being seen as valuable, that others are promoted above them and are paid more (even when they don't work hard or are total morons), they are victims of the (fill in the blank) vendor/company/business users/project managers/spouse/pointy haired boss.  They are angry about having to constantly stay on top of technology, stay ahead of trends, and make up for the ignorance of everyone around them.

If you have a Nick on your team, I would love to hear your assessment of him/her and what you think are their primary emotions.

Thanks, Anthony

Twenty Emotional Intelligence Tips from AllPM

This month I was one of the guest contributors over at ALLPM.com where the theme was emotional intelligence for project managers.  I contributed the following list of daily tips for project managers and after looking at them, I realized they are pretty good!  So here are the 20 tips of the day from ALLPM.com, grouped according to the emotional intelligence framework for project managers shown below.  Enjoy!

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Tip of the Day #1 - David Caruso and Peter Salovey said that "emotions are information". Are you able to fully experience your emotions at work and use them as information? Or do you try to "leave emotions at the door" when you arrive at work? Try logging every emotion you feel throughout the day today. Later tonight, spend some time reflecting on those emotions and see if you can understand the information that each emotion provides.

Tip of the Day #5 - Do you recognize when you are experiencing feelings during the day? A simple technique for increasing emotional self-awareness is to track emotions during the day using SASHET, an acronym for Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender. Keep a SASHET tally sheet today and see if there are patterns in the emotions you feel and those you don't feel.

Tip of the Day #6 - Sarcasm is usually an indication that someone is both angry and scared. When you hear sarcasm, you should ask yourself what that person is angry and scared about. This is doubly important if you are the one using sarcasm. I challenge you to make note of the times today that you hear sarcasm being used and looked behind the sarcasm to the emotions of the individual.

Tip of the Day #7 - Most of us cringe when we hear negative feedback or criticism. Feedback is a gift. Even critical feedback usually contains some kernel of truth that helps us grow if we are open to it. When we hear critical feedback, we need to get over our own defensiveness, listen carefully, and ask probing questions that lead us to that kernel of truth. Our greatest growth opportunities will come from those ‘gifts’ from others.

Tip of the Day #10 - Self-confidence is when we are grounded, secure, and self-assured. It’s easy to be rattled or thrown off our game by a recent setback or failure. One technique for overcoming a lack of self-confidence is to reflect on our past successes. Create a timeline on a piece of paper and mark on it the successes, small and large, that you have experienced over your career. By reviewing our past successes, we can put our current setbacks into perspective and see them as temporary.

2. SELF-MANAGMENT

Tip of the Day #3 - There are times when we remain unruffled by others and times when we react strongly. Pay attention to those times when you let other people push your buttons. What are the specific conditions where you are likely to let your guard down? Is it when you are tired, stressed, sick, feeling unappreciated or criticized, or not taking care of yourself? Try to avoid putting yourself in those situations where you aren’t able to choose a graceful response.

Tip of the Day #9 - Many of us work in environments that are stressful. We can remain graceful and unruffled when we learn to reduce our own stress level. I have found that laughing out loud, going for a walk, spending time with people I like, breathing techniques, and prayer or meditation help me to unwind. Select one of these techniques and practice it today, even if you don’t really need it.

Tip of the Day #11 - Perfectionists find that people never quite measure up to their expectations. They can be just as hard on themselves as well. Instead of going for perfection, strive for excellence which can be defined as doing your very best in every situation. Celebrate excellence and don’t get sucked into thinking that everything needs to be perfect.

Tip of the Day #15 - Some of us set ourselves up for stressful situations or negative outcomes by arriving late or unprepared for early morning meetings with team members or other project stakeholders. This can cause us to lose momentum or feel lousy for the rest of the day. Next time you have an important meeting, try getting to bed early, getting up early, and getting in to work before everyone else. Allow yourself some quiet time to review your notes and objectives for the meeting as well as to think about the emotions of each person that will be attending. Your calmness and quiet confidence will show clearly and even be contagious.

3. Social Awareness

Tip of the Day #8 - If you want to boost your standings with your project team, learn to listen with empathy. This includes giving others your full attention when they are speaking and letting them speak instead of interrupting or finishing their sentences. When they have expressed themselves, respond with empathy and emotions (e.g. that sounds tough, you sound sad). Finally, ask them what you can do to help. Don’t assume that you have to solve their problems or tell them what to do.

4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Tip of the Day #2 - Project management is about getting work done through others. Rarely is anything of significance done by one person working alone. It is the relationships we build with our team members and other stakeholders that determine how effective we will be as project managers. Take an honest assessment of the most important stakeholder relationships for your current project. Make it a point today to meet with those individuals with the objective of improving your relationship with them.

Tip of the Day #4 - Mom always said “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Unfortunately that approach can lead to a dangerous buildup of hurts over minor and major issues. A better approach is to keep short accounts with people by saying, “I don’t like it when you do/say X”. This frees us up from holding on to resentments and avoids a major explosion down the road.

Tip of the Day #12 - Picnicking is a term for people who eat their lunches alone at their desk, ostensibly because of their workload. This is isolating and keeps us out of relationship. Instead of eating alone, make it a point to go to lunch with a co-worker, team member, or a project stakeholder. The relationship you will build will produce benefits far greater than what you would gain by working through lunch at your desk.

Tip of the Day #13 - While we all strive to do our best to build relationships, we will invariably find that we don’t always get along with others. If you find yourself consistently having relationship problems, look for patterns of those problems. Since we are the common denominator in our relationships, we may be the cause of the pattern of breakdowns. Some of us unknowingly carry emotional baggage with us. By becoming aware of the pattern, we empower ourselves to do something about it.

Tip of the Day #14 - People tend to thrive on positive recognition and acknowledgment and wither on criticism. Since it was always easier for me to point out what was wrong than to recognize what was right, I had to push myself and build routines into my day and week to be more encouraging. One technique I found helpful was to keep a log of when I recognized various team member’s positive contributions. Try keeping a tally sheet of your team and mark down whenever you are able to recognize one of your team members. Strive for at least one positive or encouraging comment per person each day.

Tip of the Day #18 - Relationship-building is a task you will rarely find on a project plan or in a WBS. However, as a project manager, building relationships with project stakeholders is a major success factor. Don’t leave stakeholder relationships to chance; give this activity the same importance as other project management tasks. Add relationship building tasks to your ‘to do’ and ‘action item’ lists, block out time on your calendar for relationships, and track your progress in this important area.

5. TEAM LEADERSHIP

Tip of the Day #16 - The project manager has the opportunity to establish ground rules, values, or expectations for the behavior of the team. If you don’t set those up at the start of the project, you may be surprised to find that people behave badly and team members don’t respect you as the leader. Try working with your team to create a contract for behavior early in the project lifecycle. This will make everyone a part of the process and accountable for enforcing whatever rules are agreed.

Tip of the Day #17 - My mentor Robb used to say that you live or die by your project team. Getting the best resources is critical to your success; this shouldn’t be left up to chance or to the resource managers in your company. You will attract and retain great project resources when you develop your interpersonal skills (like emotional intelligence), lead with integrity, and create a positive project environment.

Tip of the Day #19 - Holding others accountable is a key part of the project manager’s job; if you are not doing it you are not leading. I sometimes find it challenging to hold senior managers, clients, or project sponsors accountable because I fear confrontation with them. It has helped me to pinpoint the source of my fear, challenge whether it is valid or not, and then move forward through the fear. It also helps to have a tool like a Responsibility Matrix to clearly communicate who is accountable for project activities.

Tip of the Day #20 - As the leader of the team, the project manager sets the emotional tone for the group. Do you emote positive feelings and create what Daniel Goleman calls “resonance”? Or do you tend to give off negative vibes and create “dissonance”? Take time today to ask one or two of your current team members if they experience you as positive and encouraging. Listen as quietly as you can, without defending, and try to note at least one or two things you can do differently to boost your resonance level.

Take Your Own Emotional Intelligence Assessment

A common question I have been getting at my presentations on emotional intelligence is "how do I assess my own emotional intelligence?"  Are you curious about your own emotional intelligence and how you measure up?  Have you taken an online or paper-based assessment test?

For my emotional intelligence workshops for project managers, I have been using the TalentSmart EIAppraisal instrument because it is fast and easily available on line.  At $35, it is one of the lowest cost and most affordable assessments.  Unfortunately, it doesn't match the curriculum I am teaching for project managers. 

So I decided to create my own.  For anyone who doesn't want to spend $35 for a quick emotional intelligence assessment, I am offering this new EQ assessment tool at a great price.  It is fast, available on line, and very affordable (OK, it's free).  I won't even ask you to register to download it.  I would ask that you provide some feedback, if possible, about whether you found it helpful or not.

The unique thing about this particular instrument is that it is geared to project managers.  In fact, it is the only emotional intelligence assessment tool that is developed specifically for project managers based on the competencies that are critical to project manager's success. 

The assessment is based on the emotional intelligence framework (see right) that I adapted from Daniel Goleman's books (Working with Emotional Intelligence and Primal Leadership) to include in my own book, Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers.

This is a Beta version so I am expecting it to evolve over the next few months into something much more robust.  Please give the tool a test drive and if you feel so inclined, I would love to get your feedback.    If enough people find it helpful and provide constructive feedback, I will update it and make it available as an online tool that is self scoring with the capabilities to provide you with a comparison of your score to other project managers.  If there is other information you'd like to know, email me or comment here.

You can take the updated version of this assessment by following this link (updated as of 12/27/2007):  Take the NEW AND IMPROVED SURVEY

Cheers!

Working with Difficult People #02

As the second installment of working with difficult people, I'd like to examine some of the profiles of difficult people from Stanley Bing's very entertaining book Crazy Bosses.  True to it's name, the book talks about the various psychopaths who make it into the ranks of management as crazy or difficult bosses.  Bing focuses on 5 categories of lunatic managers:

1. The Bully
2. The Paranoid
3. The Narcissist
4. The Wimp
5. The Disaster Hunter

Let's look at a quick profile of each of these from Bing's books and share some tips for dealing with them.

The Bully

The profile of the bully is someone who is moody and often rageful, inconsistent, manipulative, aggressive, insensitive, and difficult to deal with.  A real life example is Joseph Stalin who thought little of killing millions of his own people to promote his own agenda.

Dealing with Bullies 

Bullies keep their subordinates off balance.  So it is helpful to expect the unexpected when dealing with bullies so that you are not surprised.  I once had a bully program manager who would strive to come in earlier than I did and find out about any problems that occurred overnight so he could berate me for them.  Once I learned to expect his surprise morning attacks he stopped doing them because they were no longer effective in upsetting me.

Keep your distance.  Bullies are the types that hurt the ones they love the most and those closest to them.  So don't get close to them.  Having a bully boss may be a good time to start working from home.  Be careful though because bullies place a premium on loyalty and severely punish anyone they perceive as disloyal.  So try to strike a balance between being loyal without getting too close.  Stay out of the kill zone.

You never know when ou are going to need a friend so maintain good relationships with everyone else.  Try to stay on good working terms with your peers and other managers in the organization. 

That bully program manager I had was brutal.  He thrived on teasing and belittling others.  He loved to go on the attack during meetings and usually singled out those who appeared weak.  I survived by being compliant, by keeping my distance, and by using humor to deflect his attacks.  It wasn’t easy though and his constant barrage of attacks took a toll on me.  I was relieved to finally be able to leave his organization when the chance came. 

The Paranoid

The profile of the paranoid is someone who is afraid, very afraid.  They don't trust others and suspect that everyone has their own personal agenda because the paranoid has an agenda.  They read malice into everything they see and imagine everyone to be focused on bringing them down. They keep track of every real and imagined hurt and are on the lookout for ways to pay back others.  A real life example is President Richard Nixon. 

Dealing with the Paranoid:

Like the Bully, the Paranoid may experience rapid swings of emotions.  Frequently fearful, they can also go on the attack with anger and rage at the slightest bit of perceived disloyalty.  Under no circumstances do you want to confront or attack the paranoid; they'll never forget it and will likely seek revenge long after you have forgotten.  Finally, it is important that you exercise your own emotional self-control and confidence.  Don't get sucked into fights you cannot win. 

One characteristic of the paranoid is that they try to suck the confidence from you. To remain confident, remind yourself of the things you have done well over the years to land in the position you are in. 

The Narcissist

The profile of the narcissist is someone who is obsessed with themself.  They think of their top three priorities as me, myself, and I.  While not as dangerous as the Bully or Paranoid, they can be incapable of thinking outside the box (that is, outside of themselves).  They may think nothing of asking you to do difficult, uncomfortable, or unacceptable things.   

Dealing with the Narcissist

When dealing with the narcissist, forget thinking about anything other than them.  They are the most important star in the universe.  In fact, it has been said that the only difference between a narcissist and God is that God doesn't think he is a narcissist. 

Bing advises readers to keep the narcissist comfortable, suck up as much as you can stomach, make them effective in spite of themselves and let them take all the credit for success.  It also helps to laugh at all their jokes and fawn over everything they do.  Playing hard to get is usually ineffective with a narcissist especially since there are likely plenty of others ready to suck up if you don’t.  There may even be a long line of suckups ready to win over the narcissist.

You can see all of these techniques and other winning strategies for dealing with Narcissists simply by watching the candidates on The Apprentice suck up to Donald Trump.  Or if your stomach can take it, go for the sleaze factor and watch desparate women do anything to win over Brett Michaels or Flavor Flav on their disgusting reality TV shows.  This is one situation where I feel you can learn a lot from TV.

The Wimp

The wimp is scared.  They feel overwhelmed with the demands of their job and their own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.  They try to read the tea leaves to lean in the right direction.  They’ll also jump to take credit for an idea once it looks like a good one, whether or not they originated it, and they distance themselves from the bad ones.  They may be found hiding out in their office where no one will ask them what they are doing.

From an emotional intelligence standpoint, I don’t see any crime in being scared.  Warriors are scared!  We all feel fear; it’s what keeps us from doing things that get us killed.
It isn’t the fear that makes individuals wimps; it is a lack of courage.  The wimp lacks the courage to move through the fear to do the right thing, in spite of the consequences.

As a group, Bing doesn't believe that wimps are very threatening.  I have to disagree though with his characterization of President George H. W. Bush as a wimp; I thought Bush did a great job during the first Iraq war.  Now if he had said President Jimmy Carter, I would have quietly agreed with him even though I like Carter's post-presidency record.

My vote for wimp would be British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain.  Which is actually a pretty wimpy vote considering he's long dead and his living relatives probably don't live anywhere close enough to be a threat to me.

Dealing with wimps is pretty straightforward.  You need to take the heat for any bad decisions or faulty plans.  You also need to show them your loyalty and love.  You won't be alone; others will want to do the same.  You will also need to look out for your career because the wimp certainly won't stick their neck out for you or promote your advancement.  Finally, though the wimp will be loathe to even recognize them let alone execute them, you need to bring forward the plans that are really needed.

I had an opportunity to have a wimp for an executive sponsor once.  Initially I thought it was OK that he never wanted to get involved in the project or meet with me.  Eventually I realized that it was hurting the project so I pushed for the meetings and his needed actions.  I had to continue to push him to take actions and it was a lot of work.  But because he was a wimp, he wouldn’t have done anything without that pushing.

The Disaster Hunter

The final type of crazy boss profiled in Bing's book is the disaster hunter.  The disaster hunter is a major accident waiting to happen.  They seek more of everything and their thirst will drive them toward brilliant failure.  They cannot contain their need for more power, sex, booze, and publicity.  Though they are successful, they thirst for more and are unable to exercise any form of self-control.  Telltale signs of the inevitable destruction are hysteria, depression, screwing up, rehab, sexual acting out, and workaholism. 

As a group, the disaster hunters can be exciting to be around if you can avoid the inevitable blowup that occurs when they flame out.  Don’t be surprised if they ignore your warnings or advice as they pursue destructive paths.

Many US politicians would be considered disaster hunters.  Bill Clinton is a likeable example of a disaster hunter; most of our congressman are less likeable yet equally disastrous (consider Tom Delay, Mark Foley, Ted Kennedy, and Larry Craig).  Bing also suggests GW Bush as an example and I have to agree, based on how Bush has pursued the war in Iraq.

Dealing with the disaster hunter is generally easier since they are often less personally threatening to you than a bully or a narcissist.  The major danger is that the disaster hunter flames out and takes you with them.  Bing advises readers to make plans for an escape route of some sort in the event the disaster hunter flames out.  If possible, maintain some distance between them and their agenda and your own. 

You might also help them to flame out if the opportunity presents itself to accelerate their departure.  Certainly do not provide them any sort of safe harbor or help them when they are on the decline.  Don’t look back.   Whatever happens, you’ll want to be calm in the face of the hysteria of the disaster hunter.

I had a peer manager some years ago that was a disaster hunter.  While not dangerous to me, his behavior certainly caused him problems.  He was on the fast track and though quite affable, he couldn’t contain his thirst for alcohol and women.  At an after work party one evening, he decided to hop on a motorcycle with another woman from work on the back.  He was severely impaired from drinking and he crashed the motorcycle which gave him a concussion and broke his pelvis and the back of his passenger.  That accident set him back but it didn’t stop his drinking.  Several years after that accident, he had a couple of DUIs and lost his license completely.  His career was no longer on the fast track and he quietly faded out.

Have you had a crazy lunatic boss?  I'd love to hear about your experiences, good and bad.

PMI is Waking Up to the Importance of Soft Skills

I spent some time exploring the new Career Framework Initiative from PMI.  The framework is intended to provide project managers, program managers, and portfolio managers with a career path or progression from one job to another.  This is likely most helpful to project managers who are wondering where their careers may go. 

I was interested to see how the PMI framework laid out so I went through the website in detail to learn all that I could.  The simple career path looks like this:

1. Project Manager Level I
2. Project Manager Level II
3. Project Manager Level III
4. Program Manager
5. Portfolio Manager

Here is a summary chart of the entire framework, showing the experience levels, education levels, qualifications and competencies by each rung on the ladder.  Download pmis_pm_career_framework.pdf

I was delighted to see that the framework does include a number of the soft skills competencies that I am focused on.  In the categories of interpersonal and leadership skills, you will find a number that are important soft skills that up to this point have not found a place in the PMBOK® Guide.  Here are some of those competencies that I have addressed in this blog and in my soft skills workshops for project managers.  These first four fell into the category of 'interpersonal' skills:

• Communicates with others
• Establishes and maintains interpersonal relationships
• Possesses good listening skills
• Resolves conflicts and negotiates with others

PMI put the remaining skills into the category of 'leadership' skills:

• Celebrates accomplishments
• Delegates work and empowers stakeholders
• Demonstrates high ethics and values
• Displays model behavior
• Displays social awareness
• Embraces diversity
• Encourages partnering
• Engages others
• Inspires others
• Possesses self-awareness
• Provides creative environment
• Recognizes contributions
• Supports team building

I am pleasantly surprised that PMI even used the emotional intelligence words like social awareness and self-awareness. 

Though not the point of the career framework, it looks through the development of the framework, PMI is starting to appreciate the importance of the soft skills to progression as a PM.  I would like to see these soft skills mapped against the career families (most have not been).

New Technology May Help Prevent Relational Breakdowns

An article on CNET describes technology invented by Nissan to keep drunk drivers from being able to start and drive their cars, thereby keeping them off the road.  It got me thinking...if we can use technology to stop people from doing destructive things with their cars, perhaps we could also use it to help them avoid destructive behaviors in our relationships.

Here are some elements of the safety system developed by Nissan to determine if drivers are too drunk to drive:

• Odor sensors on the seats detect alcohol on the breath
• Sweat detectors on the shifter knob measure perspiration
• Camera that monitors eye alertness

So what are some ways we can use technology to prevent us from causing relationship breakdowns?  I think we have to focus on anger; anger seems to be behind many of the things we do to harm our relationships.  Here are some ways in which we might let our anger go unchecked and harm our relationships:

• Email Letter Bombs
• Angry Tirades
• Crying

Let's look at each of these and see if there is some technology we can use to prevent them from occurring.

Email Letter Bombs - Email letter bombs can be a career and relationship killer.  They happen when we lose control of our anger and attempt to use email to straighten something or someone out. 

I think the technology already exists to prevent us from creating and sending email bombs, flaming emails, or even dumb instant messages.  There are grammar and spelling checkers that can be reconfigured to look for specific words or phrases (e.g. you stupid idiot, I hate you, you're an ignoramus).  You could also have a keystroke monitoring program that would check for those words and phrases and prevent you from typing them or sending them.  You could also develop a macro to run in outlook that would check for inappropriate phrases.

Angry Tirades - Another potential relationship killer would be launching into an angry tirade or going off on somebody.  Again, the technology may already exists to help prevent you from doing this.  It would simply take the reconfiguration of an existing device on the market - the implantable cardioverter defibrillator (ICD). 

The current purpose of an ICD is to jump-start a heart that is stopped or to stabilize a hear that has an irregular heartbeat.  The device uses a high voltage shock to start or stabilize a heartbeat.  However, we could quickly re-purpose one of these devices to measure a fast heartbeat - a sign that we are angry - and then deliver a high voltage shock that drops us to our knees.  That high voltage charge just might be enough to help us get over our anger and help us pause to reflect the ramifications of our situation.

There are some downsides to this approach of course.  The most obvious downside is that a fast heartbeat could result from not just Anger but also Fear and Excitement.  So, a device based on a fast heart rate might not only help us prevent our anger from boiling over, it might also harm us if we go too excited.  So for example if the Cubs won the pennant, we might get a dose of unwanted high voltage. 

Crying - In some relationships, crying is an acceptable emotional response.  However, in most work situations, crying is going to be viewed as a little bit out of place.  Especially if you use it to explain why your project is late (similar to how you might use crying with a police officer to wriggle out of a ticket). 

So what can we do to prevent crying at work?  Well, we can re-purpose the Nissan eye-monitoring camera to scan our eyes.  If excess moisture is detected, those eye-monitoring cameras could immediately trigger a high powered fan.  You could also include some sort of blast furnace to provide sufficient heat to immediately dry any tears.

I encourage you to think about creative ideas for applying technology to help us with our relationships.  Or, we could spend our time and energy focusing on being more aware of our emotional states and then managing our emotions.  Which is what this blog is (normally) all about.

Check Your New Bosses EQ BEFORE You Sign On

I read an interesting post by Guy Kawasaki about using LinkedIn technology and good old fashioned networking to check out the emotional intelligence of a prospective manager.  What a smart idea, I mean, who wants to unknowingly get stuck working for some schmuck or worse, a total psychopath?  It is easy to get nervous during an interview and forget that we need to check out the hiring manager as much as they are checking out us.

The point Guy makes is that you can use a new feature in LinkedIn to track down people that worked at that company at the same time as your prospective boss.  (By the way I tried this and was bummed to find out that you need to be a LinkedIn Business User to take advantage of this feature.  Why promote LinkedIn's premium features?)

Anyway, once you locate people who have worked at the same company as your prospective boss, you contact them and ask about the new boss.  While Guy did not call it an EQ Check, the 10 questions that he suggested you ask (well, actually Bob Sutton of the No Asshole Rule book suggested them) are classic emotional intelligence questions.  In fact, the very first question was on "kiss up and kick down" which is code for "has zero emotional intelligence" and lacks in social awareness and relationship management skills.  "Short fuse" is someone who is lacking in emotional self-control.  I won't repeat all 10 questions here but would suggest you check out Guy's blog for more detail.

Let me toss a few of my own ideas on the pile for consideration.  Here are three additional profiles of individuals you will want to avoid based on low emotional intelligence:

#1 - Micromanagers and Critics
Micromanagers and critics are people who want to control or criticize everything you do.  They often have difficulty with trust, control, and delegation.  They may be perfectionists and find fault with everything you do.  The underlying emotion for micromanagers and critics is fear.

As your boss, a micromanager can be impossible to work with.  They will check in on you too often, dictate how to do things, and always seem to know the one best way to complete a task.  They may be also perfectionists and constantly pick apart your work or ask you to revise it. 

#2 Dishonest Managers
Dishonest managers range from those who occasionally tell little white lies to those who lie compulsively and may even cheat or steal.  This category would also include those who act unethically or ask you to act in unethical ways.  The underlying emotions for dishonesty  could be anger or fear. 

A dishonest boss can misrepresent the truth about you and your efforts.  They may take credit for your work or blame you for their own mistakes.  They may project dishonesty on you and discount or discredit what you say and do.  It is especially dangerous to have a boss who asks you to act in unethical ways. 

#3 Cavemen
I am not talking about the funny cavemen from the Geico commercials here, I am thinking more like Imus.  These cavemen are the relics of the past.  They include bullies, powerfreaks, racists, and sexists.  They tell off-color jokes, use racial epitaths, or single out individuals and pick on them.  They may think they are just having fun with others by teasing when they are simply trying to cloak their aggression in humor.  They are usually men but women may also fall into this category.

As your boss, cavemen may make it a point to show you who is boss or get off on treating you like dirt.  They may try to make themselves feel more powerful by singling out you or one of your peers and trying to humiliate you in front of a group.  Or, they may make unwanted sexual overtures or discriminate against members of the opposite sex.  They may label groups of people and use derogatory language toward people who are different from themselves.

If it is too late for you and you find yourself working for someone with low emotional intelligence, be afraid, be very afraid.  The last thing you'll want to do is try to build a strong relationship with them or worse, try to straighten them out.  If you can, get out to another job at the same company or even to another company.

How NOT to Tell the Truth and Build Your Team

One of the areas where emotional intelligence is helpful is telling the truth.  I know that telling the truth is pretty simple, right?  Well, not necessarily. 

Consider the case of the Florida police chief who was recently fired.  He had grown tired of looking around the members of his force and seeing a bunch of overweight individuals.  So he sent a memo to the force calling them Jelly Bellies and telling why it would be good for them to get in shape.  As a result, the team morale sagged and the police chief was sacked.

Clearly I am an armchair quarterback to this whole episode but it does make the point that telling the truth is rarely simple.  I think the police chief had the right message - it would be healthier and better for the force if the members got in shape and stayed in shape.  He thought he was doing the right thing to help the team.  But the way he delivered his message was not effective in helping him to reach his goal.

In the Emotional Intelligence Framework for Project Managers, I include Truth Telling as one of the competencies of Relationship Management.  I believe that telling the truth, in an appropriate way, is what leads us into deeper relationships with others.  Here are seven technniques we can use as leaders and project managers to tell the truth to others.

#1 Providing your reaction

We all have reactions to things that others do and say.  It is entirely appropriate to provide your reaction, especially if you are asked.  For example, if your boss went overboard with criticism of a team member you could say “my reaction was that you probably didn’t need to be as harsh to get your point across.  I think you were scared and operating out of fear”.

#2 Saying No

Saying no is something that many of us struggle with.  After all, when we are asked to do something, most of us like to say yes.  For some of us, we say yes to show that we are helpful and competent.  For others, we say yes to be liked or to be valued.  As a result, we may say yes or agree to things that we really should say no to.  How many of us have ended up taking home extra work and even disrupting personal plans because we were unwilling to say no?  How many of us, when asked, find it impossible to say no when it is necessary or when it will serve us the most?  Later when we are asked about it, we are likely to say something like, “I couldn’t say no”. 

Our inability to say no was the subject of a recent book by Dr. Susan Newman, The Book of No; 250 Ways to Say It – and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever  .  Dr.  Newman gives us the following reasons for why we say yes when we should say no:

1. Most people have been programmed to think saying No is negative
2. Our inability to think clearly about what is being asked due to fear or guilt

For some of us, saying no is a muscle we simply have not practiced using.  We tend to think yes first without thinking about it then later we regret having responded that way.  We try not to offend or disappoint without realizing that by saying no in the first place, we are less likely to disappoint others. 

When we cannot say no, we set ourselves up in a couple of ways.  First, we cannot honestly say yes to anything.  If we never say no, we always say yes.  Our yes might actually be a “yes for now but I am going turn it into a no later”.  We may say yes but in reality never intend to follow through and deliver whatever it was we agreed to in that moment.  We will somehow sabotage that yes and ultimately make it a no.

The second way we set ourselves up is by feeling like the victim.  We may say yes now only to be able to resent others and make them pay later.  Think about situations where you or someone you know volunteered to do something and then complained and showed resentment afterward.  This may be a recurrent pattern in your life or their life.  Some people volunteer and then find themselves stewing about others who did not volunteer.

As a project manager, saying yes too much can damage our careers.  We cannot always say yes to additional work, change requests, vacation requests, changes in responsibilities, or requests for individuals to be promoted or take on larger roles on the project.  We need to know when to say no.  If we don’t protect ourselves and our team by saying no, we will alienate our team and perhaps even cause them to leave the project.  I am not suggesting that we always say no, rather, we need to be able to say no and to say yes with honesty and integrity.  We need to remember that we have a choice and that we should exercise that choice.  Saying yes when we don’t mean it can be far more damaging than saying no when we need to.

#3 Using “I like / I dislike” Statements

A very helpful technique for relationship-building is to state what we like or dislike.  You might say, “I like when you get your deliverables done on time” as a way to encourage your team members.  A higher risk version is when you say “I didn’t like when you made that disparaging comment about Bob”.  That type of communication is clear and to the point. 

Another example of stating what you like is when you have a group trying to make a decision.  Let’s say a group of 6 are trying to decide where to go for lunch.  If someone suggested that you go to a Chinese restaurant, and you really did not like Chinese food, it would be responsible to say something like “I don’t like Chinese food”.  That is stating what you like or dislike. 

What makes it hard is if we don’t want to appear selfish, we don’t want to offend others, or for any other reason we withhold.  In that case, we don’t say how we feel about the Chinese food and we wind up eating at the Chinese restaurant.  We feel miserable, angry, and resentful of the others in the group.  The reality is that we could have avoided that resentment by speaking up about how we felt. 

#4 Using “I need” and “I want” statements

Closely related to the concept of likes and dislikes is the concept of stating our wants and needs.  When we state in a clear and direct way what we want or need, we greatly increase our chances of getting it.  This simple sounding technique may often prove difficult to do in practice. 

Many of us have developed erroneous beliefs about expressing our wants and needs.  Some common beliefs about wants and needs include:

• we won’t get what we want by asking for it directly
• asking directly for something is vulnerable and puts us at risk
• if someone really cared about us, then they would know what we wanted without us having to tell them

Many of us learned to manipulate instead of asking for things directly.  We might say something manipulative like “I knew you liked Chinese food so that is what I ordered” instead of the more truthful “I wanted Chinese food for lunch so that is what I ordered”.

One of the most powerful phrases I learned to say in the context of a project was “I need you to do a favor for me”.  Early in my career, it would have felt very vulnerable for me to say that.  As I grew as a project manager and learned more about emotional intelligence, I found that asking others directly for what I needed was liberating.  I could be clear and clean in my communications by just stating what it was that I wanted or needed from others. 

#5 Stating your Beliefs or Judgments

A belief or a judgment is something we feel about others based on our own values.  These beliefs or judgments are based on what we think about the feelings or motivations of others.  It is the rough equivalent of saying, “If I were you in this situation, I would be feeling angry”.  It sounds like “my judgment is that you are angry”. 

As an example, consider when you have a team member who habitually arrives late and leaves early.  While they have been productive for you and for the team, lately they seem to have other priorities.  You might say “my judgment is that you aren’t giving the team your best effort”.  That is a clear communication which can start a healthy discussion about expectations.  You might follow it up with “I want you to arrive by 8:00 every day” or some other request which indicates the specific behavior you expect from them.

#6 Getting clear

Getting clear with someone means that you are addressing any anger or conflict in the relationship.  It is the emotional intelligence of cleaning your windshield of bugs and dirt.  Getting clear requires that we voice any issues that we have with another person.  You might say something like “that hurt when you didn’t show up prepared for the staff meeting the other day.  What was going on?”   

It helps when we include our own emotions in the process of getting clear.  We might say something like the following:  “I felt sad and angry when you made that joke at the staff meeting yesterday during my presentation.  I had worked hard on that presentation and I wanted to make the point that everyone could do a better job on quality.  In the future I want you to refrain from making comments that take the team off track.”

The point of getting clear is that it frees us to move on and focus on other things.  Like having a clean windshield, we no longer have issues that bog us down.  We don’t have to carry any of the emotional baggage of issues or conflict; we can voice them and forget them.

I recently worked for a manager who was great about getting clear and then forgetting about it.  In one memorable occasion, he sharply criticized me for an email that I had sent to a wide distribution list.  My email was poorly written and sounded critical of him.  He told me that he didn’t like the email and he wanted me to limit the distribution list on emails that were critical of him.  Later, when I called him to apologize about my email, he was completely over it.  He had made his point and then he moved on and let it go.  He felt “clear” and he let me know that the issue wasn’t going to let it affect our relationship. 

#7 Keep Short Accounts

A closely related concept to getting clear is the idea of keeping short accounts.  To keep short accounts means to not let small issues build up into larger ones.  This is a trap that many of us fall into. 

How do you respond in situations where there are small hurts or issues?  Do you address each one?  We might feel like it is better to simply let them go or ignore them.  We may also feel that we are showing “grace” if we overlook small hurts or issues.  The problem with that approach is that the issues tend to build into larger issues. We need to get clear on those small issues on a regular basis so that we don’t end up with overwhelming resentment or anger.

The benefit of keeping shorting accounts is that we can get a more objective view of what happened.  Often we will find when clearing up small issues on a regular basis, that we didn’t have the complete picture, others were unaware, or that we actually contributed to the problem.  Rarely have I experienced these small hurts as being intentional on the part of the other person.  Sometimes it is possible that we caused it. 

What about being on the receiving end of someone who has not kept short accounts?  Have you ever had a project team member or other stakeholder blow up and tell you about everything you have done wrong in the last year?  Have you been surprised with the level of anger expressed over seemingly small issues or perceived slights?  This is the case of holding in those hurts and resentments. 

Keeping short accounts as a PM means that we don’t let resentments, wounds or anger build over time.  If we have an issue, we address it quickly.  Project managers need to lead in relationships and encourage others to keep short accounts with us.

Try these seven techniques and see if they help you to tell the truth and deepen your relationships.  Let me know if they keep you from getting fired.  If you have other techniques that help you tell the truth, I invite you to share them.

What are Emotions?

For anyone not sure about exactly what are emotions, check out the diagram below.  This diagram is based on the SASHET acronym for the 6 familes of feelings:  Sad, Angry, Scared, Happy, Excited and Tender.  Perhaps this is simplistic, but by using these 6 familes, we can determine what we are feeling at any one particular moment.

Of course there can be variance in the intensity of the feeling.  You can see the range of emotions in the diagram.  It goes from low intensity toward the center to high intensity toward the outside.

Here is a link to the picture you can download yourself.  Make it a screen saver, put it on a t-shirt, or add it as a footer to all your emails. 

Applied EQ #44 - Techniques PM Can Use to Increase Their Social Awareness

We have been discussing the emotional intelligence domain of social awareness, which is about understanding the people we interact with.  Social Awareness for project managers includes Empathy, Seeing Others Clearly, Organizational Awareness and Emotional Boundaries. 

So how do we go about improving our social awareness?  This post is about techniques you can use to understand and improve on your level of social awareness.

1. Practice to Improve your empathetic listening skills.  This is the single most important thing you can do.  Practice listening with empathy, reminding yourself of the following key aspects of empathetic listening:
   
   - Let them speak without helping them
   - Maintain eye contact
   - Give them your full attention
   - Use playback and summarizing
   - Orient to emotions
   - Put yourselves in their shoes
   - Suspending your agenda while listening.

2. Take a Class on Empathetic Listening.  Yes I believe it is that important.  Find a class on empathetic listening techniques and learn all that you can. 

3. Track emotions during team meetings.  Becoming aware of others is a skill we can learn if we practice.  Use an emotional tally sheet like the one that is attached to track what people are feeling during meetings.  Try it and see if you do not become more attuned to the thoughts and emotions of others.  Download emotionally_tally_sheet.doc
   
   Don't worry that you won't be ready to talk when the time comes, social awareness is about being aware of the other and not simply waiting for our own turn to talk.  By the way, this technique is especially helpful during those interminable teleconferences where you cannot see everyone's faces.

4. Identify emotional Red Flags in others - In a previous post we discussed emotional red flags in others including:
   - Inappropriate Humor
   - Use of Sarcasm
   - Passive Aggressive Behavior
   - Hostility
   
   Watch for those behaviors in others.  When you see them happening, look beyond that behavior to understand what is really going on.  Beneath these red flags is most likely a great deal of sadness, fear, or anger.

5. Mirror Emotions - Mirroring is when we mirroring back what you believe others are feeling.  When someone is describing a conflict they are having, you might sense their anger and say something like "that sounds frustrating" or "you sound angry".  This helps to get the emotions out in the open, helps us to understand others, and can even help others understand themselves.

6. Go to School - My mentor often tells me to "go to school" on effective people to learn how they do things effectively.  Are there any potential teachers in your project environment that you could learn empathy and social awareness from?  You can either study them from afar or ask them directly to help you learn or master what it is that they do. 

7. Track your own Emotions - Practice seeing others clearly by tracking your emotions during conversations, listening for emotion words, and watching their faces and body for non-verbal clues to emotions.

8. Keep a journal - One way we can track our emotions is to keep a journal. Journaling as a great way to formalize our learning about ourselves and the individuals in our project environment.  Try to approach it with discipline and write a little bit every day about what you are learning about others.

9. Explore and learn about people – As the PM, we have the opportunity to interact with a number of stakeholders on our projects.  Take the time to really explore each individual.  Find the things that you have in common including where you grew up, went to school, and worked.  What types of job did they have in college (if any)?  What sports teams do they like?  Do they have a family of their own?  What is their ethnic or cultural background?
   
   Learn about and appreciate both the differences and the things you have in common. PMs and leaders are always looking for areas of commonality and using them to connect others.

10. What is the EMO? - It is sometimes helpful to determine the emotional modus operandi (EMO) of those on your team.  Take a good look at each person and see if they fit it one of the emotional profiles we previously discussed: 
    
    Anxious Andy – Andy’s primary emotion is fear and he does everything he can to protect against losing his job.
    
    Sadsack Sally – Sally is usually sad an victim-like; people view her as weak and ineffective.
    
    Happy Harry – Harry is always optimistic and sometimes viewed as disconnected and not down to earth.
    
    Irrational Ira - Ira is unpredictable and so people treat him with kid gloves.
    
    Tight-lipped Tom – Tom is stewing with angry and everyone knows it but him.
    
    Deadpan Dan - Dan doesn’t show any emotions which makes him difficult to read and predict.
    
    All Business Bob – Bob is about productivity and tasks and doesn’t see a need for emotions or idle chit-chat not related to the task at hand.

11. Systematically dissect the organizational culture.  Treat this as a research paper.  Talk to people, document the written rules and what you believe the unwritten rules are.  Determine what behaviors are recognized and rewarded and which are not. 

12. Get some Feedback.  You might try the direct approach and talk to members of your team or key stakeholders to get their input.  Do they see you as empathetic?  Are there things you could do to improve your level of empathy?

13. Assess your project team - Use the assessment template we introduced previously to inventory those in our project environment.  What does that tell us about each person?  Does this help us to see others clearly?

14. PM Mini Self-Assessment on Organizational Awareness - Use the following mini self-assessment to understand your level of organizational awareness.  What steps would you need to take to improve your social awareness?  Enlist the help of a mentor or accountability person.

PM Mini Assessment on Organizational Awareness

Level 1: Understands the formal structure and organization not only of the company, but of the client organization as well and operates accordingly.

Level 2: Understands the informal structure, climate and culture with the company. Knows where and whom to call and go to in order to make things happen or get things done. Knows the broader range of company capabilities that can be made available to a client.

Level 3: Understands the informal structure, climate and culture of the customers and vendor organizations as well as company. Knows who can make what kinds of decisions and the factors that will influence them and puts this knowledge to practical use.

Level 4: Understands the business of a customer more broadly that it is reflected in a given project. Gains credibility with customers for this broader understanding and can spot future opportunities for company.